\^T 



^'iL li' 



K 




//y/.//^//' 



■CCCXXXV 



THE MOTLEY BOOK: 



A SERIES OF 



TALES ANO SKETCHES OF 



AMERICAN LIFE. 



SY THE AUTHOR OF "BEHEMOTH, A LEGEND OF THE MOUND- 
BUILDERS," &C4 



WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY DICK, GIMBER, AND OTHERS. 



J UllYIUUIlj 



THIRD EDITION REVISED* 



NEW-YORlCi 

BENJ. G. TREVETT, 28 ANN STREET; 

BOSTON: 
GEORGE 0. BARTLETT, 133 WASHINGTON-STREET. 



1840. 






Entered, according to act of Congress, in the year 1838, in the Clerk*s Office of the 

District Court of the Southern District of New York. 

By Cornelius Mathews. 



CONTENTS. 



page. 
PREFACE ^----.--- 3 

NOADIAH BOTT ...------ 7 



17 
22 

28 



POTTER S FIELD -------- 

GREASY PETERSON ------- 

THE ADVENTURES OF SOL CLARION - - - - 

THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS GRIM - - - - 49 

THE MELANCHOLY VAGABOND ----- 59 

THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. I. - - (] ^^ 

THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST IN GOTHAM - - - 79 

THE WITCH AND THE DEACON . - - 89 

DINNER TO THE HONOURABLE ABIMELECH PUFFER - 104 

THE druggist's WIFE " - 115 

FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF THE N. A. SOCIETY FOR THE EN- 
COURAGEMENT OF IMPOSTURE 126 

THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. II. - - - - 141 

DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE ---.-- 152 

THE UNBURIED BONES ...----- 168 

PARSON HUCKINS's FIRST APPEARANCE - - - - 174 



PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. 




An author stands in the portal of a Third Edition, like a pros- 
perous host, smiling a welcome to the public. To. have gratified 
the palate of the readers of former impressions gives him confi- 
dence in spreading his table again for another round of customers, 
and warrants him in the presumption of swinging out a new 
preface, like a new sign, to catch the eye and inform those who 
read as they run, that there is entertainment within for man and 
woman. 

To leave metaphor for the plain level of historical narrative, the 
author must express his deep sense of the flattering manner in 
which the Motley Book has been heretofore regarded by the pub- 
lic. The kindness with which his earliest effort is received, seizes 
hold on the heart of the young author, and can never be loosened 
thence or forgotten : it is then that enemies are hardest and friends 
most doubtful, when his hopes are at best questionable, and when 
to question his success or his powers is neither slander nor sacrilege. 
If the little light which he ventures to set up can be blown out, it 
accomplishes a double end ; proving the power of a malicious critic, 
and furnishing a clearer firmament for such false orbs to twinkle 
in as he may be pleased to summon into existence. The present 
author must be considered however as speaking more for the sake 
of others who may be struggling than for himself, for he has the 
great satisfaction of adding that praise has been bestowed by the 
critics of the Motley Book with an open and liberal hand. 

In the present edition, the author has amended the work, he be- 
lieves, by substituting the sketch entitled " Noadiah Bott," in place 



ii. PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. 

of that which formerly opened the volume. Two illusti-ations are 
Hkewise withdrawn, and the two by Gimber inserted. It may 
not be improper to add that the illustrations entitled " The Super- 
anuated Donkey Mail," and " The Secretary reading his Report," 
and which received flattering commendation from the press, were 
designed by William Page, Esq., of the National Academy of 
Pesign, and engraved by Mr. Dick. 

JIew-Yobk, October 1, 1839. 



THE MOTLEY BOOK. 



NOADIAH BOTT; 

OR, 
ADVENTURES WITH A GOVERNOR AND A WIDOW. 

The two most delightful and exciting pursuits an ordinary citizen 
can be engaged in, in time of peace, are certainly office-seeking and 
courting a widow — combining as they do the excitement of bloodshed, 
and the more animating prospect of quiet and unobstructed plunder. 

In the year of our Lord , it fell to the portion of Noadiah Bott 

to embark in this double undertaking, with great advantages of mind 
and person. He was a little corpulent man, slightly asthmatic, and 
generally clad in garments about one size too small for his person, which 
of course gave him very much the appearance of a stuffed penguin 
promenading for exercise after dinner. Noadiah had derived his know- 
ledge and experience from several professions, for he had been in suc- 
cession a hardware- merchant, a market-gardener, and a pawn-broker. 
During his continuance in the first business he had learned a very sin- 
gular fact in natural history, which gave him a strong prejudice against 
the traffic in hand-irons and table-knives — namely : that native rats, 
particularly the species indigenous to New- York, possessed tremendous 
powers of digestion ; for he found they had discovered a passage into 
his money-drawer, and were in the habit of carrying off, and actually 
made way with quarter-dollars, half-dollars, six-pences, and sometimes 
were even so famished as to fasten on husky, dry bank-bills, and coun- 
terfeit coppers and five-cent pieces. At least this was the explanation 
given by an ingenuous clerk, and so he broke up his establishment. 

Reserving a few spades, rakes and coulters from the general sale of 
his goods, he made his next experiment with a small garden in the su- 
burbs, from which he proposed to raise vegetables for the supply of the 
city market. Never was such a season known as the one in which 
Noadiah Bott undertook the management of foiir acres of kitchen escu- 
lents. Tornadoes rushed down from the North and played the devil 



4 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

with his apple and plum-trees ; scorching, dry zephyrs came sighing and 
stealing from the South and wilted his asparagus and cabbage. What 
the tornadoes failed to blow away and the freshets to wash away, was 
nothing but a heap of dry sand which would have been very well in the 
centre of the Arabian Desert, but was rather out of place in a kitchen- 
garden under actual cultivation. Then he had a left-handed mule, that 
kept turning the wrong way in the furrow, and who made himself so 
impracticable and disagreeable that Bott thought he might as well intro- 
duce the hippopotamus as a plough-horse at once, and sow his four acres 
with trade-winds and hurricanes. Beside all this, every thing noxious 
and pestiferous and destructive was put down in tlie almanacs for this 
year. First came an army of locusts, which took quarters on the neigh- 
bouring trees and fences, and after electrifying Bott for two nights and 
a day with their pleasant martial music, made an onset, and left his 
garden so stript of leaf, twig and every green thing, that it looked like 
a ship with its sails tattered into ribbons by a stiff nor'wester. Directly 
upon the track of this greedy swarm came a mad dog, that one half the 
population of the city thought proper, for the sake of their own exercise 
and the conservation of the public health, to hunt with great racket and 
outcry through Bott's garden into a neighbouring pond, where the poor 
animal ended his troubles by committing suicide. Then there were 
ground moles, and midnight thieves, and the green-worm, and — the 
Lord knows what else. Poor Bott was almost distracted, and resolved 
to quit market gardening, for life, and return to town with what small 
capital remained, and invest it in ^ dead stock,' for as to vegetables, he 
said "he had no faith in 'em, either as medicine or a means of living." 
Abandoning his lease and making up a wagon-load with old plough- 
shares, harness, hoes, rakes and a second-hand bureau, he started for 
town, and with this miscellaneous stock of trumpery opened a pawn- 
broker's shop. He was now entirely out of his element, for he had been 
in the habit of carrying about under his jacket a little piece of curious 
mechanism which was infinitely more in his way in his present line of 
business than an idle partner, a bad season, or a dishonest clerk. What 
could poor Bott do? Dilapidated old men, who had been in the Revo- 
lutionary war, would come to his shop to pledge the very musket that had 
figured at Yorktown, and the very sword that had cut off the head of a 
Hessian at Trenton, and how could he refuse to add this to his collec- 
tion of venerable relics and just loan a few shillings to the poor old vet- 
eran ! And then the widow of a sailor that was with Decatur off Al- 
giers, hadn't seen a loaf of bread for the past fortnight, and all she asked 
was to be saved from starving by a small advance on a model man-of- 



NOADIAH BOTT. 6 

War that her dear Jack had built when he was at home the last, last 
lime. Every cloak that was left in pledge with him — every rusty 
beaver ; every baby's cap, and every pair of plated candlesticks, had 
some little pathetic history connected with it that would have gone to 
the heart of a stone. So that, after being in business about nine 
months, Mr. Noadiah Bott had as pretty a collection of good-for-no- 
thing rubbish as an auctioneer could wish to stand over in the dog- 
days. In fact his shop was a perfect limbo, haunted by the ghosts of 
cracked fiddles, feeble flutes, disbanded earthen jars, and wine bottles 
with holes in their bottoms. With a few old wine flasks, a curious 
lizard in a vial, and two or three stout benches, and a train of out-of- 
the-way utensils clattering at his heels, Noadiah, like a conqueror 
from a ravaged territory, marched out of the sterile region of pawn- 
broking into a more promising field of labor. 

He was, therefore, at present, the proprietor of a political tavern, 
consisting of a bar and fixtures down stairs, and a room, twenty-five 
by twelve and a half, in a second story, where meetings were held 
for the purpose of settling the politics of the ward. It was the busi- 
ness of Bott to light up this apartment once or twice a week ; to ar- 
range the platform for a speaker ; and on extraordinary occasions to 
embellish it with a wooden eagle perched on a staflf or a banner 
stretched over an entire side of the room. Sometimes, in the absence 
of the regular speaker, Bott had been known to mount the platform 
himself and pufl'away at a speech of considerable length and power. 
Besides these regular duties, he was expected to get an audience to- 
gether, and if it fell short, to treat loafers enough till the room was 
tolerably crowded ; to get up all extraordinary rounds of applause, 
and, finally, to preside over the crackers and beer which are frequently 
furnished to the democracy at the close of an exciting and thirsty de- 
bate. It was a very entertaining spectacle to see Bott on a night of 
meeting, bustling up and down stairs, now at the bar and now at the 
ear of some leading politician, commenting on the news from Ohio or 
North Carolina, or discussing the eff'ects of the new law regulating 
the size of pint-pots on the habits of sailors, or some other abstruse 
and recondite topic. When the business of the meeting had com- 
menced, you might see him every now and then rushing up from the 
bar-room and thrusting his corpulent little body in at the mouth of the 
door with considerable effort and puissance, as if to ascertain whether 
the audience was well packed or not. 

Bott had kept these quarters for several years. In that time he 
had grown stout and rubicund and had formed a large circle of polit- 
ical acquaintance. By dint of listening at the key-holes when com- 
2 



6 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

mittees and juntos were in session at his house, and by looking grave 
■whenever trifles were discussed, he at length attained such importance 
in the political world as to venture to invite the Honorable the Corpo- 
ration of the city to visit, in a body, a remarkable tortoise that had 
been discovered in his yard, where it had lived twenty-three weeks 
under a stone without a particle of food. They accordingly came, 
headed by his Honor the Mayor, and when there, Bott gravely 
asserted before the assembled magistracy of the city, that this ident- 
ical tortoise had been recently heard, at midnight, when not a soul 
nor a sound was stirring in the neighborhood, to cry " Bah ! " very 
distinctly, which (Bott whispered to an Alderman^ a particular friend 
of his) certainly portended the disolution of the Union and the rise of 
bread-stuffs ! 

Strengthened by the popularity he deservedly acquired by this bold 
and sagacious movement, Bott determined to apply to the Governor 
for a small office. It was some time before he could fix upon one 
which was suited in all respects to his habits. He had a list of all 
the offices in the State, from Governor itself down to licensed master- 
sweep, with the salaries or perquisites annexed ; and at length he 
concluded to take the humble station of inspector of staves — twelve 
hundred a year. He was getting too corpulent and this out-dooT 
business would bring him down. Besides, the sea-air would be good 
for his health, for he thought, and so he intended to represent to his 
Excellency, that drinking so much beer nightly for the good of the 
party, had somewhat impaired his constitution. Inspector of staves — 
that was the office ; and he must bustle about, bustle about — and move 
the very foundations of the island but he would have it. 

About this time it was that Bott cast an eye of affection upon a 
black-eyed little widow, whom he discovered one day by chance, 
sitting in an upper window over a coffin-ware house into which he 
had made his way to engage a coffin for one of his customers that 
had fallen down that morning in his bar-room with his glass in his 
hand. What was very singular about this case of sudden death was, 
that the man had infused a third more water in his brandy than he 
was in the habit of using ; so that it was a capital question for dis- 
cussion, whether he had died of cold water or alcohol. After chaf- 
fering a while for the cheapest coffin in the shop, (for Bott buried his 
own customers, and liked to underbid himself,) Noadiah set about 
sounding the proprietor as to the black-eyed lady up stairs. He began 
by expressing a profound anxiety as to the health of the coffin-ma- 
ker's family, and a deep conviction of the manifold beaefits of living 
over the store. 



NOADIAH BOTT. 7 

** His own people," the coffin-maker however informed him, " lived 
in a different part of the city. His wife was a woman of weak nerves 
and could'nt bear the sight of a coffin, they reminded her so much of 
her little Bartemus, that was dead and gone." 

" I havn't the pleasure, then," continued Bott, " of knowing the 
lady with black eyes, that lives above you. I wonder who she is ?" 

" Not know her I " exclaimed the coffin-maker, " not know the 
widow Bobbin — the gayest widow in this city ! Why, Mr. Bott, if I 
wasn't a married man, with two small children, Pd soon know who's 
who and what's what. I'm often surprised at myself that she hasn't 
driven me from this melancholy business of coffin-making into ladies* 
hair-dressing or French shoe-making, or some such light and cheer- 
ful occupation." 

This was enough for Bott. She was unmarried, and just such a 
gay, joyous soul as he needed to keep his spirits up in these gloomy 
times. He accordingly went home, buried the poor customer, and 
made up his mind to marry the widow and obtain the office of in- 
spector of staves forthwith. 

Bott, without difficulty, obtained an introduction, thiough his friend 
the coffin-maker, to Mrs. Bobbin, the gay wido\y. He found her to be 
a sly creature, as full of fun as a snuff-box, and in fact, a woman ex- 
actly after his own heart. It is true, she had one child — a loy about 
thirteen. This was a slight objection, but the widow prevailed upon 
Bott to remove it by taking the boy under his own charge, and sup- 
plying him with food, lodging and clothes, with a few quarters' school- 
ing ; for the boy, as the widow cunningly insinuated, had a good deal 
of his mother in him, and it would be a pity to allow so much natural 
smartness to run to waste. Things advanced so swimmingly, and Bott 
managed with so much skill, that before a month was over, he had 
not only pledged himself to provide for the widow's son, (whom he 
had by this time discovered enjoyed a tremendous appetite, wore his 
pantaloons at the rate of about a pair in a fortnight, and was a little 
fond of tippling,) but had also engaged the pleasure of the widow's 
company to the Cartmen's Fancy Ball, to be given in a short time. 
To make the matter still more pleasing, Bott had the satisfaction of 
meeting at the house of the widov/, an agreeable gentleman, whom 
he was delighted to be introduced to by Mrs. Bobbin as " her 
uncle Jonas, from Androscoggin." He seemed to have the same 
pleasant turn as the widow herself, and was constantly employed^ 
when Bott was present, in saying or doing some amusing thing or 
other. How could Noadiah be otherwise than happy while the cur- 
rent ran so sparkling and clear ? 



8 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

In the mean time, he devoted himself assiduously to his application 
for the inspection of staves. He had a petition drawn up, setting 
forth his claims and services ; his three years' untiring opposition to 
the other party ; his ardent devotion to his duties as retailer of spirits 
to his political friends ; his zeal in gathering audiences and preparing 
inflammatory hand-bills, and his declining health, occasioned by these 
extraordinary labors. With this petition in his hand, he scoured the 
city ; and presenting it firmly, he brought every man to a stand as sum- 
marily as if it had been a pocket-pistol instead of a petition. His en- 
thusiasm was considerably quickened when he learned that a com- 
petitor was out before him, and had a start of twenty-seven names. 

Besides signatures to his petition, Bott rushed hither and thither, 
obtaining letters recommendatory from every person of note or 
standing who had the slightest claim of acquaintance with his Excel- 
lency, the Governor of the State. Among others, he procured an 
invaluable and pressing epistle of recammendation from a gentleman 
who had enjoyed the extreme felicity of beholding the skirts of his 
Excellency's coat, as he passed through Onondaga County during a 
violent storm. 

The day had at length arrived, the evening of which was to be sig- 
nalized by the celebration of the Cartmen's Fancy Ball ; and Bott was 
hurrying through his political toils, in order to be in good time to wait 
on the widow. With this view he was making rapid progress past a 
certain market on the East River side, when his eye caught a crowd. 
Now a crowd was a perfect harvest to Bott, and he had scarcely ever 
plunged into one without bringing out one or two first rate names to 
his paper. The widow would be impatient, he feared ; and though 
the temptation was great, he determined to hurry by, when he beheld 
a distinguished functionary, whose name would be an all-important 
acquisition. He accordingly resolved to run the risk, and make up 
lost time by additional speed in his after movements. 

"Your signature, if you please," cried Bott, pushing boldly through 
the crowd toward the Coroner, (for it was that ofiicer, preparing to 
hold an inquest,) whose ruddy countenance was a conspicuous bea- 
con for the office-seeker. As Noadiah rushed forward, the crowd, 
supposing him to be some near relative of the deceased come to take 
possession of his chattels and movable funds, parted ; and just as he 
had succceeded in breaking the inner circle, the Coroner stepped 
aside, and Mr. Noadiah Bott found himself presenting his petition to 
an upright corpse with a most doleful countenance, and a faded blue 
handkerchief about its neck. 

" Get his name, by all means, Bott," said the Coroner, whose office 



noadia'h bott. 9 

after he had held it three months, had somehow or other m.ade him 
remarkably facetious. " To him, Bott, to him ; he can say a good 
word for you in the next world, though he plays dummy in this." 

" The poor gentleman," cried a voice in the crowd, to several of 
whom Bott seemed known, " has been down drinking your health, 
Mr. Bott, in salt water, and success to your application." 

" Look in the defunct's pockets, Mr. Coroner," urged a second 
voice ; " p'r'aps he's got a petition up for surveyor-general of sharks 
and codfish." 

" More likely," said a third, " a special bill for privilege to bathe 
in the docks below the lamp district." 

" No such thing," retorted the first citizen ; " I'll bet he's a quack 
doctor, been in to try a new pill that he's been inventing to keep wa- 
ter out of the stomach." 

" Come, gentlemen," said the Coroner, " the corpse begins to look 
melancholy. We must have a jury on the poor fellow, whoever he 
is ; and, Mr. Bott, you will make a good foreman, and I've no doubt, 
if you render a true verdict, provided the poor man can serve you by 
a good word with the devil, he'll do it with all his heart." 

Bott entreated his friend the Coroner to excuse him from service. 
The Coroner discovered his extreme urgency — was inexorable, and 
the inquest proceeded. The body was laid at full length on the top 
of a fish-stall, and the jury took their seats on market benches on 
each side. With a word or two from the Coroner, they proceeded 
to examine witnesses as to the manner of death of the gentleman in 
the faded blue handkerchief. The first that was produced was an 
old fish-monger, who looked as dry and withered as a salted haddock : 
X " It was about two o'clock, he guessed — it mought be more, or it 
mought be less, for he recollected there was a little blast of cloud jist 
over the sun — when what should he see but the dead one there walk- 
ing melancholy-like up and down the wharf, (as true as he lived,) 
■with a piece of rope and the tail of a dried herring — (herrings was 
now a shilling the dozen ; if the season set in earlier, it mought so 
be they would be down to nine-pence ha' penny) — sticking, for all the 
world, out of his coat pocket behind 1 He guessed at once, and 
without help, the moment he got sight of the herring and the rope- 
end, that something was wrong with the poor gentleman's head. 
He's loose in the attic, thinks I ; but how he'll use that rope to any 
advantage, with this high wind, I can't guess. If he tries a spile, 
he's sure to be interrupted unpleasantly ; and if he goes into the mar- 
ket and gets possession of a hook, why, some butcher or other '11 
come next morning and be offended mightily at the liberty he's took. 



10 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

* What will the poor gentleman do V says I, almost in convulsions to 
see how he was put out, as he rambled up and down the wharf, look- 
ing one time on the ground, and then gazing up at the mast-heads, 
and then stopping and taking a melancholy view in a basket at some 
fresh black-fish just out of the water. This put him in a doleful 
train ; and what does he do next but makes right down to the river all 
of a sudden, and spoils his herring and rope's-end, and his own dear 
body, by jumping straight into the tide ?" 

An idle fellow, a sort of wharf vagabond, was next produced to 
furnish his evidence as to the mode of death of the deceased. All 
that he could testify to was, that he differed from the first witness ; 
for that the herring and the rope, according to his best belief, were in 
different pockets : that the herring was in the right pocket, and the 
rope's end in the left. This witness was followed by a match-spirit, 
another river loafer, who was " as sure as veal was dead calf, that 
the rope's end was in the right pocket and the bit of herring in the 
left." This brought out his predecessor, and a furious altercation 
sprang up between the two minute and accurate observers as to the 
particular depository of the fish and cord. They battled it out for 
some time without interruption, when, being ordered off by the Coro- 
ner, they, in a very gentlemanly spirit, locked arms and marched 
away together to a neighboring porter-house, there to discuss the 
question over a pot of pale ale, and, after an hour's enthusiastic de- 
bate, to come to the conclusion that they were both right, and that 
*^ that old curmudgeon, the fish-monger, had parboiled (perjured) 
himself." 

Bott, all this time, was suffering under the most hideous state of 
feeling. Time was flying ; the sun was down ; the widow must, by 
this, be dressed ; she had put on her hat ; in a rage she had torn out 
of the house, and gone to the ball alone ! This was the masterly pic- 
ture that Bott's mind painted for its own amusement, while he sat at 
the head of the corpse. 

All the customary evidence had been examined, and a pretty palpa- 
ble case of self-drowning was made out ; when who should rush for- 
ward, to increase his discomfiture, but half a dozen medical worthies, 
in breathless haste, panting, and covered with sweat ? They all 
eagerly approached the body, felt of it's temples, it's wrists and it's 
ankles, with the most affectionate tenderness, and unanimously pro- 
nounced it — dead ! Here was a discovery for the Coroner and jury. 
The corpse was decided to be a corpse ; but as all their names could 
not appear in the next morning's report, the Coroner allowed a couple 



NOADIAB BOTT. H 

of them to unbutton the jacket of the corpse, put their fingers in it's 
mouth, and hand their names to his clerk. 

Bott was at length allowed to escape, and choosing the most direct 
route, started for home. He had successfully accomplished several 
blocks, when he heard a tremendous noise, resembling the approach 
of a furious army, the bursting of a volcano, or the thunder of a cat- 
aract ; it was a New York fire engine. With a horrible uproar, 
dragged forward by a hundred men, and with a tail of boys — black, 
white and piebald — as long as that of a comet, it rushed on. It 
neared the place where Bott was hurrying along ; it approached a 
cross-walk that Bott must pass to the opposite side of the street. He 
undertook to achieve it before the engine came up ; but, mistaking his 
time, he was caught in the current and hurried along. He had got 
entangled in the rope at the head of the machine, and it was under 
such head-way that he must go with it, or be trodden under foot and 
furnish a mournful casualty or melancholy accident for next day's 
papers. It was a dreadful situation for a gentleman of a rather cor- 
pulent habit, and slightly asthmatic ! He entreated the foreman to 
put his trumpet to his mouth and stop the engine ; he offered him two 
shillings if he would do it — a new hat — his watch ! It was all in 
vain ; you might as well attempt to arrest the progress of a herd of 
buffaloes on the prairie ; and they swept on — one long block, two, 
three. At length they came to a square, where there was a large 
heap of dirt ; and chance accomplished what a new beaver hat, a 
watch, and the amazing sum of twenty-five cents, had failed to do ; 
it arrested the engine ; and Bott, with his hair almost on end with 
fear and anxiety, disengaged himself, and retracing his steps at a hard 
gallop, reached his own door. 

Composing his spirits with one glass, he proceeded to arrange his 
toilette in another ; and at last stood, in full trim, before the widow's 
door. With trembling hand he knocked, and was answered ; She 
had gone to the ball an hour before, with her uncle Jonas, from An- 
droscoggin. " The devil take uncle Jonas ! (and Heaven be thanked 
it 's no worse !)" thought Noadiah ; and he speeded to the scene of 
festivity. 

Bott soon arrived at a large room lighted with mould candles ; and 
from a box in the centre of which, where a negro and five white men, 
like so many captive Troubadours of the feudal lime, were imprisoned 
for the evening, proceeded certain instrumental sounds of a very spir- 
ited and melodious character. On the floor thereof he discovered, 
besides the customary number of well dressed ladies, about one hun- 
dred and fifty men, apparently in the enjoyment of robust health, and 



12 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

endued in cartmen's frocks, every soul of them. This was the Cart- 
men's Fancy Ball — the fancy of the thing lying entirely in the frocks. 
After he had somewhat recovered from the dazzling effect of the 
refulgent mould-candles and the gorgeous apparel of the gentlemen, 
so that he could look about with tolerable composure, nearly the first 
object his eye fell upon was — as true as Bott wore a ruffle ! — uncle 
Jonas of Androscoggin, clad also in a cart-frock, and dancing away at 
a very vigorous rate with the widow. They appeared to be enjoying 
themselves charmingly ; and Noadiah thought he had never seen, in 
his whole life, a more afTectionate uncle or a more delightful niece. 
He however advanced into the centre of the room, where he was 
stared at by the frocked gentry as if he had been a Turk in a turban 
or a Mohawk in his blanket, and accosted the worthy pair. 

The widow playfully rebuked him for his tardiness and irregularity, 
adding, with a sly look at her partner, that " uncle Jonas had been so 
kind as to drop in and wait upon her, in his absence, with the ticket 
he (Bott) had left." She added, in a whisper in Bott's ear — " Uncle 
Jonas is one of the best men living ; and to tell you the truth, Bott, 
it 's the remarkable resemblance between yourself and him that made 
me take such a liking to you." 

At this Bott laughed in his sleeve, and uncle Jonas, who somehow 
or other had overheard the substance of the whisper, roared right out. 
Bott glanced stealthily at uncle Jonas very often throughout the eve- 
ning, and satisfied his own mind that he was one of the best looking 
men it had ever been his happiness to behold. 

The Fancy Ball proceeded merrily ; and every time the hundred 
and fifty male dancers jumped up and cut a pigeon's wing, or struck 
their heels in the air, they made a noise with their cart-frocks like 
the sails of a whole fleet of merchant ships flapping in the wind. 
But what astonished Bott most in the career of their proceedings was, 
that although he was extremely anxious to dance with the widow 
Bobbin, yet, by some marvellous combination of circumstances, he 
was deprived of that pleasure through the whole evening ; and what 
was, if possible, still more miraculous, uncle Jonas, by equal good 
luck, seemed to dance every individual cotillion with that lady. 
Sometimes he was pleasantly requested by the widow to bring her a 
lemonade from the saloon ; and before he could return, she was en- 
gaged, and dancing in high spirits with her respected relative. Then 
he would be courteously entreated by one of the managers to snuff a 
chandalier, as his frock was in the way, and he was afraid of a gen- 
eral conflagration if he attempted it. Then a polite invitation would 
be sent down from the musician's box, requesting Mr. Bott to come up 



NOADIAH BOTT. 13 

the ladder and give the orchestra his opinion on the rumble of the 
drum, and to pronounce whether it wasn't a trifle too harsh for the 
ears of the very genteel company below. In this way the evening 
glided by, without giving Bott an opportunity to distinguish himself 
on the floor ; till, just as the ball was about to break up, Mrs. Bobbin 
prevailed upon him to exhibit himself in a sailor's hornpipe, in which, 
she slyly informed the company, he was a most capital hand. A ring 
was accordingly formed by the rest of the assembled, gentry, and 
Bott executed a hornpipe in most brilliant and comic style ; in fact, 
his performance was so pregnant with humorous motions of the leg 
and swayings of the person, that, at the conclusion, a general compli- 
mentary laugh was raised for Bott's especial benefit. 

Upon the whole, Bott was pleased, and his pleasure was increased 
by uncle Jonas informing him that he must go another way, and that 
he (Bott) must see the widow home. Bott readily accepted the 
agreeable trust, innocently (and like the primeval Adam, before the 
days of omnibusses and licensed hacks) forgetting the coach hire. 
A hack was therefore called, and Noadiah and the widow, bidding 
uncle Jonas good-night, mounted in — the widow giving Bott the 
back seat and taking the forward one herself, remarking that she 
preferred riding backwards, she had been in the habit of rowing so 
much on a pond, when a girl. During their progress through the 
streets, Bott observed that the Avidovv every now and then looked just 
over the top of his hat and smiled ; but he did n't observe that uncle 
Jonas was standing up behind the carriage and making numerous 
pleasant signals and indications (now and then tapping his forehead 
significantly) to Mrs. Bobbin through the coach window. Having 
deposited the widow and discharged the hack, (for he preferred to 
walk home and chew the cud of amorous fancy at leisure,) about 
three o'clock that morning Noadiah stretched himself to pleasant 
dreams ! 

The inspection of staves now engrossed a large portion of the 
thoughts of the sagacious Bott, and he left no influence unasked and 
no politician unannoyed, but that he would obtain the office. He 
was by this time in possession of the autographs of more than fifty- 
important and respectable men, twenty tolerably great men, and 
twelve actually great men, that expected to be Members of Congress 
before they yielded the ghost. To strengthen his claim and bring 
himself more prominently before the party, he resolved to abandon 
the comparatively private theatre where he had heretofore performed, 
and exhibit on a larger stage — in a word, he determined to make a 
speech at Masonic Hall, which bears the same relation to the political 
3 



14 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

taverns of the wards as a Primate's Cathedral does to the little chap- 
els connected with it. After forming this resolution Noadiah strenu- 
ously devoted himself to the perusal of the newspapers and the 
orations of Patrick Henry as given in the "American Speaker," and 
to the practice and cultivation of his voice by a strict regimen of 
table beer and lozenges. In accordance with his design he prepared 
an elaborate speech, beginning — " Fellow-Citizens : Unaccustomed 
as I am to public assemblies" — and ending with an ecstatic descrip- 
tion of the "blood-stained Genius of Liberty wrapped in a winding- 
sheet of stripes and stars" — which was a tolerable figure, considering 
that Bott had no interest in an incorporated cemetery and was not a 
tailor by trade. 

The eventful evening having at length arrived, Bott disposed of an 
early tea, and ascended to the public room up stairs and locked him- 
self in with a tumbler of brandy and water and a fourth-size tallow 
candle, having given strict orders to a small boy to cry " Fire !" if 
any one attempted to interrupt him. He then recited his harangue 
from beginning to end with great vigor, addressing a group of large 
barrels that stood in a corner, as his " fellow-citizens," and a small 
barrel on his right hand, with ' Old Rum' branded on it, as " Mr. 
Chairman." 

The small boy had no occasion to cry ' fire,' and if the non-inter- 
ruption of Mr. Bott's speech was to be taken as evidence of no con- 
flagration, any company might have insured all the property, as far as 
his voice could be heard, with perfect safety, and at a very trifling 
premium. Having gone through his speech to his own perfect satis- 
faction, and without any symptoms of animation having manifested 
themselves either in the brandy-keg or the sturdy group of barrels, 
Mr. Bott descended, endued his stout little person in a rough over- 
coat with tremendous pearl buttons, and thrusting his manuscript 
speech in his hind-pocket, sallied forth. It was a clear, moon-light 
evening. Bott was in capital spirits, and he dropped into a cellar and 
took a couple of dozen of York-Bank oysters, just to strengthen his 
voice. He had not gone far, however, (reciting to himself favorite 
passages from his harangue,) when he was unconsciously followed by 
a slight youthful figure, which glided cautiously behind him, took a 
peep into his face, and extending it's right arm, withdrew from the 
pocket of Bott a while roll v/hich, in all human probability, contained 
the speech of the evening. The purloiner then stole ofif, and turning 
a corner, halted a moment under a lamp, opened the roll, laughed 
quietly, and then made way for a political club or association of the 
opposite party to Bott's, and there finding a numerous assembly of 



NOADIAH BOTT. 15 

choice spirits gathered, he regaled them with the recitation of the 
able and eloquent harangue of Noadiah (or Noddy, as the reader took 
the liberty of calling him,) Bott, Esq., which you may be sure was 
interrupted with frequent exclamations like these — " Well done, 
Bott !" " Good, for the inspector of staves !" " Equal to fifth-proof 
with five-fifths water !" 

In the mean time the hilarious and innocent Noadiah was wending 
joyously toward the scene of his glory, stopping now and then, how- 
ever, when he was reminded by a hydrant or some other upright and 
stationary object, of an attentive listener, to get into the shadow of the 
buildings and recite some striking passage with appropriate extension 
of arms, contracting of brows and planting ( f the foot. 

An immense crowd had assembled ; the xiieeting was called to 
order ; a Chairman and seventeen Assistant-Chairmen (to help the 
presiding officer look grave) were appointed, and five or six speakers, 
ranging from three feet and a half to six feet high, and from twenty 
years of age to seventy, with every variety of voice from the kettle- 
drum to the fife, addressed the audience — and Bott listened to them 
all, sometimes pleased that his own time had not arrived, and some- 
times eager to take the platform at once. 

At length the cry of *' Bott ! " " Bott ! " was heard rising from dif- 
ferent quarters of the room, (for certain vagabond friends of his, there 
by his special invitation, were on the alert,) and swelling into a per- 
fect tempest of acclamation, Bott came forward, aided in the rear by 
two or three sturdy scamps, and helped in the van by a couple of the 
secretaries, who seized him forcibly by the collar and drew him 
forward. 

" Three cheers for Bott !" shouted one of his vagabond friends the 
moment his nose became visible as he assumed the stand. Three 
cheers were accordingly given, and Bott began. Through the first 
half-dozen sentences of his harangue he marched in triumphant style 
keeping his eye fixed keenly on a bald-headed man in about the centre 
of the crowd, to steady his nerves — when suddenly the bald-headed 
man, prompted by a current of air that came in at a broken pane, clap- 
ped on his hat. and Bott slopped short as if he had been struck with 
the apoplexy. " Go on !" was the universal cry. But Bott had lost 
his self-possession, and stared around like a frightened rabbit, first at 
the Chairman, then at each one of the seventeen Assistant-Chairmen, 
then into the bottom of his hat, and then he thought of his manuscript. 
A smile gleamed over his face, and he thrust his hand behind him, 
found nothing, brought it back again, and the sickly smile went out. 
At last he stammered — " Beer three cents a glass — nutmeg extra — 



16 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

no trust in this shop" — and he was hurried off the stage by the two 
benevolent secretaries who had dragged him on by the collar. 

Recovering himself from the shock as well as he might, and mak- 
ing his way through the press as speedily as possible, he rushed into 
the open air and aimed at once for the widow's. There he was sure 
to find one respectful auditor at least, and ample consolation for the 
miscarriage of his oratory. 

To his utter and unqualified astonishment, he was there informed 
that the widow had gone out with her uncle an hour before and wasn't 
expected back in a week I What could this mean ? His mind was 
filled with dreadful forebodings — horrible surmises ! It could not be 
that they had left home to drown themselves together ? that they had 
gone out to fight a promiscuous duel because the widow had seen fit 
to show more partiality and affection for him than for her own uncle ? 
that they had ascended the top of the shot-tower to study astronomy 
for a short time, and then to plunge for ever from its dizzy height ? 
Notwithstanding these conflicting conjectures, Noadiah went straight 
home and immediately examined the Table of Consanguinity in the 
Bible, to ascertain whether uncle and niece were within marriageable 
degree. 

Next morning's paper explained the whole matter in the most art- 
less manner. It was neither drowning, murder nor aerial precipita- 
tion — but simply matrimony. The announcement set forth the parties 
as Jonas Tupp, cartman, and Mrs. Amelia Bobbin, ' both of this city.' 
The relationship appeared to have been perfectly imaginary — a merely 
playful hypothesis. 

As to the inspection of staves, it was considered so far beneath 
Bolt's dignity and the worth of his services as to be given to one Zac- 
chias Bull, or BuUwinkle, or some such zoological fellow ; and Bott 
was informed by private letter that his application had been hotly op- 
posed by his very good friend, the Alderman who had tendered his 
invitation to the Common Council to visit a remarkable tortoise twenty- 
three weeks under a stone, &c., on the ground that said invitation (the 
most serious operation of Bolt's life) was a deliberate imposition, as 
he was satisfied, on the understanding of the Honorable the Corpora- 
tion ! 




"Re- appear- ye sad tenartts cf tAe na-rr^gi-w hcusei 



JOTTERS* FIELD. 17 



POTTERS' FIELD. 

i sf AND Upon the graves of the poor. Over this simple field, un* 
Varied by mark or monument, I cast my eye and feel the povrer 
and presence of death more than in the tombs of kings, or standing 
beside those huge mausoleums, the pyramids. Here the grim 
phantom stalks naked; not skulking as in the cemeteries of the 
rich and prosperous, behind funeral piles, or stealing avi^ay from the 
gaze amid masses of carved marble. Every step of the tyrant falls 
clear and distinct upon the grave of some lowly son of earth and 
poverty. How many of the children of sorrow have tottered into 
this humble burial-place, and thrown down the weary burden of 
grief and wretchedness under which they had fainted in the sun. 

All-accordant must be the trumpet-blast that can melt into one 
harmonious web of life these motley elements. What a pageant 
of wretchedness and rags and penury would the habitants of this 
single acre form, could they be summoned from their rest. Mos* 
cow's bell should ring to raise the awful curtain, and bring upon 
the stage the parti^coloured company. 

An archangel's peal alone could startle back into life (from which 
their suffering was so deep and piercing) the various multitude^ 
An omnipotent edict in truth it would require to force them once 
more upon a scene where anguish and tears were their only legacy, 
and the grave^the quiet, rent-free grave, their reversion ! 

Many as the citizens that people the bottom of the deep, are the 
myriads that have sunk silently as into an ocean billow, into the 
bosom of this green earth. I will try a simple spell of my own : 
perchance it may bring them up, at least in phantasy. 

" Re-appear ye sad tenants of the narrow house once more oil 
the earth where ye suffered ! I here establish a court of death. Ye 
are summoned to the trial ; answer ye to your names. Hear ye ! 
hear ye !" 

No. L— 3 



J 8 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

"Saul Rope? Saul Rope?" Slowly from the earth, near at 
my feet, a pale, shrunken being shakes off the green mould, and 
feebly aiding himself with his hand on his grave's side, steps into 
the twilight. 

His dress is an entire suit of gray, coarse linsey-woolsey, with 
a plain, cheap hat, without nap or buckle. " I was a saw-filer," 
said the poor apparition, " and kept a small shop in Doyer street. 
When I set up there I had a few friends at first, but they soon 
dropped off. The street was so crooked that nobody could find 
their way to me, even if they wanted my services; no one except 
an old bachelor with a twist in his neck, who seemed to have a 
natural facility in threading the windings of the alley, and who came 
(not on business, but) to enjoy my pleasant conversation ! Besides, 
a middle-aged lady, who was born in the street, and who had a 
praiseworthy fondness for her place of nativity, and who visited me 
annually the day before Christmas, to have her carving-knife put 
in order for the holidays. By-and-by the old lady died off---the 
bachelor bought a little farm and retired into the country, and I 
was forced to abandon my thankless trade of saw-filing and go upon 
the watch. Of a feeble frame I soon caught a cold, fell into a gal- 
loping consumption, and you see me here. Thank God I there 
was no wife nor little child to weep the day that the simple saw- 
filer died." 

The next dead defendant was a corpulent, hale fellow, who an- 
swered to the name of Robert Drum, and w^as clad in tattered and 
ragged garments, without hat, shirt or boots, whose story, in brief 
was, that " he had been a beggar, and had died of good-living and 
repletion." 

After him Peter Packhorse and family were called. At first no 
one appeared, but, on a repetition of the summons, a small middle- 
aged man was seen making his way from a remote part of the field, 
with a sickly woman hanging on his right arm, and a train of twelve 
or thirteen thinly clad, pale girls and boys following them. 

The tale of Peter^s distresses was touching and pathetic. 

" Upon the banks of the sunny Bronx, in the sweet and cheerful 
village of White Plains," said Peter, " God cast my lot. I owned 
a few patrimonial acres, and in my early youth took to myself a 
buxom and bonny wife, and together we made a little Paradise 
of our farm, for every thing was abundant and in good order. The 
seasons were our friends, and the clear stream that ran by our door 



tOTTERs' FIELD. IQ 

kept US close to our home by its cheerful voice and its ever delight- 
ful, rippling music. In summer I gathered in my harvest, with my 
first-born boy and girl at play betv^^een the swathes and winrows, 
and when the autumn came, and the winter was provided for, I 
would take my gun or my angle in my hand, and strolling away 
into the rich crimson woods or along the mossy streams, meditate 
upon the bounties and blessings Heaven had given me in my fertile 
farm, my bonny wife and my sweet-featured boy and girl. Thus 
three joyous years glided by, and prosperity made me a christian 
in the open fields, and a devout worshipper in the church. On the 

last day of the winter of , a cousin of mine, a black-browed, 

thoughtful man, arrived in the mail-coach from the city on a visit 
of friendship. He stayed little more than a Aveek, but made so 
good use of his time, as to persuade me to sell my farm, turn it into 
cash, and, carrying my family with me, settle in New York, and 
become a broker — a sorry shaver of notes. The profits that he 
conjured up before me seemed so rapid and sure, the business so 
light, airy and gentleman-like, (who is it that has never been fired 
with ihe passion of becoming a gentleman !) that I fell in with his 
proposition, and early in spring disposing of my farm and stock at 
vendue, hastened to town. Here I soon lost the better half of my 
ready cash; my dark-browed city cousin absconded with the balance, 
and I, with a family which had doubled, was upon the town. In a 
short time, even my darling children, (yes, the bright fairy boy and 
girl of my country days too !) were snatched from me by an envi 
ous fever, and I was alone with my wdfe in the vast city without 
bread. I obtained employment, precarious and cheap employment 
it was, as a journeyman shoemaker: for every farmer in the parts 
where I was born knows something of the trade. Thus I sustain 
ed myself for a few years, a new family of children having sprung 
up and died at my side in the mean time. My wife followed her 
thirteenth child, (a pretty, lovely girl!) My staff of life was broken. 
The trade at which I toiled bent me double, and, in the ninth year 
after I had left that little Eden, on the banks of the Bronx, a 
disease of the spine fastened upon me. I lay sick for months, in 
a low, vile shed, racked by intolerable pain of body, and worse an- 
guish of mind, until I died and came here to lie with my wife and 
children in everlasting rest! I would that a river ran by our graves 
—something like the Bronx!" 

I could hardly refrain from tears, at the recital of Peter's simple 



20 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Story, but, mastering my emotion, and turning my face toward 
another quarter of the field, I cited — 

" Paula Hops?"— At this summons, a light, female form, endued 
in a black, bombazine gown, with a white vandyke about the neck, 
stepped out of her grave upon the earth, with something of natural 
grace in her gesture, and gave the following history of herself. 

" I am a poor seamstress," said the fair vision, a hectic glow 
shining through her pale cheek, and a doubtful brilliancy kindling 
her eye, " I was born to that vocation. My mother and grand- 
mother before me were seamstresses, and lived in comfort and 
plenty; but that was in different times from these. Tailors did 
not ride in carriages then, that poor girls might starve. 

" Their labour was at least worth the candle they burned far mto 
the night to pursue it by ; but I do them wrong, they never burned 
the midnight lamp. Their hours were at the worst from sunrise 
to sunset. I toiled often from the first streak of morning till the 
neighbouring clock tolled twelve at midnight, or one on the morn- 
ing of the next day. And see ! this is my reward — these are the 
wages for which 1 wasted my young blood, health and spirits, and 
finally my life !" and saying this, she took from her bosom and 
handed to me a soiled and rumpled paper, containing the following 
particulars : 

" Seamstresses' Prices: — Six hours work on a common vest 
six and a quarter cents. Twenty-four hours work on Baboon coats 
of kersey, fifty cents. Twelve hours work on Navy shirts with star* 
collars, twelve and a half cents. Twa days work on blanket coats 
with ^urteen buttons, fifty cents. Frock tees of duffle-cloth for stout 
bodied men, twenty-four hours' labour, thirty-seven and a half 
cents. Pantaloons with fly fronts and straps, eleven hours, twenty- 
five cents, &c." 

And leaving this guilty and barbarous catalogue in my hands the 
fair victim disappeared. 

Next, I called up in succession and heard the elegiac histories of 
Poor Joe Crutch, an old pauper, with a red bandanna about his 
head; Susan and Sarah Sparkels^ a pair of spinster sisters, wither- 
ed and sad, who came up arm-in-arm, as if they occupied a joint 
grave; Sam Weatherly, a paralytic poultry-merchant; Moll or 
Mary Jones, huckster ; two red-faced butchers that died of apo- 
plexy within a day of each other — (the old co-partnership) Bull and - 
Bullock y a pauper negro, Nick Johnson ; five or six sickly-looking. 



21 

crook-backed, wood- sawyers; Quibble, a rusty attorney, with the 
dirty end of a declaration in covenant sticking out of his breeches' 
pocket, &c., (fee. 

"Call into Court!" I exclaimed in a voice of command, to a 
feeble, old crier of the Common Pleas, that had appeared (privilege 
of his former office,) without summons to tell his tale of wo — " Call 
into Court! all those that have died of harsh usage and broken 
hearts !" and, feeble as was the voice of the tottering beadle, at his 
summons an innumerable company of haggard creatures started up 
and swarmed in every part of Potters' Field. A countless throng of 
faces was before me, men, women and children — but, all of them 
wearing a certain proof of the deep anguish that had cut to the heart 
and brought them to the grave. Who knew their malady, as they 
pined away day by day, like fruits that perish internally, and drop 
from the tree without seeming frost or blight ? None! not one! 

Some of them died off abruptly — others lingered along for 
months, and a few to whom nature had furnished stout, mas- 
culine hearts, weathered it for a year or two; and then the un- 
dertaker (such a one as poverty could afford) was called in; the 
hearse stood at the door ; the neighbours' children gathered won 
deringly about the house and walk; a few of the better-hearted 
neighbours dropped in; more of them looked out at their windows, 
or put their caps together and discussed the dead one's disease — 
some calling it pleurisy, and some, nearer the truth, an affection of 
the heart, but none, not one (unless some single sister or shrewd 
aunt that lived with the poor family,) dreaming it was that terrible and 
crushing form of the disease — a broken heart. Thus the poor-house 
train passes from the door ; the corpse in its plain pine-coffin is de- 
posited in the grave; and henceforth the dead is dead to all the 
earth! There is nothing by which to remember the poor that are 
gone ! It is only over them as a multitude, whose combined sor- 
rows and sufferings assume to the fancy a huge and dreadful aspect, 
that any one mourns. 

As individuals while living none care for them but death; — dead 
none regards them but God ! 



THU MQTI,Ey BOOK, 



GREASY PETERSON. 

Smooth, unctuous, fish-faced being ! that sittest duck-like, perch* 
ed on the oil-barrel's edge, ready to make a plunge into the sea 
of business that roars at thy feet— Calmness personified, holy 
Peace, Placidity and Quiet descended to earth in the guise of a green- 
grocer ! Greasy Peterson vulgar mortals have named thee, know- 
ing not the true sweetness and blessedness of thy life in its even 
flow. Judged by thy garments thou art in truth a poor-devil. A 
blue coat patched like the sky with spots of cloudy black, oil-spot- 
ted drab breeches, cased in coarse overalls of bagging, are not the 
vestments in which worldly greatness clothes itself, or worldly wis- 
dom is willing to be seen walking streets and highways. True, 
thou hast a jolly person and goodly estate of flesh and blood un- 
der such habiliments. GHde on, glide on Oleaginous Robert — 
like a river of oil, and be thy taper of life quenched silently as 
pure spermaceti ! 

Robert Peterson, Esq., green-grocer and tallow-chandler, pos- 
sessed the most incongruous face that ever adorned the head of 
mortal. 

His nose thrust itself out, a huge promontory of flesh, at whose 
base two pool-like eyes sparkled small, clea/ and twinkling, while 
a river of mouth ran athwart its extreme projection, flowing almost 
from ear to ear, with only a narrow strip of ruddy cheek intervening. 

Within, greasy Bob possessed a mind as curiously assorted as 
his countenance. It was composed of fragments of every thing, 
bits of knowledge of one kind and another strangely stitched to- 
gether, and forming an odd patch-work brain, whose operations it 
was a merry spectacle to observe. 

" Good morning neighbour Peterson," said a small, snipe-nosed 
firuiterer from next door, " Good morning !— I hope we shall have 
fine weather now the wind has shifted his tail to the Nor'-west." 



GREASY PETERSON. 23 

" Hopes it may be so, Mr. Tart — the stars were precious clear 
last night, the sky was a healthy red this morning — and farmer 
Veal brought in his pouUry to be ready for sale by noon. I hope 
the bank will give me a lift to day, for I did'nt know but we should 
lose our little girl last night — with the measles; she was sickly, 
very sickly. Perhaps peaches are cheap now i aren't they Mr. 
Tart? How is the little widow Mr. Tart. I bought a firkin prime 
butter Wednesday afternoon Mr. Tart, only one and six per pound. 
That dress of the young parson's is horrid taste, bright buttons and 
rainbow-coloured neckerchief !" And so Mr. Peterson would ramble 
on by the hour, touching on every imaginable subject, exhausting 
none, adorning all by a placid and mimitable face, and a peculiar, 
emphatic, jerking delivery. It is calculated by an acute and accu- 
rate neighbour of his, (a patent astronomical instrument-maker) that 
in one day Greasy Peterson touched on one hundred and twenty- 
three distinct and different subjects, without devoting more than two 
seconds and a quarter of remark to any one. 

There was a flavour of this same grotesque humour in every 
thing that he said or did. 

The store in which he carried on trade presented the same mot- 
ley confusion and variety as his conversation. It was a congrega- 
tion of an infinite diversity of wares and merchandizes; a piebald 
assemblage of boxes, candles, loaves, dried fish, fresh fish, green 
cabbage, red roses in pots in the wmdow, scales, antique hatchets, 
pyramidal and cone-shaped loaves of sugar in blue-paper caps, 
cinnamons and cloves in flaunting frocks of yellow, and Greasy Pe- 
terson, presiding in the midst, mounted on keg or counter, like a 
Turkish Muezzin, in a rusty cocked beaver. 

The outside of this singular edifice, answered aptly to the inte 
rior. Originally it was a low, stone building, with a tile roof, occu 
pied as a powder house, with small, square windows, protected by 
iron gratings. About the twentieth year of the present century the 
tile roof had been shattered by a heavy thunder-clap, and for a time 
the Httle powder house remained tenantless, unless the landlord 
chose to collect his rent from a ghost in goggle eyes that was said 
to occupy the premises. In the year twenty-five, (I think it was) 
it fell into the hands of Mr. Peterson, who immediately set about 
converting it into a store and dwelling. The first step in this im- 
portant undertaking was, to build upon the stone-work that had sur- 
vived the storm, an upper story and attic of wood ; and when this 



24 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

was completed, the innocent little powder house looked very much 
like a stiff, old maid that has weathered half a dozen changes of 
fashion, and chooses to wear an under-gown of the last century, 
topped with a boddice and head-dress of the newest gloss. 

Next, the windows were enlarged in length and breadth, the bars 
removed, and a noisy pair of shutters given to each. 

But the finishing-stroke remained. The fantastic tenement was 
yet to be painted, and here the riant humour of Mr. Robert Peter- 
son broke away from rein and bridle, and fairly galloped off with all 
the plain sense of the worthy chandler. He entered into contracts 
with no less than six painters for the painting and ornamenting of 
his new-fangled edifice, believing that no less a number could fur- 
nish a sufficient assortment of colours. And to each one of the six 
he gave special directions as to the compounding of novel and un- 
heard-of varieties of tint. 

The brain of the unctuous little grocer was so frenzied with a 
passion for painting and " touching up" every article within reach, 
that his worthy spouse feared that he might take a fancy to give 
*' a new coat" to his fat-featured children themselves, and she ac' 
cordingly despatched them on a short visit to their aunt Peterson's 
on the other side of the town : preserving herself from a similar 
visitation by an unusually taciturn and retired demeanour during 
the week. 

And now that Peterson's powder house has left the brush of 
six painters, it shines upon the adjacent streets, a many-coloured 
meteor! rivalling the sky itself in the brilliancy and variety of its 
tints. It is sunset embodied in stone and wood, only with new and 
greater accessions of gorgeous hue. An enormous dot of paint, as it 
were, planted at the corner, saying, " stop here." A vasty excla- 
mation-mark of red and blue and yellow, dashed down at the junction 
of the streets, demanding the wayfarer's pause, and the wagoner's 
mounted admiration. 

As in a hero everything is (or should be) heroic, so, as I have 
before noted, every thing connected with the worthy green-grocer 
assumed some colour of the humorous. 

The eleventh year from his opening store and establishing his 
family in the powder house, Mr. Peterson, by dint of large profits 
and small expenditures, was able to set up a snug equipage for fami- 
ly use. This was a light vehicle with a green leather cover, ex- 
tending over the whole length, so that it resembled an airy market 




I heir /<//z,^rrr/ //? ly^s^r/? rsA^v 



GREASY PETERSON. 25 

wagon, fixed upon high, stout springs, and containing four seats 
within. Drawn by a single, sleek, shining nag of very moderate 
size and stature, the Peterson family were accustomed to visit 
certain kindred of their's living at Pelham and West-Farms. It 
was a rare sight to see them setting forth from the front-door of 
their gaudy dwelling : in front sate Greasy Peterson himself, smi- 
ling in a new, sky-blue coat, with bright buttons, tightly fastened 
up to his chin, light plush pantaloons, and an unctuous face and a 
pair of buckskin gloves; the whole person surmounted by a glossy 
black beaver hat; driving his way forward with considerable speed, 
by the aid of sundry encouraging chirrups and admonitory, ** Ge- 
ups," and " Get-a-longs," By the side of him was discovered the 
slim, upright form of Robert Peterson, jr., his eldest son, holding 
a black-handled coach-whip in his hand, with which he greeted 
in the progress of travel, innumerable vagrant curs, that hailed him 
open-mouthed at the doors by which they passed. On the seat 
immediately behind these two worthies sate Messrs. Ehphalet and 
Bildad Peterson, holding transverse across their breasts a candle- 
faced child, recently baptized Thaha, (softened by the same mon^ 
sters that christened her sire " Greasy,") into Tallow Peterson. On 
the next seat rear-ward were disposed two interesting children in 
calico-frocks— Moses and Johnny Peterson, and supporting the ut- 
most rear reposed Mrs. Sophia Peterson, the corpulent spouse of 
Robert, and Sophia Peterson, jr., a girl with a large head and beau- 
tiful set of delicate small teeth. 

With this burthen behind him, the little nag ambled on quietly 
and in good cheer, although the vehicle that he drew was elevated 
so high above him, that the tenants of the wagon and the sleek 
horse, seemed to belong to altogether different planets. Their re- 
turn from these visits was still more grotesque, for their family-car- 
riage generally trundled into town garnished with baskets of fresh, 
sweet-scented apples, and a pair or two of tender poultry, present- 
ed by the kindly farmer-friends whom they had visited, hanging at 
the sides, enlivened at times by a gay string of onions, or an ambi- 
tious head of cabbage. 

If I were called upon to name the prevailing characteristic of 
Mr. Peterson's mind, I should say, (with deference for better judg- 
ments) it was a certain, practical, business shrewdness, that never 
allowed itself to slumber or to be overreached. Whenever trade 
was the subject, or bargain the objeci of conversation, all the inco- 

No. II 4 



26 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

herence I have spoken of disappeared, and his mind flowed forth ip 
a quiet, steady stream of plain good sense and useful knowledge. 
Those " outward limbs and flourishes" were instantly lopped off 
by the exacting knife of business and gain, and the simple, unadorn- 
ed trunk of the matter stood disencumbered. Many are the prime 
bargains Peterson has entrapped unwary boatmen and butter-mer- 
chants into, by help of his rude garments and vagabond presentment. 

" How much do you ask a pound for these firkins squire ?" ask- 
ed Greasy Peterson one day, dressed in his roughest suit of clothes, 
and a hat with only half a rim. 

" Why, loafer," replied the captain of the sloop, to whom this 
question was addressed in a slouching, careless tone, " why uncle 
oily-breeches, I guess you may have it six pence a pound the lot.' 

" I'll take it sir !" said Greasy Peterson, throwing an air of con- 
siderable seriousness and dignity into his remark, which startled the 
rash butter-merchant slightly. 

" But mind ye neighbour— it's cash down at that price ! Come, 
fork over the solid. Old Rags," said the boatman, with a loud laugh, 
and turning with a quizzical leer to a group of captains and sloop- 
boys that had gathered to see the fun. 

" Here it is !" responded Peterson, coolly, taking out a dirty 
buckskin bag, and counting down in hard silver the sum to which 
the twenty-five firkins of butter amounted; ordered the whole upon 
a cart, and jumping on himself, touched his hat very politely, and 
bade the astounded crew of boatmen, " good afternoon !" 

The rash captain lives to this day, and indulges in a curious half- 
laugh, when he is engaged in bargaining, that is known along the 
wharves as the famous Greasy Peterson chuckle. 

About the forty-third year of his age, the worthy grocer was visit' 
ed by apoplexy which dried up his vital juices, and withered his 
person like an apple blown from the tree, nipped by autumn 
frosts. The physicians straightway hurried in, and bled him so 
freely, that the fresh gloss and old smoothness departed from his 
countenance, and left him a sorry spectacle compared with the for- 
mer galliard and jovial creature that answered to his name. He 
however recovered so far in a few weeks as to be able to hobble 
out towards noon, and plant himself on a stool, on the sunny side 
of his store, to air his constitution, and receive the congratulations 
and good wishes of his friends and neighbours as they passed 
or paused awhile to inquire more minutely after his health. In a 



CREASY PETERSON. S7 

short time, (despite his careful diet and the skilful practice of his 
physicians,) a second and heavier stroke of the disease fell upon 
him and carried him off, at two o'clock in the afternoon of the same 
day on which the celebrated Fat Ox, Billy Lambert, arrived in 
town. 



THE MOTLEY BOOK. 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 

Gentle, charitable, benevolent reader! if thou feelest disposed 
to aid thine author in a sore perplexity, and to dispense unto him, 
out of the abundance of thy geographical erudition, permit him to 
address to thee (humbly confessing his manifold ignorance,) a single 
interrogatory : Where is the city of Peth ? Many times have I 
journeyed along the highway, that runs through Greenwich, in the 
state of Connecticut, and heard some learned traveller that rode 
with me say — yonder is the city of Peth! pointing to the north- 
east: and looking thither, I have discovered nought but a common 
hill-side, with a single low tenement feebly sustaining itself amid, 
a score of rocks, and three or four straggling apple-trees. 

Nevertheless in that illustrious city, (wherever it be) the city of 
peth, of whose inhabitants the country doggerel says — 

Half ran away, and half starved to death, 

did the equally illustrious Solomon Clarion find a dwelling-place. 

Humanity never assumed a more joyous and gladsome form than 
thine, blithe Sol. Clarion! Ah! why didst thou leave the tumbling 
hay-mow, and the fresh stream, to become a pilgrim to this Babel 
of ours ? Why didst thou abandon the festal company of rustic 
youths and maidens, to mingle with the tide of dark or care-worn 
faces that flows through our streets. 

Li his earliest prime, young Clarion lost his mother, (a golden 
woman — full of the delicacies and rich fruits that belong to her sex, 
dashed with something of a wilder savour,) and was brought to 
yonder poor dwelling to be a house-mate with his mother's parents. 

Young Solomon's character soon developed itself, and proved to 
be of a " mingled yarn." None was gayer at school or in the or- 
chard at play than he : and yet, at times, none was sadder or more 
thoughtful. 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARIOK. 29 

Some holidays he passed in merry game and wild frolic with 
his little school companions, others he spent far away in the woods, 
or wandering through the green meadows, or loitering slowly by 
the babbling brook. It was Solomon Clarion (that fear-nought boy) 
that rode the wild colts and ran at the heels of every mad bull 
that roared in the county ! It was Solomon Clarion that was 
caught in an attitude of breathless and reverential regard, watching 
the glorious sunset or the stars climbing the sky. 

In front of his grandfather's dwelling, and by the road-side, stood 
a dry, dead, old cherry-tree, which had been barren of fruitage for 
many years. It had been planted by a quaint, old bachelor uncle, 
and was considered a precious family relic; and as such, SoL 
himself regarded it until one day, a clear April holiday, in a game- 
some mood he doomed its overthrow. Gathering a noisy band of 
school fellows, he issued his warrant against Old Uncle Cherry, (the 
name by which it was known throughout the neighbourhood,) and, 
producing a coil of rope, ascended the tree, and fixed a halter about 
its mossy old neck. At a signal the boys gave a hearty pull, (none 
heartier than Clarion !) and, with a clamorous shout, it fell to the 
earth. In a moment or two Solomon was missing, and his comrades 
after considerable search discovered him over the fence, with tears^ 
m his eyes, sliding a fragment of the mouldering bark of Old Uncle-' 
Cherry thoughtfully into his pocket. So strange a creature wa^ 
Clarion ! 

Sol's chosen friend and boon-companion was a simple fellow by 
the name of Will Robin — or Foolish Will, as he was better known^ 
and whose general character (although brightened and improved by 
occasional flashes of wit and shrewdness) justified the epithet. He" 
was the butt and target of all the boors for twenty miles around. 
If any farmer or farmer's son, or serving-man wished to be witty 
at the very cheapest rate and smallest possible expenditure of 
thought, no better luck could betide him than to chance upon Fool- 
ish WilL If a gallant was anxious to obtain the reputation of vast 
facetiousness and great brilliancy of intellect with his mistress, his 
fortune could be no sooner made than by having poor Robin drop in 
to have a few small, innocent jests thrust into his pincushion brain 
without reply. 

But Solomon Clarion found better matter and better services in' 
Will than these. He saw in the poor varlet concealed veins of 
feeling and odd streaks of fancy, chequering what the world consider- 



30 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

ed, his vacant heart and blank intellect. He saw in him innocence and 
purity, a sense of love, and a deep sense of attachment wasted 
(unless some human being like himself chose to garner them for the 
simple owner,) on dogs and birds, and horses, and others of the 
thoughtless tribe. 

Conversation with Will, too, though sadly strange and disjointed, 
occasionally let the light in, as it were through the chinks of a dis- 
ordered brain, upon curious trains and passages of thought. At 
times he garnished his remarks unconsciously, with rare conceits 
that might have gained for one of our elder poets the reputation of 
a bountiful wit. 

" As true as I'm Will Robin," he exclaimed one clear, fair even* 
ing, as they were returning together through a meadow from a long 
summer's day ramble, " yonder's preacher Purdy's new white 
beaver hat— nailed up by the rim — Look !" 

Sol. Clarion gazed in the direction to which he pointed, and 
answered, " why Will, I see nothing where you point but the plain, 
old moon in her first quarter." 

" You may well call her plain," replied Will, catching at a new 
thread of thought; " If it be the moon, (I'm not clear on that point 
yet,) she is the only decent planet in the sky. She behaves some* 
thing like, and keeps up a good bright light when it's wanted, and 
is dressed in good, homely, clean linen in the bargain : while your 
fiery old sun capers up and down in crimson velvet, making 
every body lecherous and appcplectic — I don't care who knows it." 

"It's preacher Purdy's hat — is it Will?" said Clarion, anxious to 
bring him back to his original suggestion, and to see what he would 
make of it. 

"Yes it is preacher Purdy's hat, I'm sure of that; for don't I 
see the woolly nap on ii now that I look closer," (clapping his hand 
folded like a telescope to his eye, and watching as two or three 
fleecy clouds crossed the disk of the planet,) " What a beautiful 
wren-house and place for swallows and martins ! I wish my little flock 
of blue-coated beauties had as good quarters— It's softer and nicer 
than an old black hat. But the preacher '11 have to go bare-headed 
to meeting next Sabbath — that '11 be funny !" And poor Will burst 
into a boisterous roar of laughter, in which Sol. was forced to join, 
for the sake of good fellowship. 

In all Sol. Clarion's jovial doings and merry-makings, Foolish 
Will was a faithful squire and attendant: and, simple as was the 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 31 

brain of the strange creature, it always had sufficient sagacity to 
comprehend the drift and purpose of a joke of Sol's., and to furnish 
its little tribute of suggestions to help it forward. One day, (it was 
Sunday, in June,) it came into Sol. Clarion's head to make a pil- 
grimage, with rod and line, to Rye Pond or Lake Westchester, 
some five or six miles distant from his home. He lay under an 
apple-tree, cogitating some method of safe and easy conveyance, 
when Foolish Will, in one of his wild capers, came rolling down 
the hill into the orchard, and directly against the ribs of the thought- 
ful Solomon. 

" Heigho," cried he, " this is a new style of salutation on a 
Sunday morning. I have full confidence. Will, in your affection 
without these heavy tokens. Be pleased to take off your carcase 
and give me a comfortable morsel of advice." 

" Advice ! Sol. if you want that, it is but a stone's throw to friend 
Bloom's, and he hath enough to turn his own mill and some over 
for his neighbours. That's a fine owl of a fellow his oldest son— 
I'm sure of that Solomon !" And he twisted his face as nearly into 
an outline of the bird's visnomy, as his smooth features would allow. 

" Never mind Booby Bloom, Will," continued Clarion, " I'm 
bent for a fishing-excursion to-day." 

" And want me to hang on as a poor worm for bait I suppose,'* 
and an altogether unnecessary tear filled the eye of the gentle- 
hearted fool. 

"No, no, Will, not for that," returned Solomon in a persuasive ac* 
cent. " No Willie you must borrow some good neighbour's horse 
and wagon, and ride with me !" 

" Black snakes and tree-toads take me if I will," exclaimed poor 
Robin, " I'll ride without loan or purchase. There's old Bloom's black 
nag running at large in the woods ; all the family's away to meet- 
ing, saving blind Dick and deaf aunt Sally. Come, I'll bring down 
gran'father's rusty saddle, and we'll mount and shog off. Come," he 
concluded, taking Clarion by the hand, and drawing him up from 
his recumbent position, " come Master Solomon, it's the best thing 
we can do." And so Master Solomon seemed to think too, for ho 
leaped up, ran into the house, and in a trice brought forth a dusty 
demi-pique saddle and broken bridle, which latter he handed to 
Foolish Will. They soon reached the woods together, the black 
nag was speedily caparisoned, and they were on their way to the 
Pond. 



82 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

That was a delicious day to the soul of Sol. Clarion. Grave joy S 
(if I may so speak,) and pleasing sadness blended together, and 
steeped him in a stream of pure delight. Nature on one side open- 
ed her fair page, and on the other side sat Will Robin, a most rare 
and queer commentator, turning all things into fantastic shapes and 
startling the woods and the waters with fancies never before heard* 
Before Sol. as he sate upon a jutting rock, embowered in trees, the 
cheek of the sweet pond swelled with the curve and fullness of 
beauty itself ; kissed by forest shadows that here and there fell like 
caresses from the waving trees. Now and then a stray duck start* 
ed out from the shore, and flew, like a silent thought, to an oppo* 
site quarter of the lake, or a water-snake slipped, from its sunny 
covert on the margin, back into its native element. Afar the 
meadows stretched and swelled into gentle hills, which lay basking 
in the sun, with an ox or horse now and then stealing quietly across 
the landscape. Behind them (the Prince of Darkness must have a 
foothold somewhere !) Bloom's black nag is tethered in the bushes, 
munching a handful of fresh clover. 

" See yonder thick-skinned philosopher !" said Will Robin, point* 
ing to an old turtle that had perched himself upon a rock in the middle 
of the pond, " I suppose he has mounted that dry pulpit to hold forth 
to his watery congregation. D'ye know Solomon, (Master Solo* 
mon I mean,) that 1 sometimes think that those turtles are Evil 
Spirits, that haunt ponds and marshes, in the same way as bad men 
tun up and down the world with wicked designs. That fellow^s 
like a watchman in his box that I've heard tell of in the city! he 
sees every body, but no one (unless the Great Jehovah) can see the 
Workings and twistings of his ugly face in his shell. I believe that 
vile turtle yonder is Satan," concluded Will, his eyes gleaming with 
a supernatural light, and his frame trembling with some sudden 
fear suggested by the allusion, " for I saw him snap a poor sinner 
of a fly in his jaws; and now see he's going to bear him down with 
him to hell — to hell — to hell." And poor Robin mumbled the last 
phrase over and over as the turtle glided slowly from the rock and 
disappeared. — About sunset they returned home, and loosed the 
black nag in the woods from which they had taken him. 

The next morning, just after breakfast, a man about forty-five 
years of age presented himself at the door in a brown, quaker-cut 
coat, low shoes, and a pair of loose, grey pantaloons, that flaunted 
about his ankles. Furthermore, he had a short nose and a broad* 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 33 

brimmed hat, from underneath which a stiff, bristling shock of hair 
spread out over his coat-collar like the tail of a young wren. 

" A good morning to thee my friend," said this personage, through 
his short organ, " and a very good morning to thee my young friend, 
after that pleasant ride of thine on the Lord's day, and on a stolen 
horse !" 

These latter words were more particularly addressed to our friend 
Solomon, who sate on a bench at the feet of the old people; his 
grandfather and grandmother. Clarion blushed, and the old people 
turned pale at the heinous and diabolical charge. They were so 
completely astounded that they sate silent. 

" My young friend," continued Mr. Bloom, giving a not very 
amicable look at Solomon, " I'll tell thee what, I will not put thee 
in the White Plains' jail this time, but I will give thee some whole- 
some advice," perhaps Sol. Clarion would have chosen the jail 
rather than the advice, but friend Bloom gave him no option, and 
proceeded, " abandon that crack-brain William Robin to his fate ; 
go to thy school many more times than thou dost ; spend thy holi- 
days nearer at home, and ride not my black mare to the Pond with- 
out my permission." He then addressed a solemn chapter of advice 
and admonition to Sol's, grandfather and grandmother, and wiping 
the corner of his mouth with his coat-sleeve, placidly disappeared 
through the same door that introduced him to the reader. 

Such are the early incidents of our adventurer's history. 

Solomon Clarion was now fast verging toward manhood. In a 
few days he would be entitled, (besides a moderate sum of ready 
money,) to enter upon, whatever right he possessed in a small cantle 
of property, (three or four acres with a house,) that his mother had 
bequeathed to him. The present situation of that property was 
this ; an uncle of Solomon's had purchased or paid a mortgage upon 
it given by Mrs. Clarion, and taken possession and enjoyed it ever 
since her death, upon that barren title. Possession he still main- 
tained, and refused to hold any conversation with young Clarion on 
the subject. A neighbouring farmer into whose land the acres in 
question made an awkward elbow was anxious to buy Solomon's 
title, and dispossess the unlawful occupant. In this perplexity, Sol. 
thought he would have recourse to a legal gentleman, whom he had 
heard Will Robin often mention. This was Lawyer Doublet, a 
strange, old man, some fourscore years old, who lived upon the 

No XL 5 



34 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

road not far from the city of Peth : and upon him he resolved iO 
call. 

Accordingly one morning about a week before his minority ex- 
pired, Solomon set out, in company with Will, for the residence of 
Counsellor Peter Doublet. In a short time they reached an an- 
cient-looking stone house, and, poor Robin knocking at the door 
and inquiring for the legal genius of the place, they were ushered 
up stairs; and here. Clarion was introduced by his friend Will to 
Lawyer Doublet, and was particularly struck with his appearance. 
As that venerable advocate rose and came forward, with a very 
graceful bow to welcome them, he presented to Sol's, eye a well- 
preserved model of mortahty, with a flowing white wig, like -that in 
the portraits of Sir Isaac Newton, curling over his shoulders; a 
black velvet coat with silver buttons, and skirts stiffened with buck- 
tam, covering a very moderate set of limbs; a scarlet vest beneath 
the same ; a set of white small clothes joining black silk hose, and 
shoes with huge silver buckles. 

The personal history of this antique-looking member of the bar 
dwelt under a haze of considerable obscurity. It was rumoured 
that he had taken an active part on the royalist side during the re- 
volutionary war, and now lived upon a pension which he received 
from the king's coffers. He still preserved and strictly maintained 
the vesture and habits of the last century, and obstinately refused to 
lay aside the smallest tittle or thread of his dress, or to abate a 
single jot of the severity of ancient manners. In truth he was a 
creature of past times. The best part of his life had lain in the 
eighteenth century, and he was, in a manner, a trespasser upon the 
territory of the nineteenth. All his thoughts and feelings dated 
back forty years. He saw every object through time's telescope 
inverted. The books that he read and quoted, the cogitations that 
he cogitated, the opinions he delivered were all musty with age. 

The apartment into which Clarion had been introduced was in 
character with its curious proprietor. From the windows hung 
old, damask curtains, with gold-lace borders, which permitted a 
mild twilight to creep through the room, part of which fell upon an 
ancient case of books, fastened against the opposite wall. Every 
volume was black with years. Behind a little, low table strown 
with pieces of parchment, silver-hilted pens, and curious old pipes 
and snuff-boxes, stood a hio-h*backed chair with a red-leather cush- 



tHE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLAItlON 35 

ion, ornamented with a pair of raised cock-pheasants fighting a 
duel under an oak branch similarly executed, and striving to pick 
each other's eyes out : a very happy illustration of the benefits of 
sprightly litigation ! 

When the whole party was seated, Sol. Clarion briefly opened 
his case, and stated his strong desire to sell the land to Farmer 
Bull) who had offered a fair price : mentioning at the same time 
Farmer Bull's reluctance to pay a very large sum for making and 
drawing the deed, and his own unwillingness to become a party to 
an ejectment suit against his uncle, 

" I see the remedy Mr. Clarion," said Lawyer Doublet, rising 
under considerable excitement, and pacing to and fro between his 
high-backed chair and the window. " I see it Sir, as clear as a plea 
in chancery with twelve branches !" 

" And pray what is it, if you please Sir ?" asked Solomon, in 
breathless expectation. 

" Nothing less Sir than livery of seisin !" and he looked earn- 
estly into Clarion's face, expecting no doubt to see it brighten with 
joy at this fortunate and profound suggestion. 

" Will that cost much?" inquired Sol. Clarion. 

" No, Sir : a mere trifle. It is the cheapest, and plainest, and 
wisest, and noblest, and finest, &c., &c., process ever devised by 
brain of man, for conveyance of lands ! — If I knew the author of it 
my young friend, I would plant his bust up there, and you, my good 
old king," (addressing himself to a bronze head of George IL., 
standing on the top of his book case,) " you would have to tramp ! 
' when the sage comes up the king goes down,' Mr. Clarion, as the 
Baker's broadside of 1790 hath it." 

" Yes," humbly suggested poor Will, " * and ten to one both have 
a cracked crown ;' your sage addles his in attempting to stuff it too 
full of reading, and your king breaks his in attempting to stretch it 
larger!" and Will burst into a hearty laugh while Sol. Clarion 
smiled. 

This sally however was not quite so well received by Counsel- 
lor Doublet, who assumed his most portentous look of professional 
consequence, and thrusting his hands into his hinder coat-pockets, 
strided up and down the room rebuking the unfortunate Robin for 
his audacity in trying wits with Peter Doublet, Esquire, Counsel- 
lor, who had Touchstone at his finger's endy and was so profoimdly 



96 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

read in the Twelve Tables, as lo sometimes believe himself to have 
been one of the framers of the same. 

Will most humbly apologized, (Clarion aiding him,) and they re- 
lapsed into business. 

" I will prepare the papers that are necessary between yourself 
Mr. Clarion and Mr. Obed Bull," continued Counsellor Doublet, 
■with more gravity and weight of manner than he had at first ex- 
hibited, " and next Wednesday, (I think Tuesday is your twenty- 
first birth day, Mr. Clarion;" Clarion nodded acknowledgment,) 
" next Wednesday morning we will ride to the property, myself 
and you Mr. Clarion, and Mr. Bull ; and this poor creature may go 
with us; perhaps he may minister some trifling service: and there 
we will deliver possession by livery of seisin under the old law, 
(the d — 1 taking if he please, lease and release, and such modern 
traps and tricks of petifoggers)." 

An hour was named for the parties to assemble at the house of 
Lawyer Doublet; Clarion and Will Robin arose to depart, and with 
them rose the Counsellor himself, and opening the door, he heralded 
the way down stairs, unfastened the front-door, and, standing un- 
covered upon the stone porch, he bowed twice or thrice, and cere- 
moniously bade Solomon Clarion, " a good day — with God's 
blessing!" 

Promptly at the appointed hour Sol. Clarion on a bright bay 
horse, borrowed from a neighbour, and Foohsh Will Robin on a 
rough colt, obtained in a similar manner, wheeled up to the door of 
Lawyer Doublet. In a short time tlie Counsellor came forth, 
dressed as we have described him, with the additional personal or- 
naments of a sword at his side, with a silver hilt, a cocked hat, 
fringed with gold lace, on his head, and a blue bag containing his 
papers and documents under his arm. As he stepped from the 
porch, a high, raw-boned steed of a mixed sorrel complexion was 
brought up, tricked out in an antique martingale, old double bits; a 
horse-cover in the style of the revolution, and a saddle about fifty 
years old. With the aid of Foolish Will, Counselloi Doublet, (ha- 
ving carefully attached the blue bag to the sadd'.e-bows,) mounted 
into the broad shovel stirrups, and, being in a few minutes joined 
by Mr. Obed Bull, in a buff coat, the party set out for the scene of 
action, which was about three miles up the road. They formed a 
gallant spectacle for the dames of King street, as they galloped 



i 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 37 



along. Almost each moment a liead was thrust out from som 
shrewd post of observation, and some new face broadened with 
wonder at beholding Counsellor Doublet riding between Bull and 
Clarion, the representative and memento of times that they had 
heard grandsires and old women only speak of. The rustics in the 
field paused in their labour, and leaned upon their rakes or plough- 
tails to gaze with dilating eyes. The horses turned their heads in 
the furrow and stared. The oxen licked their hairy cheeks m ad- 
miration; and it was said, with some show of truth, that a tin 
pigeon, acting as weathercock on Farmer Barley's farm, wheeled 
about on its pivot, in spite of the wind, and rolled its painted eye- 
balls and shook its painted tail in wonder and astonishment. 

It was a glorious day in mid-August; serene, tranquil, beautiful. 
The sky was without spot or wrinkle of cloud, on its clear, blue 
surface. On each side of the road tall pear trees stood, swarming with 
rich, ripe fruit; near every house lay an orchard enamelled with count- 
less coloured apples, red, green, damask, yellow and white, of every 
kind. In one field that they passed, half a dozen fresh looking 
countrymen were at work laying the stout grass upon the ground* 
like files of proud soldier?, gay with green feathers Haunting in the 
wind in the morning, at eve to be dry and withered. In a neigh- 
bouring meadow a sportsman in a fustian hunting-coat, and white 
hat, with shot-pouch, powder-flask and gun, was creeping along 
the fence to obtain a shot at a meadow lark sitting on a rock in the 
middle of the meadow. He steals closer and closer. In a moment 
the merry-maker of the skies will lie stretched on the cold stone. 
Peal-it ! peal-it ! peal-it ! is the sound issuing from a stout throat 
in yonder tree. It is the cry of a sentinel lark, and that is his 
watch tower. His winged brother takes notice, and in a twinkling 
curves far along the air, beyond the reach of gun or sportsman. 

Away the four horsemen gallop ; Will Robin dropping a httle in 
the rear, to dismount and catch a woodchuck, which was perambu- 
lating a fence by way of exercise, after a hearty meal of clover. 

This enterprize is nipped in the bud by Sol. Clarion's falling back 
with poor Robin, and asking, what he was slipping out of his 
saddle for? 

" It's our duty, Master Sol. to look after the belly," said Will, 
" and I was thinking that woo'chuck which has nothing to do, now 
that he's taken his breakfast, but to be cooked, would make a nice 
pie for supper when we got home." 



38 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Foolish Will's anxiety about provender was very soon allayed, 
by Clarion's announcing to him that they expected to dine at Far- 
mer Bull's as they returned, and that a fat young turkey was in 
preparation. Will's eye sparkled at the savory announcement, and 
they speedily regained their places in the cavalcade. 

On a scaffold in front of a weather-beaten, yellow farm-house, 
which they passed, a gay party of travelling carpenters were at 
work. There is something charming to the fancy in the stroll- 
ing life of these country Chips. They ramble about pleasant 
villages and country places — your only modern Amphions and 
Troubadours — singing their cheerful catches, and building as 
they sing. Half a dozen choice journeymen cluster together, 
and form a merry crew, plying the chisel and mallet in ru- 
ral neighbourhoods ; repairing, like these, some time worn farm- 
house, or raising up in more bustling parts, a snug cottage to be 
the harbour of happy spirits, for many blooming and fragrant years 
or, like a flock of piping swallows, chirping about a breach in the 
roof of some venerable old church. Now and then bandying a jest 
with the plump kitchen-wench, (it matters not whether she be black 
or while — they will have their joke!) or indulging a sly inuendo 
among themselves at the expense of the blushing, young married 
couple, whose home they are finishing. Everywhere too they are 
regaled with grateful viands — healthful breakfasts — hearty dinners— • 
genial suppers; "we must have something good," says the house- 
wife, " for to-morrow the carpenters are coming !" 

Shortly after they had passed this jovial company of workmen, 
they reached a small wooden house, with a dry, dull aspect, as if 
it had been pelted with all the winds and weathers of half a centu- 
ry, without the defence of paint or colour of any kind. It stood 
upon a knoll facing the north, and had a solitary, lonely appearance 
as they came upon it. In front was a small court-yard, (with barn- 
yard, and poultry-yard, blended with it,) and tying their horses 
to the rough bar-fence that surrounded it, they all dismounted, and 
entered a clumsy gate, which opened into the enclosure, except 
Foolish Will, who under a direction from Counsellor Peter, scam- 
pered off up the road. The Counsellor then unhooked his blue bag 
from its place at the saddle-bows, and hugging it under his right 
arm, marched with great solemnity up to the door of the house, ac- 
companied by Bull in a buff coat, and Clarion in green pantaloons. 
Here he planted himself upon the steps leading to the same, and 



I 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 39 

laying down his cocked hat and blue bag, with great dehberation 
upon a neighbouring bench, he stood erect and surveyed the three 
acres and a half of arable land to be conveyed to Obed Bull, farmer, 
with monstrous complacency and inward satisfaction. In a few 
minutes Will Robin came dashing down the highway with great 
expedition and heat, and announced to Counsellor Doublet, " that 
none was to be got !" meaning that he could obtain no persons to 
attend the important ceremonies about to take place, as witnesses, 
'' Then off your horse," cried out Mr. Peter Doublet in an ectasy 
of authority, " blow this vile tin horn! — that will make our proceed^ 
ings public — and, perhaps, answer as well !" At this behest Fool^ 
ish Will dismounted, and seizing the abject piece of metal, sounded 
a dozen or two of round blasts; and in answer one lazy looking 
young negro was brought out of the fields, (mistaking it innocently 
for the dimier blast, although it was now only about ten in the 
morning !) and a limping old farmer from across the way, who came 
hobbling into the yard, staring at Lawyer Doublet, as if he had 
been a genuine phantom in a velvet coat, flowing wig, and white 
small-clothes. Fortunately there was no one in the house, or they 
would have been brought down upon the party in a twinkling, by 
this uproarious summons; the barbarous uncle of Clarion being 
some distance down the road helping a farmer get in his hay, and 
the lazy looking negro boy alone having charge in his absence, 
" Now we will proceed to livery of seisin ! as settled in Madox and 
Craig," said Peter Doublet fumbling in his blue bag, " and first, I 
will read in the presence of these many good witnesses the war-? 
rant of attorney, whereby I am empowered to fulfil feoffment of this 
house and land." And saying this, he recited in a good old-man's 
voice the contents of a paper which he had disintered from its 
azure sepulchre, containing power, authority, warrant, &c., to 
convey said house and land in the name and stead of Solomon 
Clarion, of the city of Peth, to Obed Bull of King street. And 
then, drawing forth a second paper from the same blue receptacle, 
he proceeded to declare the contents thereof, describing the tene- 
ment with all the appurtenances, standing thus and thus, and the 
lands belonging to the same, running with this brook, and under 
that tree, with a white flint-stone at its extreme corner. 

He then said descending from his elevation, " neighbours and 
witnesses ! leave these grounds, while I do deliver seisin and pos- 
session of the same to worthy Obed Bull !" and, after they had re- 



40 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

tired into the road, and stood looking over the fence, at the further 
progress of this interesting ceremony, he continued, plucking up a 
huge clod in his hand, " Mr. Obed Bull, I do hereby in the name 
and by the authority and attorney's warrant of Solomon Clarion, 
deliver to thee seisin and possession of these lands, and all rights 
thereto appertaining, as described in the within deed." 

At this precise stage of their proceedings, Mr. Uriah Bloom the 
short-nosed quaker, chanced that way on a rusty, grey nag, and 
wheeling up to the fence, turned about in his saddle, with a face won- 
derfully full of a magnanimous pity, and portentous of a very 
speedy discharge of comment and denunciation. 

" Why friend Obed Bull," said he, through his short organ, " I 
did not truly expect to see thee, a man of much worldly sense and 
uprightness, engaged in this heathenish folly, with that old white- 
wigged, silly-pated tory, Peter Doublet! Thou knewest better, 
Obed, thou knewest better! But I will leave thee to thine own 
practices, and punishments sequent thereon !" Saying this he turn- 
ed and cantered at considerable speed on his journey down the road. 
Not more than five minutes had elapsed before the broad-brimmed 
hat and short nose of the quaker again came in view, hurrying back 
with an additional rider behind him on the rusty, grey nag. When 
the face of this new actor made itself visible, it struck considerable 
alarm into the bosom of Will Robin, and Mr. Solomon Clarion. 
It was the barbarous uncle. The approaching steed, thus doubly 
freighted, was however hidden by the house from the gaze of Mr. 
Obed Bull and Counsellor Doublet; which latter worthy was 
proceeding with great vigour in the process of livery of seisin. 

He had again mounted the stone steps, searched the house to 
find whether it was wholly empty, and fit for delivery, and laying 
his hand upon the iron hasp of the door, exclaimed, " I do hereby 
in the name and by the warrant of Solomon Clarion, deliver to thee 
Obed Bull, seisin and possession of this house and all unto it that 
appertains ! Enter into this tenement and God give thee joy of it." 
At that moment a large red rooster who had stood a long time upon 
the barn-yard fence, in patient expectation of a hearing, and who 
seemed inclined to perform the part of clerk in these services, 
opened his throat and made the responses to Counsellor Doublet, 
in a clear, audible voice: Mr. Obed Bull seized the hasp, opened 
the door, and had just thrust his foreleg across the threshold to 
enter, when, lo ! he was met full in the face by the barbarous uncle, 







Tuye- 4-1 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 4l 

(unlawful occupant of the prenaises,) with a stout oak cudgel in his 
hand, who dealt the said Obed Bull, donee, &c., several very- 
hearty tokens of admiration of the conduct he had pursued in pur- 
chasing said land, and obtaining livery of seisin as aforesaid. " I'll 
give your liver-a' seasoning — you lout!" cried the barbarous uncle, 
as he plied the flail. " I'll mark your title down in black and white !" 
and he dealt him a sore blow over the bridge of the nose. By this 
time Mr. Obed Bull had evaded the cudgel, and the next object 
that fell into the clutches of the barbarous uncle was Peter Doublet, 
Esquire, who in consequence of his age, was not ribroasted and 
bastinadoed after the fashion of Mr. Bull, but was taken by the 
collar of his velvet coat, and quietly kicked through the garden- 
gate into the road. Meanwhile Friend Bloom had found his way 
silently into the front room of the tenement, and half opening a 
window shutter, looked cautiously on the scene; his short nose and 
broad-brimmed hat being skilfully concealed in the shadow of the 
shutter. The barbarous uncle tossed Doublet's gold-laced cocked 
hat over the fence, with the blue bag. The Counsellor picking up 
the former, and placing it upon his head, and Foolish Will gather- 
ing the scattered papers and parchments and thrusting them into 
the latter, the party mounted their horses, (Mr. Bull with great dif- 
ficulty,) and turned their heads expeditiously homeward. They had 
not travelled far, however, in this direction, before they slightly 
slackened their pace, and Mr, Peter Doublet muttered, '' by the 
head of King George, and the Pandects of Justinian ! Mr. Clarion, 
ni have revenge and satisfaction, on that scurvy uncle of thine be- 
fore the week wanes ! Yea will I !" (and he struck his sorrel a 
smart blow across the foreshoulder,) " I'll to the Supreme Court 
of Justice at once, and attach him with a mandamus writ of privi- 
lege !" The little Lawyer hereupon lifted his cocked hat from his 
head, and, carefully shaking the dust from its border, replaced it, 
with an air of much dignity, in its original position. Then turning 
upon Sol. Clarion, he asked in a tone of surprise, as if it had just 
crossed his mind, " Why Mr. Clarion didst thou not come to our 
rescue ? being young and strong sinewed we might justly look for 
aidment and reinforcement from thee !" 

To this Solomon simply replied, " that however much he might 
dislike his uncle, he was unwilling to come to blows with his 
mother's brother." 

No II. 6 



42 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

At length Foolish Will rode up to the side of Sol. Clarion, and 
the conversation took a new channel. 

" I'm getting tired of this region of country," said Foolish Will, 
"the people about here are growing cold hearted towards poor Will; 
and poor Will's getting to be a man," sitting bolt upright in his 
saddle, " and must go travel and make voyages and see a little of 
the world ? W^hat say you Master Solomon, Will Robin leaves you 
to-morrow, and perhaps for ever !" At this announcement the inno- 
cent creature shed a tear upon the mane of his rough colt, and 
stretched out his left hand toward Sol. Clarion; and Sol. Clarion 
bringing his horse close to his side grasped it warmly with his own, 
and said, while tears gushed to his eyes, " Never! Will, never! — 
Though I am robbed of my rights — there's yet enough left for us 
both ; and, Will Robin, long as the world lasts, though all the world 
else may turn you from their hearts and hearths, there's always a 
warm corner for you here !" And Sol. Clarion in the genuine 
honesty of nature, struck his hand upon his bosom. " But whither 
did you purpose to go, Will !" said he, mastering his emotion, and 
resuming the discourse, while he looked earnestly in the face of 
Foolish Will for a reply. 

" I thought," responded Will, " I would take the coach for New 
York; and see if 1 could find anybody in that big city, which I've 
heard tell sw^arms w^ith people just like a hive in summer, that look- 
ed like Will Robin ; all the folks in these parts despise the poor 
vagrant !" 

" Why Will," replied Sol. Clarion, " I am going to the City my- 
self to-morrow ; will you bear me company/" 

" I will, I will !" exclaimed that worthy, greatly excited and al- 
most jumping out of his saddle with the violence of his delight. 

" To-night then pack up our garments in the old portmanteau; 
yours Will in one end, mine in the other, and we'll take the stage 
with the first cock that crows !" 

" Yes !" said Will, still in an ecstasy of enjoyment at the brilliant 
prospect of travel, " and I'll go to York, in a new dress ; something 
fine. I guess it will astonish the natives." Hereupon Will dis- 
charged a heavy peal of laughter, and at that moment they found 
themselves in the renowned city of Peth, at the door of Sol. Clari- 
on's home; those twin martyrs, Mr, Bull and Counsellor Doublet, 
having in the meantime galloped down the road and out of sight, 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 43 

The next morning Will Robin was awake with the dawn ; and the 
sun had no sooner exhibited his jolly face from his eastern tippling 
shop, than Will Robin's corresponding feature shone through the 
portals of Sol. Clarion's dwelling, upon the whole subjacent region. 
Will was all smiles and complacency; bustling from spot to spot; 
now taking up the dinner horn and blowing an idle blast and laying it 
down again ; now dashing into the house to obtain some trifling com- 
modity, and again bursting through the door into the open air, to stuff 
it into the capacious portmanteau. At the hour when the stage arri' 
ved Foolish Will presented himself as a passenger, tricked out in a 
short brown coat, with something of the quaker lurking about the 
collar, though it had altogether fled from the skirts, which were 
swallow-tailed; close homespun pantaloons ; a monstrous pair of 
jack-boots, borrowed from Sol. Clarion's grandfather, and upon his 
head, a sugar loaf, white felt hat, picked up in some random pil 
grimage to the garret of Counsellor Doublet. Sol. Clarion, who 
lingered behind Will Robin, having affectionately parted with his 
grand-parents, and received God-speed, came forth modestly attired 
in a plain, country made black hat, a dark blue coat with metal 
buttons, and other parts of dress to correspond. They both took 
up their position on a high back seat, outside, which overlooked the 
whole vehicle, turned their faces for a last look at the old home- 
stead; the driver cracked his whip; the stage whirled off, and, in 
a moment the city of Peth and all that it held was lost from their 
gaze. 

They had not travelled far down the turnpike before a new and 
unexpected object arrested their progress. This was nothing less 
than that learned and sagacious legal authority Peter Doublet, 
clad in his black velvet coat, white small clothes, and gold- 
laced cocked hat, with his sword at his side, three or four musty 
volumes tinder one arm, and under the other the portentous blue 
bag, with an appearance of unusual rotundity and repletion. Sol. 
Clarion was not a little surprised at this apparition, at this peculiar 
time, particularly as Mr. Doublet exclaimed to the driver, " I will 
take a seat Sir, with my friends on the outside ; more especially as 
I shall need their services when I get into town, and wish, therefore 
to keep my eye upon them!" Saying this he passed his three dull- 
looking volumes and well stuffed blue bag up to Will, and very 
speedily mounted after them, into the third seat in the rear. 

" How is this Counsellor Doublet ?" asked Sol. Clarion, shaking 



44 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

him by the hand, as the mail-stage again started off. " Whither 
are you travelHng, Mr. Doublet, if I may put so bold a question ?'' 

" I am travelling Mr. Clarion," replied the Counsellor, solemnly, 
" in quest of my lost professional honour. Yesterday morning I 
had it — this morning I awoke and where was it? Where was it?'* 
he asked again, lifting his voice as if addressing a jury. " You ask 
me, Sir, whither I travel ? I journey to the city of New York to 
obtain a mandamus writ of privilege, as an officer of the court !'' 
With this answer to Clarion's interrogatory. Lawyer Doublet sunk 
into a dignified silence, which was steadily preserved for almost the 
entire remainder of the journey. Onward the stage-coach rolled, here 
disgorging a heavy leather bag, filled with letters, like the moon that 
planetary night-coach, discharging aereolites, pleasant missives of her 
goddesship ; there taking up a chance passenger, and again rumbling 
on its way for miles without pause or diversion, unless the hui' 
ling of a brow^n paper parcel, or some other slight token, irom 
friends up the road, like a bomb, into an open door or window be so 
considered. In this way they rolled down into the pleasant village 
of Rye, and through that Huguenot stronghold New Rochelle, taking 
a bird's eye view of Mamaroneck, Pelham, and sundry other towns 
and hamlets as they glanced along. 

Ever and anon Will Robin enlivened the journey by carolhng 
forth fragments of rare and reverend ditties, such as; " As I walked 
forth in a morning in the month of May," or, imparting to his selec- 
tions an air of greater sententiousness and profundity, as in the fol- 
lowing scrap of shrewd rhyme : 

" A man of words and not of deeds, 
Is like a garden full of weeds : 
And when the weeds begin to grow, 
He's like a garden full of snow, &c. 

At Eastchester, a spruce, spare man in a fur tap, with 
a large white cauliflower stuck in the button hole of a purple 
frock coat, and a slate coloured game cock under his left arm, came 
forth. There was something peculiarly queer and quizzical about 
this person's nose and mouth ; a playful smile that rippled about 
the corners of the latter feature, like a rivulet with the sun shining 
on its surface, and a red glow hovering over the tip of the former, 
which seemed to be the humorous smile lingering above its birth- 
place, before it disappeared from the odd, little countenance forever. 

The spruce, spare man was a new passenger, who seeing the 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 45 

single vacancy, in the high outside occupied by Doublet, Clarion 
and Will, said " I'll take that seat, driver, as I'd like to make an 
observation or two on Nature as we go along. P'raps, gentlemen," 
turning to the worthy trio, " it'll not be inconvenient to have some 
pleasant conversation on natural wonders and such like as we travel. 
Besides, young Joseph," affectionately ogling his game cock with 
one eye, and a brace of young ladies within the stage-coach with 
the other, as he mounted into his seat, " might be inclined to play 
the physician inside there, and draw blood from the hands of those 
fair creatures without being reg'larly called in !" 

At this sally the indescribable smile kindled about the mouth of 
the spruce passenger — the corresponding glow lit up the extremity 
of his nose, and patting the slate-coloured creature under his arm 
kindly on his crest — he sate for a moment intensely silent. 

" Gentlemen," said he, warming into a fine flow of talk as the 
stage-coach rattled on, " the sooner we're known to each other the 
better. My name," bowing at each branch of the announcement to 
one of the King street travellers, " my name is Paul Hyaena Pat- 
chell ; but you'll oblige me when you call upon me — for I intend to 
invite you all to my house before we part — by inquiring for P. Hy- 
aena Patchell. I prefer that style, as you'll perceive it's more fe-^ 
rocious, and better suited for the keeper of a wild beast show, and 
the greatest collection of natural wonders now extant in the four 
quarters ! I have been," continued the smart showman, " scouring 
the country for a five legged calf to complete my collection, or a cow 
with the horns growing upon her flanks ! Confound the stupid 
creatures, they put me out. I couldn't as much as find one with 
even a moderate swelling to pass for a dromedary. Nevertheless 
Tve met with a little success," brushing down the feathers of young 
Joseph cautiously, " gentlemen, I have picked up a game cock with 
a face just like General Jackson. " See !" holding up the slate- 
coloured bird, " every line's distinct — here's the warlike nose, the 
warrior eye, and" at this moment one of the legs of the interesting 
creature sHpped from his hand, and dashed two thirds of a spur into 
the smart showman's wrist, who exclaimed, smiling faintly, " by 
the Bengal lion the general has just drawn his sword !" The con- 
versation of the showman had been sustained in so high a pitch of 
voice as to be generally overheard, and a loud roar of laughter shook 
the mail-stage as he uttered this last remark. 

" Can you tell me, Sir, as you seem to be summ'at of a philoso- 



46 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

pher, why horses aren't born asses ?" asked Foolish Will, of the 
smart showman. On the latter gentleman's expressing a doubt of 
his ability to accommodate Mr. Robin with an answer, Will 
repliedj " It's mainly Sir, for the want of ears !" And the smart 
showman fell into a thoughtful silence of several minutes duration. 

They were now rattling over Harlsem bridge. The smart 
showman had again opened the floodgate of discourse, and a vast 
deal of good converstition passed between him and Will Robin on 
the subject of natural wonders ; a mermaid with bowels of straw, 
belonging to him, that had been ' burnt out' one night by an acci- 
dental spark falling upon her tail ; a famous Bengal lion, in his 
show, with the finest mouth of any animal of that species in Chris- 
tendom ; all of which, closed with the observation that he thought 
that the arrival of the general would create a great excitement in 
town, and a fervent invitation for Will and his friend Mr. Clarion, 
to call at 9|- Bowery, and see his collection. 

Meantime, Clarion and Doublet were silent, until they came 
opposite Gallows hill, where an execution was taking place at that 
very time, and as Doublet beheld the poor victim dangling in the 
last agonies, he exclaimed — " My God ! what sight is yonder !— 
A man by the neck ! If man," continued the Counsellor, after 
a thoughtful pause — " If man were a poor dried pear or salted 
flitch of bacon, it would beseem well enough. It is bad enough to 
hang wolves and weasels, and other carrion. What a contempt 
must I have for my humanity, my young Sir, when I see a part of 
it strung up yonder like a bunch of foul garlic or hetc'helled flax !" 
These observations on the part of Mr. Doublet were very sensible 
and true-spirited, and if he had ended there he would have deserved 
the name of a sober and thinking man, but in a moment he added, 
" Would to Heaven ! Mr. Clarion, our law-makers might re-estab- 
lish the noble trial by combat !" The erudition of the smart show- 
man was here sadly at fault and he was obliged to put two or 
three questions as to the character of this process, to Sol. Clarion, 
who replied that it was "a method of settling murders wherein the 
party accused of the homicide fell pell-mell with bare fists, case knife 
or other convenient weapon upon the next of kin to the deceased, and 
the next of kin fell pell-mell in a similar manner upon the party 
accused, and they belaboured and thrust at each other until one or 
the other's business accounts with this world were finally closed up 
and ledgered, and the party thus disposed of was held to have been 



THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION. 47 

altogether in the wrong ; and thus you see" concluded Solomon, 
" the whole matter was settled without the expense of rope, judge 
or jury ; sheriff, gallows-tree or new breeches and bonnet to see the 
hanging in : the surviving combatant was fully satisfied, and the 
dead man never walked the earth at unseasonable hours !" 

By the time this judicious explanation was ended the coach had 
halted opposite a pleasant yellow house with a slim round cupola 
stuck on its roof like a high-crowned Dutch liat, and a back door 
with a portico looking out into a cheerful graveyard. " I think this 
is the house," said Sol. Clarion to the driver, and a meagre friend 
of the driver's jumped from the box, knocked at the door and inquired 
if Doctor Nicholas Grim hved there? At this a pretty, blushing 
face was thrust out of a second story window, smiled softly at 
Solomon, and replied that he did, and disappeared in great haste. 
Sol. Clarion and Will Robin, now dismounted, the former urging 
Counsellor Doublet to jom them, who steadily refused, saying he 
must look after his mandamus at once ; the smart showman bowed 
and smirked, and set his slate-coloured game cock a-crowing — the 
driver cracked his whip over the ear of his near leader, and the 
stage coach whirled away. In a moment the door of the yellow 
house opened, and a healthy, fat man in a suit of black broadcloth, 
projected himself headlong almost into the arms of Sol. Clarion, 
exclaiming " My dear Sol. — is this you ! I am heartily glad to see 
you ! This is better than a new patient or even a consultation at the 
rich widow's. Why Sol. ! my dear fellow," shaking him by the hand 
again at arms' length, " you'look pale ; a little fever occasioned by 
riding in the wind. Come in ! come in !" putting one arm about 
his waist and motioning towards the door, " oh ! here's your cousin 
Grace !" At this the proprietor of the pretty blushing face that was 
thrust out of the second story window came forward from behind a 
white pocket handkerchief, and extended her hand to Sol. Clarion^ 
who received it with a similar demonstration, exclaiming (as he gave 
it a gentle pressure) " Ah ! Grace, you didn't visit poor Peth this 
year !" 

And she, smiling archly upon Mr. Clarion, replied, " Oh ! Sol. 
I am glad I did not; for I imagine it has brought you down!" 
Then, streaks of crimson and deep red flushed all over her neck and 
brow, as if she thought she had said more than it was proper for a 
maiden to say, and at the first opportunity she glided silently away 



48 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

leaving the discourse with Dr. Nicholas Grim and his worthy 
nephew. 

Six short months had rolled around from this period, and Sol. 
Clarion was domiciliated with his good hearted uncle, taking the 
place and fulfilling the duties of an apothecary, who had been his 
uncle's former assistant, and who had unfortunately died of the 
fumes of a new pill he was on the eve of discovering only a week 
before Sol. Clarion's arrival. That journey of Sol's, had been un- 
dertaken in consequence of a letter from Dr. Nicholas, warmly ten- 
dering the situation, and Sol. Clarion had accepted it on condi- 
tion that he should be allowed to bring Foolish Will with him, to 
serve prescriptions, use the pestle and mortar, and perform other 
simple services of a similar nature. Six pleasant months have 
slipped from the calendar, and now it becomes our duty, however 
painful, as faithful chroniclers, to open a strange and singular chap- 
ter in the history of the generous son of ^Esculapms, in whose house 
our adventurer has found a cheerful home. 



THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS GRIM. 

CONTAINING THE CONCLUSION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SOL. CLARION* 



Titty and Tiffin, Suckin 
And Pidgen, Liard, and Robin ! 
White spirits, black spirits, grey spirits, red spirits, 
Devil-toad, devil-ram, devilcat, and devil-dam, 
Why Hoppo and Stadlin, Hellwain and Puckle ! 

The Witch: a Tragi-Comedy, by Thos.Middleton. 

The pleasant yellow house of Dr. Nicholas Grim, with its slim, 
round cupola, stood in the skirts of the city. It was surrounded by 
a grassy door-yard, with a carriage gate opening into the road on 
one side, another gate leading into a well stocked garden in the rear, 
and a third, facing the northeast, giving access to an orchard which 
had been transformed into a place of burial. The dwelling with its 
appurtenances had formerly belonged to a dry, old curmudgeon, 
who had sold the fruit ground in question, for a handsome consider- 
ation, to an undertaker ; reserving to himself, his heirs and devisees, 
a privilege through the orchard gate. The study of Dr. Nicholas 
Grim looked directly forth upon this graveyard, and, recollecting 
that not a few of his own patients were slumbering there, it is sin- 
gular that the worthy practitioner had not chosen some other quar- 
ter of the building for his own use. Contemplating those Httle green 
hillocks and those pecuUar, square-cut stones, unpleasant thoughts 
might arise in the bosom of Dr. Grim ; particularly as it was hinted 
that the patients of Dr. Grim were allowed to enjoy the pleasure of 
that worthy Galen's acquaintance but a very short time after it was 
formed, and after he had administered his first prescription, and 
were forced by some urgent necessity to bid him an eternal fare- 
well, and take their departure, post haste, for another world. 

The truth is, that Dr. Nicholas, as fine hearted and jovial a man 

No III 7 



50 THE MOTLEY 6OOK. 

as ever lived,' was regarded by some people as an arrant quack and 
pretender. However this might be, Dr. Grim was, and boasted him^ 
self to be, the discoverer of that invaluable Catholicon — " The Pa- 
tent Pioneer Pill." The ingenious inventor of this wonderful me- 
dicine never asserted that it could raise a man from the dead, by be- 
ing administered to his corpse nine weeks after burial, nor that the 
cause of Methusalah's extraordinary longevity was the fact of his 
having taken a handful of the Patent Pioneer Pills in his coffee 
every morning at breakfast. But Dr. Nicholas Grim did profess 
that this astonishing pill could cure every shade and variety of dis- 
ease; and that in effecting a cure it had a mode of operation peculiar 
to itself. 

" The Patent Pioneer Pill," said the doctor one day to Sol. Cla- 
rion, with a grave and solemn face, in explanation of its properties, 
" descends into the stomach like an ordinary medical prescription 
or dose : when there, acted upon by the gastric juice, it loses its 
original shape and character and becomes metamorphosed into a 
small apothecary with a liard, granite complexion, that being, as 
you know, the original colour of the bolus, and a lilliputian medical 
scalpel or shovel in his hand. Armed with this instrument the little 
apothecary casts about the stomach to discover any impurities or 
obstructions that may there exist, and at once sets about removing 
them with said scalpel or shovel, into the great duct or canal — the 
rectum — which acting like a sewer carries it off. After having 
thus cleansed the grand chamber of the human body," continued 
Dr. Nicholas Grim, " the pill-apothecary commences travelling up 
the different alleys and by-ways of the system, fulfilling the part of 
a phi»lanthropic reformer wherever he travels; applying suitable re- 
medies while on the spot, (you see the advantages of this mode of 
practice, Solomon!) to scrofula, apoplexy, plethora, emaciation, 
dropsy, consumption, rheumatism and every other conceivable ma- 
lady. So that by administering this renowned pill," concluded Dr. 
Grim, " we in fact despatch a pocket physician as it were, a kind 
of deputy, where we are unable to attend in person," (here I must 
confess something of a sly smile crept over the features of the ce- 
lebrated inventor,) " on a tour of scientific investigation, through 
the human constitution; a miniature, medical Hercules to knock in 
the head any monster of a malady that dares to show itself. It was 
the proudest day of my life when I discovered the ingredients of 
the Patent Pioneer Pill !" 



•THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS GRIM. 61 

What was most singular notwithstanding the doctor's lucid and 
philosophical exposition of the character and operation of the Pa- 
tent Pioneer Pill, its reception into the human stomach, was, in 
nineteen cases out of twenty, followed, as I have before suggested, 
by the speedy transfer of the recipient from his own snug fireside 
and comfortable suit of broadcloth or homespun, to a cold basement 
without windows under ground, and a disagreeable mahogany or 
cherry overcoat, furnished by that tailor to the corpse, a sexton. 
In other words, a large majority of the patients of Dr. Nicholas 
Grim died upon his hands: so that his little apothecary with the 
granite complexion who travelled interior must, as Sol. Clarion in- 
sinuated, have very often lost his way ! 

Now opens that strange chapter in the history of the doctor to 
which we have referred. 

It was a pleasant, tranquil afternoon in the latter part of July* 
Over all the region within view of the white, round cupola of Dr. 
Grim, an unbroken silence hung. Within the house there was per- 
fect calm; Sol. Clarion and Grace Grim were gone to the city in 
the Doctor's gig, and their laughing dialogue and cheerful tread were 
not heard as was wont. Will Robin was out rambling along the 
river, practising that merry device of his, of catching shrimps with a 
shot bag. Without, whatever there was of life, by its motionless 
silence, added to the perfect quiet of the scene. In his stable stood 
a plump, sleek, bay coloured nag, quietly whisking his tail, while 
a mouse — noiseless as a Pythagorean disciple in the first years of 
his pupilage — was foraging about the edge of the door on a few oat 
grains that had fallen from an overstocked bin above. A mottled 
cat, in glossy condition, sate couchant upon the half-opened stable 
door, looking down with an air of sleepy indifference, upon the care- 
ful little plunderer. In the door-yard the grass waved slowly, 
swayed by the lazy wind that just buoyed a thistle-down in the 
air, and prevented its falling too swiftly to the earth. At a little 
distance from the house might be heard the feeble tinkling of a 
brook, that earned its channel through the hard soil by slight, but 
steady labour. The sun was just disappearing in the west, and 
Dr. Nicholas Grim sate in his leather-backed armchair, in his study, 
with his feet resting upon a stool covered with a soft cushion of 
lamb's wool, indulging in the after dinner reverie of a corpulent 
man. As the sun's last ray came in at the window, it cast the 
shadow of the doctor's enormous bulk upon the opposite wall, where 



5:^ THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

it assumed a new and fantastic appearance every moment, as the 
an-^ie at which llie sunlight entered the apartment, varied. Now, 
his protuberant paunch, was thrown into bold relief, like the moon 
thrustmg its portly front forth from a partial eclipse ; now, as one 
side of the coat was brought into the picture, resembling a huge 
ship of war with her fore-sail spread ; now the broad good natured 
countenance of the doctor was caricatured into a lion's head, or 
again into a long, thin, grotesque human face. Dusk crept in, 
and gave new touches to the picture; filling the room with odd 
shadows, and travestying the appearance and character of every ob- 
ject: a slim, wide-lipped vial, casting from the shelf upon the floor 
the likeness of a prim, tall quaker, with a broad-brim hat ; a little 
gallipot assuming upon the wall the counterfeit presentment of an 
oily Dutchman, with a peaked nose, while said nose was, or seemed 
to be, fastened upon by the shadowy fingers of a pair of tweesers, 
hung up by a string. In the centre of the apartment stood a stout, 
circular stand from which a number of long-necked bottles, filled 
with medical preparations, towered up surrounded by a swarm of 
small vials and pill-boxes — flanked with a bowl of jelly, near which 
a fat faced watch, with a heavy gold chain and seals, lay, and in- 
dolently ticked the time. In another quarter stood an old fashion- 
ed book case, over the top of which a plaster-of-Paris Galen, and 
^sculapius exhibited their dusty faces. The windows were hung 
with heavy curtains, and every other appointment of the room de- 
noted competency and comfort. Not many minutes after the twi- 
light had become tinged with the deeper colours of advancing night, 
a tread was heard in the hall — a muffled knock at the door, and as 
Dr. Grim exclaimed, " Come in !" the door opened slowly, a large 
man in stout boots, with a round-topped country hat entered, and 
bowing, with a smile, glided across the room, without any of that 
noise which might be expected to accompany the motion of so heavy 
a body, and silently took his station in an extreme corner, with his 
face turned toward Dr. Nicholas. The doctor recognized in this 
mysterious personage one of his own patients, and would have ta- 
ken him kindly by the hand, had he not remembered that he had 
buried him about twelve months before, A second muffled knock 
was heard at the door; and a bold-faced man in green spectacles, 
another patient of Dr. Grim's, entered, crossed the apartment, and 
took his station quietly beside the first. Again the ominous sound 
was repeated, and a man with an oval face, joined the others. Thi» 



THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS GRIM. 53 

third apparition left the door standing ajar, the mysterious, muffled 
knock was heard no more, but there glided in, without notice 
or warning, a stream of some dozen or twenty ghost-like personages, 
in each one of whom Dr. Grim, who was rapidly turning into a 
vast petrefaction, discovered some recent patient that had been 
shot down by that fatal ball, the Patent Pioneer Pill. Amongst 
others he recognised a dapper bank clerk, who had signalized him- 
self by having outlived double the number of that celebrated pre- 
paration of any person on record ; and, horrid spectacle ! — John Sim- 
ple his late apothecary ! What might be the purpose of this sin" 
gular and voluntary visit, Dr. Nicholas Grim had not sufficient sa- 
gacity to conjecture. In a short time however, the bank clerk and 
the apothecary laid their ghostly heads together, and after a few 
minutes consultation, the bank clerk drew from his pocket a scroll 
of paper, and pondered over it about a second, the spare apotheca- 
ry bustled about among the shadowy assembly and, at a nod from 
the bank clerk, the impudent man in green spectacles advanced 
from the throng. 

" I commend these to thee as fresh !" said the impudent man 
seizing Dr. Nicholas by the nose with one hand, and opening his 
mouth, and thrusting down the contents of a large pill box with the 
other. The impudent man then adjusted his green spectacles and 
fell back into his place. 

The nod of the bank clerk was repeated; and a personage built 
like a junk bottle, having a small head and long neck with a stout, 
round body and square shoulders — came forward and subjected the 
worthy physician to the identical operation of the impudent man 
in green glasses — and retired. 

Next a doughty brewer with an immense fist stalked forth, 
and crushing the pill box with which he was furnished between two 
fingers, he filled his huge palm with its contents, and poured them 
with an asseveration down the doctor's throat, as if he was using a 
barley scoop. 

" This must be dry work," said the first apparition that had en- 
tered, the large man in stout boots, and drawing from his side coat 
pocket a bottle of paregoric, he thrust the neck into the mouth of 
Dr. Grim, (who began to make awful contortions of face,) and giving 
the bottle a smart jerk, discharged the whole of the fluid into his 
stomach. 

" I think I'll bag the balls this time !'* said the fourth operator, 



54 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

who had been a noted billiard player, shooting the contents of an 
enormous box into the open mouth of Dr. Grim. 

" And I'll charge home !" said a fifth patient, formerly an artillery- 
man, stepping out as the billiard player drew back, placing the con- 
tents of a similar box upon the tongue of the inventor of the Patent 
Pioneer Pill, and forcing them with his fingers down the overchar- 
ged throat of the doctor. 

" What if I throw all the balls at once !" said a sixth, the keeper 
in his lifetime of a nine-pin alley, and he bowled a handful of pills 
by main force into the distended features of the terrified Dr, Grim. 

Then a modest little man came forward and, like the stout coun- 
tryman, moistened this dry provender with a second infusion of fluid 
from a bottle which he produced. 

At length the bank clerk ceased giving nods, thrust his scroll into 
his pocket, and came forward himself, his skirts stuffed out to an 
almost horizontal position by the materials that were crammed into 
them. 

" There's nothing like the Pioneer Pill, Dr. Grim !" said he with 
a horrid smirk upon his countenance, drawing from his pocket 
another of the awful chip boxes which disappeared in a trice, be- 
tween the jaws of Dr. Nicholas ; a second from the same source 
soon followed it ; a third, a fourth, a fifth. At length even the in- 
exhaustible pockets of the bank clerk were exhausted, and he turn- 
ed to the apothecary for a fresh supply, and that worthy handed 
over to him some dozen boxes more; the last two or three stuck 
in the throat of the doctor, and the bank clerk was obliged to give 
him a smart punch in the bowels to open his larynx. The bank 
clerk now, with large drops of sweat on his pale brow, drew back* 
and John Simple advanced, with a grave, doctorial air, to take his 
place. 

Baring the arm of Dr. Grim, he took him deliberately by the 
wrist, with thumb and finger, and gently feeling his pulse, said, 
" Dr. Nicholas, you appear to have something of a fever ; your 
face is flushed too, and there appears to be a slight flutter 
in the region of the heart. I am afraid you are suffering from re- 
pletion ; have you any nausea ?" To this question Dr. Grim in- 
voluntarily shook his head, and Mr. John Simple proceeded. " I 
think we had better send down a box or two of our Patent Pioneer 
Pills ; perhaps the little apothecary with his shovel may remove the 
obstruction or impurity,'* 




^^^ 






THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS GRIM. 55 

There was a gentle laugh among the assembled apparitions, and 
the same lively process of administering pills was carried into ef- 
fect as the bank clerk had practised, the latter gentleman taking the 
position formerly occupied by Mr. Simple, and handing out innu- 
merable boxes from some invisible reservoir. 

As box after box followed each other rapidly into the capacious 
stomach of Dr. Grim, he might have thought, if thought was per- 
mitted to his awe-stricken mind, " What the devil ! it can't be that 
that rascally apothecary, John Simple, is preparing the Patent Pio^ 
neer Pill, from my recipe, in the other place! — for exportation?" 

Each one of the shadowy party had now administered in turn to 
the terrified Grim ; and yet they seemed to think that the 
course was not quite complete, for huddHng about the stand in the 
centre of the room, each one seized upon vial, powder-paper, or 
long-necked bottle, and despatched its contents after the drugs and 
fluids that had already travelled down the free highway of Dr. 
Grim's throat. The bowl of calves'-feet jelly was however quaffed 
off at a draught by the doughty brewer himself. 

The apothecary, casting his eye upon the fat faced watch, ex- 
claimed, " our time is up !" and, resuming their places, they glided 
out of the apartment in the same order and with the same silent 
tread as they had entered. 

In a few minutes Foolish Will came in from practising his inge^ 
nious exploit by the river, and advancing cautiously into the study 
of Dr. Grim, he discovered that worthy practitioner with his feet 
spread out upon the floor, his hands clinging fast to the arms of his 
chair, and his face going through a series of singular and rapid 
changes, to which the rollicking motion of his whole body seemed 
to lend variety and vigour. Will Robin, as might be reasonably ex^ 
pected, thought that the doctor was playing off his countenance, in 
a sportive way, upon him, and unwilUng to be outdone in so capi. 
tal a diversion, he drew up a chair directly opposite Dr. Grim, and 
planting himself upon its edge, placed his hands upon his knees, 
and commenced reciprocating faces with that corpulent gentleman. 

Some of the doctor's exhibitions were however so entirely origi- 
nal and astonishing, that they put at defiance Will Robin's Hercule- 
an efforts to rival them; and the doctor rolled his eyeballs in a 
manner so picturesque and expressive as to render every attempt 
to imitate their movements utterly fruitless. To these numerous 
and inimitable divertisements the doctor now began to add certain 



5^ THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

indescribable motions of the hands, waving them in rapid curves 
toward the door, joining them significantly upon his stomach, and 
again brandishing both, first toward Will Robin, and then toward 
the hall. As they sate thus contemplating each other, and as Will 
began to suspect something more than amusement lay at the bot- 
tom of the matter, Sol. Clarion entered with his gig Avhip in his 
hand to greet the doctor, and communicate the result of his city 
visit, as to certain small messages that had been entrusted to him 
by Dr. Grim. As he drew near he discovered that something had 
gone wrong with the doctor in his absence, and instinctively seizing 
his pulse, and finding it to beat at an unusual rate, he begged the 
doctor to speak. But the doctor was silent as a stone. 

" For God's sake," exclaimed Grace Grim, rushing into the room 
at that moment, from a brief conversation with Will Robin in the 
hall, " For God's sake what is the matter with my father?" 

Dr. Grim smiled upon her faintly, but made no answer. He was 
carried to his bed, and there he lay sick for about two weeks, ar- 
ticulating not a word distinctly during that time, but mumbling over 
sometimes to himself, sometimes aloud, broken phrases from which 
the foregoing narrative was gathered. At the end of the time he 
died in an apoplectic fit, which seized him about mid-day. The 
third day after, he was buried, and the warm tears of two affection- 
ate and simple mourners at least, wet the sod upon his grave. 



And yet the world remains, although those whom we love and 
reverence are buried, and life must go on in its old courses after it 
has leaped the temporary obstruction — the pebble in its channel. 

Obeying this wise though seemingly selfish instinct some twelve 
months after the death of Dr. Nicholas Grim, two fair beings in the 
youth of life stood up hand in hand, and before them a reverend 
man in sable garments likewise stood, and he pronounced before 
them a solemn form of words and— they were man and wife. 

A week or two after his marriage with Grace Grim, Sol. Clarion 
received the following epistle by the hand of a country neighbour 
from the city of Peth, and as he perused it, he thought he heard 
each line ring with the peculiar nasal twang of its author. 



THE VISION OF DR. NICHOLAS QRIM. 67 

Greenwich, Connecticut. 

Sixth Months Second Dai/, 18 — . 
Friend Solomon: 

It grieveth me much to communicate by this, tidings that thine 
uncle is deceased. He departed this life on first day morning, of a 
malignant fever, as I am informed by Dr. Slanter, who attended him 
during his last sickness. His malady wrought much change in 
thine uncle's looks, as I can state from personal observance, having 
inspected them with great care immediately after his lamented de- 
cease. The funeral takes place third day morning, but too early 
for thee to come up ; thou hadst better not undertake the journey, 
as it may overweary thee, thou being of a feeble constitution, (as I 
know) from a boy. Thine uncle hath left no heir, as thou knovvest 
he was never in wedlock; consequently thou art his successor in 
the homestead, and whatsoever cash, moveables and stock he hath left. 
I would advise thee to plough the meadow behind the house, and to 
sow timothy in the blue grass meadow. The garden needs to be 
looked afier, and the fruit trees, as they are at present well- 
stocked, should be thinned out. Perhaps I had better use the kitch- 
en herbs and early apples for my own family use, until thou com- 
est hither. My spouse Deborah says they make exceeding good 
pies. Zekiel can pluck them, and it will be no great trouble; if 
it be, a small commission will make all right between me and thee. 
Zekiel proposes to gather the vegetables and fruit for us in consid- 
eration of thy letting him have a little of the live stock ; a pair or 
two of the fowls, and a well-looking calf that is just cast by the 
spotted cow. I regret to add that Gideon Barley's fine red heifer 
hath strained her off shoulder, and he may lose the crittur. I re- 
commended salt and water for the animal ; whether Gideon will use 
it yet is not decided. The old people are well and ask the stage- 
driver daily (as I have observed from the kitchen window) questions 
concerning thy welfare. 1 would bring this news to thee in person, 
and be enabled to satisfy thy grandfather and grandmother touch- 
ing thy progress and behaviour in the Babylon where thou art, but 
there is much ploughing to be done, and I am deprived of Zepha- 
niah's aid, he being sore of a foot with a scythe wound. Leonard hath 
gone over to tend the mill for miller Kirby, and Zekiel will be busy 
running to and fro betwixt us and thy garden and orchard. Advi- 
No. HI. 8 



68 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

sing thee to keep from the snares that beset the feet of youth in the 
ungodly city, and recommending thee to pay thy tailor's bill, and 
avoid the night air : 

Thine, 

Uriah Bloom. 

It is thought that Doublet, the old-fangled tory lawyer will not 
last the summer out. I have called upon him a score or so of times 
in a neighbourly way, and do verily believe that the old man hath 
lost nis wits, for he ceases not to cry out for one Mand Hamus, a 
king's counsel I judge, from such words as he delivers with the 
name. However on this point I will inform thee further in a short 
lime, as I intend to watch with him to-night, to see what further 
hints he may drop in his fever, touching this and other matters. 

U. B, 

Happening a short time after this in the neighbourhood of 9j 
Bowery, Sol. Clarion's eye was attracted by a gorgeous painting, ex- 
hibiting a great variety of monsters in fanciful colours, and observing 
the words "Wonderful Wild Beast Exhibition," he stepped in and 
asked for the proprietor, Mr. P. Hyaena Patchell, But Mr. Patchell 
came not forth. In answer to his inquiry, he learned that the smart 
show^man had had his head bitten off by the famous Bengal lion, in 
an attempt to investigate the lungs and bronchia of that interesting 
animal, for the amusement of a very pleasant assemblage of ap- 
prentices, maid servants, children under thirteen at half price, and 
a musty medical gentleman, who was very curious to learn the 
physiological effect of a full grown man's placing his cranium 
within the jaws of a Bengal lion in robust health. 

Counsellor Doublet he ascertained had bustled about the clerks 
offices for a day or two, and been laughed at by all the clerks and 
scriveners in the same; was told the Supreme Court no longer 
granted the writ of privilege^-and returned to the country and took 
to his bed. By the next mail after that which brought the epistle 
of friend Bloom, he learned that the little lawyer had died over 
night, demanding a " mandamus writ of privilege !" in a voice of au- 
thority; and threatening an appeal to Parliament if it were not 
granted! 



THE MELANCHOLY VAGABOND. 59 



THE MELANCHOLY VAGABOND. 

It was a clear October morning. The hum of the city was just 
beginning to swell into a distinct sound ; the sun, like a cheerful 
face smiling from amid doubt and adversity, was pushing aside the 
clouds in the east, and exhibiting his broad, rubicund features in 
full glow and freshness ; sloops, here and there, and other trim ves- 
sels were starting out from the shore, and gliding up or down the 
river; and in the middle of the stream two men occupied a weather- 
beaten, red fishing-boat, motionless and silent. One of them sate 
in the bows with his hands clenched upon his knees, and a wo-be- 
gone expression of countenance ; and the other occupied the middle 
seat with an oar in each hand dipping in the water. 

The first had a dry, shrivelled face, was short of stature, and was 
attired in a tattered grey overcoat, stretching from chin to heel, with 
a woollen cap, fashioned very much like a night cap, on his head. 
The second was a round, beef-fed personage, built like a duck, with 
an immense bill and corresponding mouth, and amply filled every 
inch of his garments with his person. He was clad in a long- 
tailed clay coloured coat, mud coloured vest, colourless pair of 
breeches, and dusty hat. 

" Don't you feel any sort of a freshness from the morning air, 
Neddy ?" asked the duck featured gentleman, pulling a stroke or 
two down the river. 

" No, none at all, no how ; there's something here Nosey," laying 
his right hand upon his heart, " a dead sickness I'm afeard that 
breeze nor physicianer can cure !" He ihen heaved a sigh, and join- 
ing his hands together again, exclaimed in a still more pathetic 
voice, " Ah ! you knows not, Nosey Bellows, tho' you he's a father, 
what it is to have a ungrateful dau'ter! To have a girl what marries 
throw herself against her daddy's will." 

^* Per'aps, we'd better pull for the fishing ground Neddy," said 



60 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

the duck faced man, " the sight of the cheerful porgies comin' up 
on the hook may sort o' revive you, and make you forget your 
suff'rins. A bit of Nature now and then is very pleasant to the 
spirits! Come," concluded the duck faced man, " we'll try a stroke 
for the Island ! — what say you Neddy Budge ?" 

" Neddy Budge can't go Nosey, no how ; you'd better pull to 
shore and land me, for somehow or other I always feels more me- 
lancholy on water. So I'll turn rudder," giving the tiller a turn 
feebly, " and go ashore and take a stroll along the banks !" 

" Well if you will, you will!" said Mr. Bellows, drawing his oars 
smartly through the water, and the red boat shot swiftly toward 
land. In a few minutes they struck the shore, Budge jumped out, 
and Bellows turning again scudded down the river, took in another 
friend of his, and pointed prow for Governor's Island. 

The history of Neddy Budge up to this period was simply this. 
He had opened life as a constable in a fifty dollar court. From his 
humble position on the floor of the court-room, clearing the bar 
and bawling ' to order!' he had, one lucky day, by a sudden change 
of parties and favour with political leaders, found his way to the 
Justice's seat, and there he presided for many years a legal dark- 
lantern, by whose uncertain and w^avering light many an unfortunate 
plaintiff or defendant w^as plunged into a pit of costs. Again the 
wheel of fortune turned. Again he handled the marshal's truncheon 
for a time ; but even that simple staff of authority was wrested from 
his hand, and he became an idle hanger-on upon the court, without 
business or profit ; until the sweeper of the court-room died, and 
then, in consideration of his former luminous services on the bench, 
Neddy Budge was inducted into that modest office. He soon be- 
came a poor devil, and slipping rapidly through those nice grada- 
tions which are known only in low life, he settled into the character 
in which he has appeared before the reader, namely that of a vaga- 
bond fisherman. 

After Neddy Budge had abandoned Bellows and his boat, he di- 
rected his steps along the shore indulging, as he walked a melan- 
choly vein of thought and meditation. 

" Who'd have thought it," said Neddy, torturing his face into an 
expression of refined suiTering, " a girl as was bro't up so kindly— 
and so well edecated as Nancy — poor Nan !" and a small drop of fluid 
distilled from the eyes of the Melancholy Vagabond, " and then to 
marry sich a tripe ! a mere dog-queller." — Here Mr. Budge's feel- 



THE MELANCHOLY VAGABOND. 61 

ings of indignation became too strong for oral expression, and he 
accordingly plucked his woollen cap from his brow and crushed and 
twisted it between his hands, until all semblance of its character as 
an ornament for the human head had entirely disappeared. " I 
can't stand it no how any longer," at length uttered Neddy Budge, 
{Stamping his foot fiercely on the ground, " I'll wring his neck off, 
and they may take the law of me ! I don't care no how ! — I'll choke 
him with soot afore he shall live with my daughter ! Yes I will !'* 
and the ferocious Budge doubled his fist and shook it in the air as 
if the powerful proposition he had just made had been assailed by 
some invisible casuist. Upon the delivery of this emphatic threat, 
Mr. Budge directed his steps with considerable speed toward the 
city. He had not walked many paces in this direction before he 
resumed his original course with more moderation, falling again into 
a strain of dolorous reflection. 

" But I han't the spirit to murder a man tho' he be a dog-killer, 
and as helpless and feeble as a puppy just whelped. If he'd have 
been a rag-picker, or a horse-doctor, or a master chimley-sweep, ot 
any sort of a thing but a dog-killer, Neddy Budge could have stood 
it. But then he's a despisable murtherer of poor curs ! and knocks 
'em in the head for the corporation, a dollar a-piece. I hope 
Nancy '11 starve afore she eats bread earned by sich practices !" 

As he uttered these words, with his eyes cast sadly upon the 
ground, a laughing fellow with a crimson complexion slapped 
Neddy Budge heartily upon the shoulder. 

This worthy was a jolly constable, a former companion of Budge's, 
and always known and addressed as " William." And here kind 
reader, allow me to drop a pithy apothegm, founded on much ob- 
servation and experience. There is a class of persons whose full 
name is as difficult to get at as to discover the longitude, or the 
meaning of a Hebrew commentaton They are known simply as 
Johnson, or Hodges, or Smith; or as John, Bob, Philip, or Dick. 
Hostlers, coachmen, negroes, errand-boys, constables, and park- 
keepers are generally known in this way. They seem to constitute 
a kind of half-humanity, which is sufficiently honoured and recog- 
nised by a single appellative. Why clergymen are put to the in- 
convenience of christening them into full names is a mystery I 
could never fathom. 

" Good morning, Judge !" said the jolly constable, touching his 



62 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

hat with a mock air of profound reverence, as Neddy Budge look- 
ed up, " How does your honour feel this morning?" 

" Miserable, William, miserable, I'm in sich low spirits, and 
have sich a ringing in my head I can't hardly live." 

"Why how is this, Neddy?" continued the jolly constable, 
" your mind ought to be as light as a lark now ; you've got no cases 
to try, no juries to panel" — 

" You say true William," interposed the Melancholy Vagabond, 
"but I'm afeard a jury '11 be panelled on me afore long that will 
give in a final verdict ; and my case will be tried beyond appeals to 
higher courts !" And the Melancholy Vagabond let fall a tear upon 
his coat sleeve. 

Hereupon the jolly constable looked very solemn, and said, 
Neddy Budge, you didn't use to be this way in the Old Court ; 
there Justice Budge was as laughing a fellow as ever sate on the 
bench. Don't you recollect," he concluded, smiling and nudging 
Mr. Budge under the small ribs, " the case of Weight ?;5. Passnips, 
where you threatened one of defendant's witnesses if he didn't stop 
snivelling in court you'd send him up to the Dry Dock to be new 
caulked I" Upon the delivery of this funny reminiscence the jolly 
constable exploded in a horse-laugh, which, however, produced only 
a sickly smile upon the countenance of ex-justice Budge. At this 
Catchpole was slightly disconcerted, and, shaking Neddy hastily 
by the hand, hurried off to court, saying, he " must take out a fresh 
summons in the case of the huckster-woman, who always puts her 
head out of the garret window, saying, she's just gone out of town!'* 

Neddy Budge thereupon seized his woollen cap by the top, gave 
it two or three uneasy turns upon his head, settled it with a new part 
in front, and plunging both hands in his deep coat pockets, proceed- 
ed on his way more thoughtful and melancholy than ever. 

The gloom which now pervaded the bosom of Mr. Budge had 
been gathering over it for more than a twelvemonth. It had at 
length become insupportable. The poor fellow as he now travelled 
along, (keeping the river in view,) burst forth at times with some 
heavy passage of complaining, or sitting down upon the stump of a 
tree, a rock or any chance object, wrung his hands and indulged in 
a copious discharge of tears. The man's only and darling daughter 
had married a dog-killer! Thus Neddy Budge rambled about the 
whole morning, sometimes keeping along the road, but oftener 



THE MELANCHOLY VAGABOND. 63 

Straggling through the fields or along the shore. At length he 
formed a desperate resolve. He had reached an old deserted gra-* 
nary, standing near the river, with a door, over which swung a rusty- 
iron crane, looking forth upon the water. Into this Neddy Budge 
easily made an entrance. For a long time he seemed to be search- 
ing about the building for some object in vain. At length discov- 
ering a stout piece of cord his object seemed to be attained, and 
forming one end of the same into a noose, he proceeded calmly and 
thoughtfully into the upper story of the granary. Here he threw 
open the door, drew in the crane and attached to its extremity one 
end of the rope. In a moment the other end was about his own 
neck, he had given the crane an outward swing, and Neddy Budge 
hunoj dangling in the air ! 

Nosey Bellows his companion of the morning had been unsuc- 
cessful in his fishing venture at Governor's Island, and had glided 
up the river, and dropped anchor off the Long Island shore, oppo- 
site the very building from which Neddy Budge had just thrown 
himself. He was sitting on the landward side of the boat, with his 
line carelessly dipping in the water, and looking over towards the 
City. The sun was sunken low in the west, and brought out the 
object upon which his gaze was now fastened, with great distinct 
ness against the sky. 

" As sure as a fish is a water animal," exclaimed the duck fea 
tared gentleman to his friend in the boat, " There's a man hang- 
ing from Astor's old granary by the neck !" 

At this his friend turned and looking in the direction to which he 
pointed, replied, " Poh ! Nosey — it's nothing but a sack of wheat 
that they're swinging in or a sheaf of straw !" and, looking more 
earnestly he seemed to doubt something the report of his own vision. 

" Sheaf of straw nor sack of wheat has passed that door or hung 
on that crane this twenty year. Never sin' the dead pedlar was 
found in the loft. I'm sure its a man, and more we'll pull over and 
cut him down; there may be some snuff o' life in him yet.'* 

Instantly they took in their lines and anchor, and, each seizing 
an oar, they pulled with main and might, straight across the 
river. As they drew nearer, Bellows observing the long grey over- 
coat, exclaimed, " It's Neddy Budge as I live !" and he threw 
greater strength into every stroke. They soon landed, and both 
ran at full speed toward the old granary. In a moment they drew 
in the crane, but findhig him stone cold, the duck featured gentle- 



64 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

man remarked with some trepidation in his accent, " That it 
would'nt do to cut him down till the crowner came. It was agin 
the law ! — So I've heard poor Neddy himself say many a time !" 

Nosey Bellows soon despatched his friend in quest of that function- 
ary, and, allowing the body of Neddy Budge to swing back to its 
original position, he descended below stairs and stood underneath 
the crane looking up, with singular expression of visnomy, into the 
shrivelled face of his deceased friend. He was there joined by a 
second party, namely, the jolly constable who had come that way to 
try the inaccessible huckster, (who lived near by) with a " fresh 
summons." 

They now observed, for the first time, together, that Neddy Budge 
held his woollen cap in his hand, which was extended forward as if 
in the act of tossing the article from him, when it was arrested by 
the death-pang. The philosophy of neither could solve this mys- 
terious position of the dexter arm, and there they stood wondering 
until the coroner arrived. He very speedily summoned a jury, 
(with the aid of the constable,) from the neighbourhood; who, 
hearing the testimony of Nosey Bellows and jolly Wilham, as to hia 
morning's conversation with each of them, rendered the verdict, 
" died of his own act, in consequence of melancholy and depression 
of spirits." The jolly constable thereupon departed in search of 
the ingenious huckster; the body of Neddy Budge was lifted into 
the red fishing-boat, and Nosey Bellows and his friend rowed sor- 
rowfully down the stream. The next day the Melancholy Vaga- 
bond was buried ! 




T/teJZ.'r/'l r/' i/?.ei uWeZt:/' /z-c^y^Ci^ly Fa.<:p'a./?c?n.c/. . 



6'^ 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. 65 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT No. I. 



THE MERRY-MAKERS IN QUEST OF A DINNER; AND THE COSTUME 
IN WHICH THEY INTRODUCED THEMSELVES TO CHICKEN PIE AND 
CIDER. 

Everywhere, all over the face of the earth are scattered like 
dimples, crews and companies of droll fellows, to keep the world in 
humour, and preserve the arts of laughter and frolic from total ob- 
livion. Here and there some two or three of them will obtain a foot- 
hold, and practising their mad pranks, and uttering their witty say- 
ings, make whole counties and townships ring with the echo. 
These are your wild blades, roaring boys, with something of the 
goosecap, something of the swaggerer in their composition, whose 
exploits are part of the history, and their mirthful speeches part of 
the vernacular of country villages and neighbourhoods. In the 
chronicles and traditions of such places they fill the posts of Robin 
Hoods and court jesters ; every old woman in a cap, takes their fame 
into keeping, and it is handed down from chimney corner to chim- 
ney corner, sometimes even as far as the third generation! God 
bless the jovial tribe! for they have saved many a good face from 
becoming mouldy and wrinkled, and sent a cheerful ray down into 
many a fine heart that would otherwise have become dull and torpid. 

Some thirty miles from the good city of New York, a pleasant 
road winds through the bosom of a cheerful range of low hills, cov- 
ered all the way with rich woods and pasture lands. In the very 
heart of these hills stood a dilapidated and ancient outhouse, in 
which were assembled early on a clear, midsummer morning some 
six or eight laughing fellows, shabbily dressed, and engaged in 
earnest conversation. 

" Well, my lads !" said one of them, a good sized man in a hawk 
nose, " I think we had better forego the project of tapping uncle 
Aaron's cider barrels to day. The liquor will be better a month 

No. III. 9 



6& THE MOTLEY BOOKo 

or two hence. I have a better game to propose that I think youll 
like to have a hand in." 

" What is it BobbyUnk? Let us have it!" was the general accla- 
mation and question of the party as they gathered eagerly about 
the speaker. 

" As many as would as leave as not have clean rigging and a hot 
dinner to day, will please to not keep their mouths shut!" and a 
universal " amen !" burst from the throat of the persons assembled. 

" If so," continued the speaker, who seemed to be master of the 
revels, " report yourselves and your condition as I call your names " 

Saying this, he drew a dirty piece of paper from his hat and call- 
ed, " Habbakkuk Viol." 

" Here : breeches open as Deacon Barker's mouth when he's 
praying: coat with tails fighting agin each other, and suing for se- 
paration ; shirt turned into ribbons, and gone into boots which are 
on a visit to the cobbler's. Belly in a state of insurrection." 

" John Smally." 

" On the spot, Sir, and has a faint recollection of a breakfast he 
eat 'bout a month ago ; beHeves there was such a meal as dinner 
once in vogue in these parts. Garments similar-like to Mr. Viol's.'* 

" Sam. Chisel." 

" Your sarvant I" said a stout built fellow with a slight hump on 
his shoulders, throwing a somerset and lighting in front of Mr. 
Bobbylink, with a solemn expression of face. " Has attended three 
house raisin's ; two weddin's and one christenin', come oiT with a 
dry belly from all six. For why ? One man fell down dead wid an 
opoplexy, the furst mug of cider he swallered ; 'cordingly the barrels 
was all spiked for fear of fudder accidents; the other two raisin's 
was on the rock crystal, cold water plan ; the baby at the christen- 
in' was too small herself for to eat, 'cordingly they giv' nothin', outj 
the two weddin's was over when I got there — 'cause why ? 'Bak 
Viol told me the wrong hour." 

" That will do, Mr. Chisel" said the good sized man. "Fall in 
with Smally there, and save your stories for next twenty-first of 
June." 

" Harry Harvest." 

" Overcoat in good condition. Hat, coat, breeches and break- 
fast missing." 

After these, two or three very similar personages gave corres- 
ponding responses and the roll call was completed. 



TliE MERRY-MAKERS. 6t 

"Follow me my lads !" said Mr. Bobbylink taking up the line of 
rharch toward a crumbling old-fashioned building, of which the 
outhouse was an appurtenance. The edifice which they now 
approached had been unoccupied and gradually falling into decay 
for several years. The owner of the lands on which it stood had 
erected a new tenement on a different part of his farm, and aban- 
doned this to bats and owls and such companions of owls as Mr. 
Bobbylink and his club of wild fellows. 

There was a part of the building however, into which even these 
dare-devils were afraid to intrude, and that was an upper chamber 
which was said to be tenanted by the ghost of a Jew who had died 
there at the close of the last century. In that room it was currently 
rumoured that the spirit of the Hebrew kept bachelor's chambers in a 
very ghostly manner; taking his meals, clinking and counting his sil- 
ver and retiring to bed with all the regularity of a gentleman in the 
flesh. To confirm this state of things, Mr. Sam. Chisel said that 
he had seen a man in a thin face and Roman nose stand at the 
window several times " atween daylight and dark, his hand stro- 
king a dry tuft of whisker, like a goat.'' And Habbakkuk Viol, 
asserted on his ovni personal hopes of salvation that he had heard 
a graveyard voice distinctly enunciate when Joshua Jolton, Esquire, 
was ringing his barrow shoats, " Dem those shwine !" Into this 
chamber notwithstanding the terrors which guarded it, Bob Bob^ 
bylink now boldly advanced followed by Smally, Chisel, Viol and 
their compatriots, in a state of considerable trepidation and pale- 
ness. 

" Yesterday afternoon," said Bob Bobbylink, in explanation of 
this sudden intrusion into the haunted apartment, " I was crossing 
the open garret in search of an old firelock : all at once the case- 
ment of the north window rattled, one of the window frames fell 
out and a gust came roaring through the building — swept my hat 
from my head ; the little Jew's door burst open, through rolled my 
hat, and I stood shivering, bareheaded, in the wind. In a trice, 
however, I was filled with huge promptings of valour and adven- 
ture, and pushed forward toward the little Jew's bed-chamber. I 
found nothing but an old high-backed chair, a bedstead with the 
cords mouldered to pieces, and this black clothes-press standing 
against the wall. The little Jew had quit the premises, and as I 
was the first one to make a voyage into these unknown parts, I 
claim a right in all that is found as first discoverer. I searched 



68 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

diligently my good fellows, every nook and cranny of the rooni, for 
cash and hard silver, and to my utter astonishment fomid not a far- 
thing. Nevertheless, I have fallen upon something that if it be 
well managed will purchase a prime dinner for us for to-day at 
least." At the conclusion of this brief narrative, Mr. Bobbylink 
advanced to the clothes press, turned a rusty key in the lock, and 
the doors flew open and disclosed to the staring eyes of the party a 
great number of curious dresses, carefully folded up and laid in 
order on the shelves, interlarded here and there with old fashioned 
swords, matchlocks and pistols. 

" I don't see how a dinner is to come out of this," said Habbak- 
kuk Viol, after gazing upon the apparel a reasonable length of time. 
" Unless, Bob, you propose to feed us like ostriches, on rags and 
iron. Jack Smally here hath a stomach I doubt not, that would 
digest one of those antediluvian matchlocks for a breakfast, and des- 
patch a pair of those odd-looking pistols between meals. Otherwise 
I see no meal nor mutton in a case of old clothes." 

" Poh!" retorted Bobbylink, with an air of hearty disdain, "Viol, 
you see nothing but that which is plainly before your eyes; yea, and 
it must come somewhat in contact with your nose before you can 
thoroughly smell out its meaning." 

" I agree with Viol," interposed Mr. John Smally, " I see no 
purpose to which you can put these fantastic dresses unless it be 
to peddle them at the weaver's a penny a pound, and the works on 
the fire arms for old iron a penny and a half." 

" You are a pretty fellow, Johny Smally," replied Bob Bobby- 
link, with an air of still greater superiority than he had adopted to- 
wards Viol, " a pretty fellow indeed, to tell what use may be made 
of these instruments. Your conceits, Smally, are parcel of your 
brain — patchwork and rusty. Your skull is quilted with the very 
odds and ends of your grandmother's rag box; stuffed like an old 
saddle with tow and feathers" — 

Mr. Bobbylink would have prolonged his reprimand had he not at 
this moment cast his eye upon John Smally, who hung his head, 
played with the fragment of a jacket-button, and exhibited other in- 
disputable signs of penitence and contrition. 

Now it should be understood that the shirtless Smally was the 
factotum, humble servant and parasite of Robert Bobbylink ; that 
he had discovered at a very early period of life, that Mr. Bobbylink 
possessed the finest pair of skirts of any gentleman of his acquaint- 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. I. 69 

ance, that he had attached himself to said skirts very shortly after 
such discovery, and had clung to the same up to the present period, 
with the tenacity of a genuine mastiff. He accordingly made it his 
special business to circulate Mr. Bobbyhnk's jocose sayings far and 
wide; to repeat his stories with the prefix, "Mr. Bobbylink said," 
at all the convenient inns and public places within a dozen miles' 
walk ; and to perform similar other small duties which a vassal 
should of right render unto his liege lord. He was Bob Bobbylink's 
humble shadow. If Bob expanded into importance, Mr. Smally 
felt it his duty to dilate in a corresponding manner ; if Mr. Bobby- 
link at any time, from the force of circumstances or detection in some 
prank or project, was made to look dwarfish, John Smally, accord- 
ing to the charter by which he lived, was forced to look as small as 
a grasshopper. From all these causes a rebuke from Mr. Bobby- 
link was no less than a thunder-clap to the ears of Mr. Smally, and 
he was profoundly hushed and silent until it rumbled by; though he 
had wit at will against any other antagonist than his patron. 

" Gentlemen and good fellows," continued Bob Bobbylink, " east 
of I'his building, about five miles, a wedding takes place this morn- 
ing; the wedding dinner will be on the table at one o'clock, precise- 
ly. I propose that loe eat that dinner. We shall entitle ourselves 
to the poultry, vegetables, boiled tongue, and apple sauce, which 
will figure there, by right of a device that I will open to you, if you 
will be quiet, just three minutes and a quarter." At this passage of 
his address a solemn tranquillity rested over the apartment. " T 
have examined this wardrobe carefully, and with an eye to our pro- 
ject. I find a suit of the little Jew's, including the tall blue cap, 
and long blue coat in which he was so well known in these parts ; 
that, I shall don myself; a ghost may do something for flesh and 
blood sometimes. Here also is the dress of a Hessian horseman, 
and as old aunt Anderson, (who says she lost an ear by a trooper's 
blade during the old war,) will be at the wedding, she will undoubt- 
edly aid us a little with her owl's voice when we appear. Habbak- 
kuk, you have something of a ruffian trooper's air; may you not 
browbeat a passage to a dinner with the butt-end of this blunder- 
buss," (producing a rusty article of that description from a drawer 
of the clothes press,) " Let the others," he concluded, " fall in our 
rear, properly caparisoned, and all is safe. If clowns and boors 
can withstand the ghost of a Jew, and the blunderbuss of a mad 



70 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

Hessian, there is more sustenance in beans and buttermilk than I 
have dreamed of!" 

The old building echoed with a hearty shout as Bob Bobbylink 
ended, and under his direction they speedily doffed their ragged 
dresses and set about accoutering themselves in the new equipments 
thus aptly and unexpectedly furnished. The articles forming an 
entire and complete suit, were luckily found carefully pinned to- 
gether, and this rendered the task comparatively easy and brief. 
Besides mere garments they discovered wigs, boots, fire-arms, 
swords, guns, Sec, all of which might be rendered of service in the 
approaching exploit. 

" While I was rumaging a private comer of the press," said 
Bobbylink as he produced the habiliments, " I fell upon a history 
of the queer little Jew, written by his own hand in a parchment 
book ; from which it appears that he was originally an old-clothes- 
man in England ; after a while like a grub he turned from that call- 
ing into an anti'kary and dress-fancier, which you see is only a 
better sort of an old-clothesman ; following up this sort of a pro- 
fession, he gathered wherever he travelled the rarest and most cu- 
rious kinds of dress and armour; guns, carbines, muskets, dragons, 
as he calls 'em. He says at one time he was accused of having 
stolen a couple of dresses from a nobleman's collection, but this he 
stoutly denies, in the name of father Abram, Isaac and Jacob. Fi- 
nally, he came over to this country, about the year seventeen thirty- 
five ; lived in ihe City a great many years, and at last came out to 
these parts, during the revolutionary war, and added a little to his 
wardrobe; — there his parchment book breaks off — and I conclude 
about the year eighteen hundred he turned from a dress-fancier into 
a ghost." 

In the course of two or three hours the party was completely ap- 
parelled and defiled from the old bed-chamber, in the following 
order. First, Mr. Robert Bobbylink gravely stalked forth in the 
guise of the defunct Israelite, which consisted of the tall blue cap 
and long blue coat already mentioned, the latter being ornamented 
with hieroglyphic buttons ; beneath it a rich white silk vest, with 
gay figures and devices ; black pantaloons which from their brevi- 
ty seemed to exhibit a reluctance to join a pair of low shoes, sur- 
mounted by two lively buckles of brass. In his hand Mr. Bobby- 
link bore a maple cane, the property and customary travelling com- 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. — EXPLOIT NO. I. 71 

panion of the deceased gentleman whom he represented. It was 
with intense difficuhy that Bob Bobbyhnk forced himself into these 
garments, which were about three sizes too small for his person, 
and he was obliged to chalk his face freely to take down the colour 
and give it something of the paleness which is proper and decent 
for a ghost. 

Next to him, in order, marched Habbakkuk Viol, wearing upon 
his brow a ferocious helmet of jacked leather, guarded by rusty 
steel hoops ; on his broad-shouldered back, he bore a long-waisted 
fiery red coat, with fierce metal buttons; his nether limbs were 
snugly encased in shamoy leather breeches, of an indescribable 
complexion, the lower extremities of which disappeared in a couple 
of heavy boots, enlivened at the rear with a pair of jingling iron 
spurs. Over his breast, in a leathern belt, an open-mouthed blun- 
derbuss swung, sustained at one end by his right hand, at its muzzle 
by his left. 

Behind him, slowly and thoughtfully waddled along the redoubt- 
ed John Smally ; clad in a broad-skirted Dutch coat, with awful 
cuffs; legs buried in trunk hose, which swelled above and beneath 
the knee into separate inflations, ending in peaked shoes that cut the 
ground like scythes ; upon his head sate a jaunty cocked hat, from be- 
neath which a brown queue streamed like the tail of a kite or a comet. 
In his hand he sustained, (terrible anachronism !) a dragon pistol as 
old as the age of Elizabeth; — an old fashioned weapon with a 
long handle, its works in the centre, and the ornament of a dragon's 
head at its muzzle. Having three dresses underneath his outer 
one, Mr. Smally moved with great solemnity and slowness, and in- 
dulged at times in singular expressions of visnomy, and strange ges-. 
ticulations of the body. 

Treading close upon the heels of Smally, came Sam. Chisel. 
How can I (unless in truth inspired) describe the jovial figure that 
now sidled through the chamber door. Stuffed monster ! Elephant 
in broadcloth ' balloon that hast taken two taper legs, dancing infla- 
ted on the earth! Mr. Samuel Chisel was endued on the present 
occasion in the habiliments of a famous clown, who had cast his 
clothes in the city of New York, during the war; thrown aside his 
cap and bauble, and, in fine, sold out his wardrobe to the little Jew 
antiquary. Upon his brow then Sam. Chisel wore a singularly 
constructed hat, having a towering steeple of felt for its centre, 
with a small white feather peeping from its point, and two flaming 



72 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

angles of painted pasteboard for its sides. The steeple was garnished 
with innumerable glittering spangles, and yards of gold cord coihng 
about it to its very spire, and from one angle hung a silken tassel 
of considerable size, in peril every moment of being devoured by a 
monstrous painted lion, rampant on the neighbouring pasteboard 
corner, with his mouth agape. Around the base of this triple hat a 
lively belt was fastened by an immense pewter buckle ; and from 
beneath the whole a red wig depended under cover of a linen 
bag, which was adorned with a portentous purple rose, or swinging 
cabbage plant. The hump of Mr. Chisel reposed beneath a bril- 
liant green jacket, adorned down its whole front by vast wooden 
buttons, painted white, which held it closely fastened to the 
breast. This was stuffed out to portly dimensions, by the aid of 
three goodly sheaves of straw, that had been stowed into their 
place by the united strength of Viol, Bobbylink, and Harvest. The 
same favour had been likewise conferred on a pair of black silk 
breeches, whose extremities however tapered off so unexpectedly 
at the bottom, as to make it seem that Mr. Chisel had lost the best 
part of his legs in some hot engagement, and was walking upon 
segments or slices of the same. Nevertheless, immense buckles 
denoted the place where knees should have been, and a huge pair 
of jack-boots that threatened to swallow Mr. Chisel's whole person, 
monstrous as it was, were the only positive evidences of such moiu 
bers that could be discovered. In the neighbourhood of the knee- 
buckles, long knots of yellow ribbon, curled about his pcrso.i like 
a nest of playful garter-snakes, and at the heels of the huge jack- 
boots two spurs, with rowels somewhat less than small coach- 
wheels, thrust themselves forth. Under his right arm the valiant 
Chisel sustained an awful two handed sword, (fabricated of lath, 
and painted the colour of steel,) with a green grip ; and at his left 
side a gaping scabbard of calfskin dangled as he walked. 

After Mr. Chisel, at a humble distance, and bearing about the 
same relation to him as a lean, starveling sexton following at the 
heels of a round-bellied, well-kept rector, came a withered little 
man, christened Tommy Snipe, by his parents, but re-baptized by 
the vulgar, Dried Snipe. This gentleman possessed a paper face, 
with a thin nose, that very unjustly inclined to the right ear, and a 
person which might be reasonably expected to correspond with 
such promising upper features. He took upon himself the task 
and burden of personating the age of George U.; wearing a dark 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. I. 73 

brown pig-tail, a wide-skirted coat, reaching to the knee, with 
ruffles at the wrist; a long vest with large pocket-flaps underneath, 
and snug pantaloons ending in pumps, adorned with knots of rib- 
bon. But he was sadly out in his costume, by mounting on his 
head a sugar-loaf hat, and bearing in his hand a clumsy old pistol, 
managed by a wheelock, with its works all at the muzzle; like the 
brains of a garrulous fellow, that all lie in his tongue. I doubt 
whether the throats of those old iron orators ever spoke to much 
purpose. Into one of his coat pockets he slily insinuated a half- 
filled power-flask and shot-pouch, for the purpose, perhaps, of prac- 
tising with his resuscitated pistol, upon a few of Mr. Joshua Jol- 
ton's tame pigeons, on the way home, if the adventure should chance 
to miscarry. 

Behind Mr. Snipe, Harry Harvest strutted the ambitious repre- 
sentative of a still earlier reign. His head was covered with a low, 
broad-brimmed beaver, cocked on one side, one corner of which 
had been knocked out by a roundhead broadsword, with a dull, 
dirty feather winding about its crown. The expressive countenance 
of Mr. Harvest shone out from amid a fertile perriwig that flowed 
in a complete torrent of hair down his shoulders, like the man in 
the moon in a cloudy night. In his left hand he wore a smart 
sword, crossing a gay doublet, reaching to the top of a pair of wide 
stockings, tagged up with points : a set of petticoat breeches, and a 
few yards of lutestring completed the dress. 

Thus accoutred, they ghded noiselessly from the old building, 
and stole around a ledge of rocks, into a green lane, which was 
shaded by trees and straggled along the margin of a brook for 
something like a furlong. Here the pleasant by-way ended, and 
they found themselves in the edge of an oak forest, pursuing an ob- 
scure footpath, which sometimes broadened into an open space, and 
again narrowed to a track scarcely suflicient for the passage of Mr. 
Samuel Chisel. 

As they travelled, the journey was lightened by occasional extra- 
vagantly authentic stories, narrated to the worthy just named, by 
Bob Bobbylink — interspersed now and then, with a rough cudgel- 
play of wits between Dried Snipe and Hank Harvest ; enhvened 
still more at intervals, by a series of mutual tricks, practised upon 
each other all round. At times Habbakkuk Viol, the mad Hessian, 
would discover as he stooped to drink of some passing stream, an 
ominous goose-quill stuck in his jacked leather helmet, vying with 

No. IV. 10 



74 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

his more regular trooper's feather. Again a rapid series of sudden 
and invisible kicks would descend upon the swelling flank of Sam. 
Chisel, with such velocity and fury, as to shake his physical com- 
monweahh to its centre. Dried Snipe being a tetchy little fellow, 
was frequently set upon and sorely badgered by some one of the 
party. 

" I think," said the gentleman who represented the seventeenth 
century on this occasion, addressing himself to Tommy Snipe, 
" when 1 undertook to rob a henroost, I wouldn't mistake a patri- 
archal cock, for a maiden pullet; you are so valiant Snipe, you 
should have known him by his spurs !" 

" I knows what I know," retorted Mr. Snipe. " If it had been 
you, I might have known you to be a tender bird by your soft 
coxcomb !" 

" Well answered, Dried Snipe !" quoth the company halting in 
a cleared space, and gathering about the disputants; (Bobbylink 
advancing alone on a lookout.) Quip and reply now rapidly passed 
between the contending parties, until at length the tetchy Mr. Snipe 
was exasperated beyond endurance, by Harry Harvest's alluding to 
his features, in connexion with the appearance presented by the 
physiognomy of a dried codfish suddenly animated. At this un- 
savory and pointed insinuation the gentleman representing the mid- 
dle of the eighteenth century, in his style of dress, grew exceed- 
ing wroth, and would have done terrible damage to the person and 
habiliments of him of the seventeenth, by drawing from his pocket 
his small powder-flask, and proceeding to load his venerable pistol, 
had not fate interposed, and by the hand of John Smally, forcibly 
plucked the brown wig from the head of the valorous Snipe : where- 
upon his sugar-loaf hat slid over his face, very much like an enor- 
mous extinguisher. In this tomb his valour was eff'ectually buried 
for the present. Meantime Mr. Harry Harvest had drawn his trusty 
rapier, but was prwented from a very dexterous employment of the 
same, by the sudden descent of Sam. Chisel's trenchant blade of 
lath upon his head, which caused his eyes to emit sufficient sparks 
and flashes, to fire a whole field of artillery. 

And now the gentlemen of the seventeenth and eighteenth centu- 
ries were completely at the mercy of their more modern comrades, 
and might have been speedily put to death by the numerous inge- 
nious tortures practised upon them, while thus doing penance in the 
dark, had not Bob Bobbylink at that moment returned, exclaiming, 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. — EXPLOIT NO. I. 75 

with sparkling eyes, " the signal is hove out!" which being readily 
understood by the party, caused a supple adjustment of all difficul- 
ties, a general and generous forgiveness of injuries, and they re 
sumed the march. 

In a moment or two they had emerged from the woods, and cast 
ing their eyes toward the east, discovered a long stripe of red flan- 
nel flying at the head of a well-pole. The sight of this signal in- 
spired the freebooting varlets with feelings similar to those which 
filled the breast of the adventurous Vasco de Gama, on obtaining 
the first view of the Pacific from a peak of the Andes ; for to Viol, 
Bobbylink 6c Co., it opened visions of whole seas of cider, and 
mountains of mutton and roast beef. They had now arrived in an 
orchard at the rear of the dwelling, whose roof covered the wedding- 
dinner, which was the grand object of their adventure, and the 
wedding-party had just seated themselves at the table to do justice 
to its various excellence. While the dinner-hunters are discussing 
the most expedient order of entrance and assault, we will appropri- 
ate a few words of description to the objects we have mentioned. 

At the head of a long table, then, in a comfortable sitting room, 
looking out upon a garden, was seated a round-faced, short man, in 
a new brown coat, with light brass buttons, and at his side, a red-? 
cheeked, dumpy girl, in a new pink frock, and a pair of blue eyes, in 
capital order. At the opposite extremity of the board sate two 
aged females, old Aunt Anderson, the grandmother of the bride- 
groom, and at her left, Aunt Frewell Tomkins, the corresponding 
relative of the bride. Along the sides of the table were seated 
Parson Hob, a methodist clergyman, in an ill-cut suit of black, in 
the centre, with the mothers of the bride and groom, and two or 
three rustic female cousins, as wings ; opposite the preacher sate 
the bride and bridegroom's grandfathers, flanked in like manner on 
each side with the male parents of the interesting couple, whose 
individual interests had been merged in a co-partnership for life, 
with a like number of male cousins to tally with the females men- 
tioned. This interesting company had just arranged itself as we 
have described about a well-filled board when a loud knock was 
heard at the door, and without further warning, a man with an iron- 
bound military cap on his head, and a heavy blunderbuss in his 
hand, stepped into the apartment. 

He grounded his arms with a martial air, and leaning over the 
muzzle looked around upon the wedding party with great coolness 



76 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

and severity of countenance. The first one to speak on the ap- 
pearance of this unexpected figure was Aunt Anderson — " My 
God !" said she, " I beheve it's a Hessian !" And suddenly seizing 
her spectacles from the table and placing them to her eyes she 
shrieked " It is ! yes it is one of those wild war-fellows of the Revo- 
lution !" and dropping her glasses upon the floor she rushed preci- 
pitately out of the room. 

By this time a second figure had made itself visible, this was a 
pale, sepulchral personage in a blue cap and coat, who tottered 
feebly into the apartment with a cane in his hand and took his 
station a little in advance of the military apparition. " Good gra- 
cious !" now shrieked Hetty Steddle, a pretty servant-girl who was 
in waiting, " Lor' bless me, if that ben't the ghost of old Shek- 
kels !" and with a hideous noise she followed the example of 
withered Aunt Anderson. " It must be the spirit of the old Jew 
Shekkels !" said the two old grandfathers almost in the same 
breath, rising from the table placing their hands upon the cloth and 
peering anxiously forward into the face of the man in the blue coat 
and cap. A general panic had now seized the company ; the 
dumpy bride had succeeded, after two or three ineffectual attempts, 
in fainting, and was borne in the arms of the short man in the round- 
face, aided by two or three stout boors, into the fresh air. The 
clergyman had taken advantage of the open door and suddenly dis- 
appeared, none could tell (if they had cared) whither. The females 
in a body fled the haunted table, followed by the bridegroom's 
father between the two venerable grandsires, dragging them out by 
the collar with main force. Just as the last one of this fugitive 
party of weddeners had vanished through one door their places 
were supplied at another by our friends, Sam. Chisel, Harvest, Snipe, 
and Smally, who were equally disposed, with them, to do jus- 
tice to the yet untasted meal before them. First, the Merry-Ma- 
kers, then, indulged, in a sort of subdued horse-laugh all round. 
Next, the door was secured by John Smally and Sam. Chisel 
with two short bayonets thrust an inch deep or more in the lintels ; 
and then they arrayed themselves with all despatch about the 
smoking board. 

According to an ancient custom that prevails in that region, the 
wedding company had established themselves at the table before 
the knives and forks were laid at the plates : that being a service 
generally rendered by a negro or maid-servant immediately after 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. I. 77 

grace. Onr bold adventurers accordingly found themselves sadly 
at a stand for lack of these indispensables ; all except Mr. Harry 
Harvest, w^ho plied his rapier of the middle of the seventeenth cen- 
tury with great dexterity at the ribs of a roasted turkey, and Mr. 
Chisel whose lath sword did serviceable execution upon pudding 
and apple-sauce, shovelhng huge streams of the latter down his 
throat seasoned with a draught from a neighbouring cider pitcher 
But the exploits of these two trenchermen scarcely satisfied the 
clamorous beUies of Dried Snipe, Smally, Habbakkuk Viol, and 
Bob Bobbylink. 

The latter worthy therefore, rising and catching a brace of fine 
broiled woodcocks by the legs and thrusting them into his coat 
pocket, exclaimed — " Clear the deck my lads ! — we'll adjourn the 
dinner to Head Quarters !" and saying this he seized upon two 
bottles of currant wine, and a fat fowl, and thrust them into a long 
bag (that he had secretly brought with him) to show them what he 
meant. 

Thereupon a scene of awful and indiscriminate pillage ensued, 
Habbakkuk Viol, first filled his blunderbuss with cider to the muz- 
zle plugging it in with a roll of hot bread, and afterwards stuffed 
a duck into either pocket. Sam. Chisel next cast out two sheaves 
of straw from his bosom and basted his green jacket with a mon- 
strous chicken pie, a dish of apple sauce, and a leaden-covered 
pitcher of fresh-brewed ale ; filling the steeple of his hat with hot rolls 
and other dainties ; his jack boots with radishes and roasted apples,, 
and his calf-skin scabbard with pudding sauce and drawn butter. 
An enormous turkey was severed and shared with Dried Snipe> 
who, besides this moiety, lined his gabardine with bread and cakes, 
and clapped a blackberry pudding in his sugar-loaf hat with a small 
plate at bottom to sustain it. The immense vestpockets of John 
Smally were forthwith freighted each with a comely loaf of pot 
cheese and into the skirts of his Dutch coat he slid a goodly tongue 
whispering to Bobbylink — " This, you and I will secretly divide !'* 
As for Harry Harvest, he was desperately fond of greens, and took 
charge of the vegetable department and accordingly crammed his 
Charles Second doublet and petticoat-breeches between the lining, 
with beans, peas, asparagus, and ears of early corn. Thus armed 
and provisioned, these gallant cruisers cautiously undid the door 
and stole warily from harbour without being seen ; for the whole 
wedding party had fled into the crib, which was on the other side 



78 THE MOTLEY BOOK* 

of the house, and there they kept themselves in a state of siege^ 
the short bridegroom, having ascended into the loft of the same 
and planted his round face at a loophole in the end, maintaining a 
brilliant and steady lookout, with all his eyes toward the front of 
the building. 

The Merry-Makers soon attained the woods, and Bob Bobby- 
link looking cautiously back saw the pretty serving girl, Hetty 
Steddle, standing under a cow shed in the road, holding her hips 
and ready to burst with laughter, as she gaily winked and waved 
her hand to him. 

The next morning the same shabbily dressed crew to which we 
introduced our readers, might have been seen lurking about the old 
out-house, basking in the sun as before, but with improved visages, 
sleek with the fruits of their yesterday's wild adventure ! 



THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST. 79 



THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST IN GOTHAM. 



ILLUSTRATING THE CONNEXION BETWEEN PATRIOTISM AND SILK 
STOCKINGS, AND CACOGRAPHY AND POPULAR RIGHTS. 

There is a particular season of the year in the city of New 
York, when ragamuffins and vagabonds take a sudden rise in re- 
spectability ; when a tarpaulin hat is viewed with the same myste- 
rious regard as the crown of an emperor, and the uncombed locks 
of a wharf rat or river vagrant, looked upon with as much venera- 
tion as if they belonged to Apollo in his brightest moments of 
inspiration. At this singular and peculiar period in the calendar, 
all the higher classes, by a wonderful readiness and felicity of con- 
descension, step down from their pedestals and smilingly meet the 
vulgar gentry, half way up, in their progress to the beautiful table- 
land of refinement and civilization. 

About this time gloves go out of repute and an astonishing 
shaking of dirty fists takes place all over the metropolis. It is a 
sight to electrify the heart of a philanthropist to behold a whole 
community, in a state of such .perfect Arcadian innocence, that all 
meet on te^ms of familiar affection, where smile responds to smile, 
with equal warmth though one may dimple a clean countenance 
and the other force its pellucid way through a fog of earthy parti- 
cles. Happy, golden time ! 

Reader, if you chance not to comprehend philosophically, this 
sweet condition of things, be informed that a Charter Election 
comes on next month ! 

The charter contest of the year eighteen hundred and , is 

perhaps the fiercest on record in the chronicles of New York. 
Several minor skirmishes took place with regard to aldermen, as- 
sessors and constables, but the main brunt and heat of the engage- 
ment fell upon the election of a Mayor to preside over the 
portentous destinies of the metropolis during a twelvemonth. 

It seemed, from the grounds on which it was fought, to be the 



80 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

old battle of patrician and plebian. On one side, the candidate was 
Herbert Hickock, Esquire, a wholesale auctioneer and tolerably- 
good latin scholar : a gentleman who salUed forth every morning 
at 9 o'clock, from a fashionable residence in Broadway, dressed in 
a neat and gentlemanly suit of black, an immaculate pair of gloves, 
large white ruffles in his bosom and a dapper cane in his hand. 

Opposed to him as a candidate for the Mayoralty, was a retired 
shoemaker, affectionately and familiarly known as Bill Snivel. He 
was particularly celebrated for the amount of unclean garments he 
was able to arrange about his person, a rusty, swaggering hat, and 
a rugged style of English with which he garnished his conversation. 
The great principles on which the warfare was waged were on the 
one hand, that tidy apparel is an indisputable evidence of a foul 
and corrupt code of principles ; and on the other, that to be ppor 
and unclean, denotes a total deprivation of the reasoning faculties. 

So that the leading object of the Bill Snivel party seemed to be 
to discover Mr. Hickock in some act of personal uncleanliness or 
cacography : while the Hickock party as strenuously bent all their 
energies to the detection of Mr. Bill Snivel in the use of good 
English or unexceptionable linen. The names with which ihey 
mutually christened each other exhibit the depth and strength of 
their feelings on this point. The one was known as the Silk-stock- 
ing gentry ; the other by the comprehensive appellation of the 
Loafers. 

At the approach of a New York charter election, it is truly- 
astonishing how great a curiosity springs up as to the personal 
habits of the gentlemen presented on either side as candidates. 
The most excruciating anxiety appears to seize the community to 
learn certain little biographical incidents as to his birth, parentage, 
morals, and the everyday details of his life. In truth, on this occa- 
sion, the wardrobe of one of the nominees had been so often and so 
facetiously alluded to by two or three of the newspapers, that the 
Bill Snivel General Vigilance Committee had felt it their duty to 
furnish one of their members with a large double telescope — which 
he planted (by resolution of the Committee) every night and mor- 
ning directly opposite the chamber window of Herbert Hickock^ 
Esquire, with the laudable purpose of discovering in an authentic 
way, what were that candidate's habits of dress. A manuscript 
report of his ingenious observations, it is said, was circulated freely 
among the members of the committee. No copy, that I have 



THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST 81 

learned, has ever found its way to the press. As every one knows, 
the advent of an election creates a general and clamorous demand 
for full-grown young men of twenty-one years of age. To meet 
this demand, a surprising cultivation of beards took place among 
the Hickock youth who happened to want a few days or months of 
that golden period. 

Furthermore, a large number of the Bill Snivel voters in the 
upper wards of the city, became suddenly consumptive, and were 
forced to repair for the benefit of their health to the more southern 
and genial latitudes of the first, second and third wards : and the 
Hickock men residing in those wards were seized as suddenly with 
alarming bilious symptoms which compelled them to emigrate ab- 
ruptly to the more vigorous and bracing regions in the northern 
part of the island. Pleasant aquatic excursions, too, were underta- 
ken by certain gentlemen of the Bill Snivel tinge of politics (whose 
proper domicils were at Hartford and Haverstraw) and they came 
sailing down the North and East rivers, in all kinds of craft, on 
visits to their metropolitan brethren, and dropped their compli- 
ments, in the shape of small folded papers, in square green boxes 
with a slit in the top. 

To keep up the spirit of the contest, several hundreds of the Silk' 
stocking men packed themselves regularly every night into a large, 
oblong room, and presented a splendid collection of fine coats and 
knowing faces — like a synod of grave herrings m a firkin — to the 
contemplation of sundry small men with white pocket handkerchiefs 
and bad colds, who in turn, came forward and apostrophized a 
striped flag and balcony of boys on the opposite wall. 

Certain other hundreds of the Bill Snivel men regaled them- 
selves in a similar way in another large oblong room except that 
the gentlemen who came forward to them served themselves up in 
spotted silk handkerchiefs — voices a key louder — noses a thought 
larger — and faces a tinge redder than their rivals. The former 
occasionally quoted latin and the latter took snuflf. With regard 
to the noises which now and then emanated from the lungs of the 
respective assemblages — there was more music in the shouts and 
vociferations of the Hickock meetings — more vigour and rough 
energy in the Bill Snivel. If a zoological distinction might be 
made, the Bill Snivel voice resembled that of a cage-full of hungry 
young tigers slightly infuriated, while the Hickock seemed to be 
modelled on the clamour of an old lion after dinner. Each meeting 
No. IV.— 11 



63 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

had some particular oratorical favourite. In one, a slim man wa^ 
in the habit of exhibiting a long sallow face at 8 o'clock every eve* 
ning, between a pair of tall sperm candles, and solemnly declaring 
that — the country was ruined and that he was obliged to pay 
twelve and a half cents a pound for liver ! At the Bill Snivel, a 
short stout man with an immense bony fist was accustomed about 
half an hour later to appear on a high platform — and announce in 
a stentorian voice that " the People was on its own legs again," 
which was rather surprising wlien we know how fond some people 
are of getting into other people's boots ; and that " the Democracy 
was carrying the country before it," which was also a profound 
postulate meaning — the Democracy was carrying the Democracy 
before it — they constituting the country at all times, and the coun- 
try at all times constituting them ! 

In the mean time, Committee men of all sorts and descriptions 
are at work in rooms of every variety of wall and dimension. 
The whole city is covered with handbills, caricatures, manifestoesj 
exposures, pointed facts, neat little scraps of personal history and 
various other pages of diverting political literature. Swarms cluster 
about the polls : banners stream from windows, cords and house- 
tops. A little man rides about on the box of an enormous waggon, 
blowing a large brass trumpet and waving a white linen flag with 
a catching inscription — and he labours at the trumpet till he blows 
his face out of shape and his hat off his head, and waves the flag 
until it seems to be a signal of distress thrown out by the poor little 
man with the brass trumpet, just as he has broken his wind and is 
sinking with exhaustion. Scouring Committees beat furiously 
through the wards in every direction. Diving, like sharks, into 
cellars, they bring up, as it were between their teeth, wretched 
scare-crow creatures who stare about when introduced to daylight 
as if it were as great a novelty to them as roast beef. Ascending 
into garrets, like mounting hawks, they bear down in their clutches 
trembling old men who had vegetated in those dry, airy elevations 
apparently during a whole century. Prominent among the bustling 
busy-bodies of the hour is Fahrenheit Flapdragon ; member of the 
Hickock General Committee, the Hickock Vigilance Ward Com- 
mitlee, the Advertising Committee, the Wharf Committee, the 
Committee on Flags and Decorations, the Committee on Tar-bar- 
rels and tinder-boxes, one of the Grand General Committee on 
drinking gin-slings and cigar-smoking, and member of the Com- 



THE GIliEJAt CHARTER CONTEST. 83 

Inittee on noise and applause. By dint of energetic manoeuveringi 
Flapdragon had likewise succeeded in being appointed chairman of 
a single Committee, viz. — that on chairs and benches. He attained 
this enviable elevation, (the performance of the arduous duties ot 
which drewr upon him the eyes of the whole ward and the carpen- 
ter who furnished the benches !) through the votes of a majority of 
the Committee of five — one of whom was his brother-in-law and 
the other his business partner. The casting vote he had himself 
given judiciously, in his own favour. Fahrenheit Flapdragon bore 
a conspicuous part in the great Charier Contest, now waging 
between Hickock and Snivel. In fact he was so embarrassed with 
engagements during this hot-blooded election, that he was com- 
pelled to furnish himself with a long-legged gray horse early on 
the morning of the second day, to carry him about with sufficient 
rapidity from point to point to meet them as they sprang up. The 
little man, of a truth, was so tossed and driven about by his various 
self-imposed duties in the Committee-rooms, streets, and along the 
wharves that he came well nigh going stark mad. During the 
day he harried up and down the streets, from poll to poll, bearing 
tidings from one to the other — distributing tickets — cheering on the 
little boys to shout, and placing big men in the passages to stop 
the ingress of Bill Snivel voters : I say during the day he posted 
from place to place on his lank gray nag with such fury that many 
sober people thought he had lost his wits and was hunting for them 
on horseback in this distracted manner. 

At night, what with drinking gin-slings and brandy-and-water at 
the bar to encourage the vagabonds that stood looking wistfully on — • 
talking red-hot Hickock politics to groups of four, five and six — 
and bawling applause at the different public meetings he attended 
^-he presented at the close of the day's services such a personal 
appearance that any one might have supposed he had stayed in an 
oven till the turning point between red and brown arrived, and then 
jumped out and walked home with the utmost possible velocity to 
keep up his colour. There are seventeen wards in the city and 
every ward has its Fahrenheit Flapdragon. 

While these busy little committee-men are bustling and hurrying 
about, parties of voters are constantly arriving on foot, in coaches, 
barouches, open waggons and omnibuses, accompanied by some 
electioneering friend who brings them up to the polls. Every hour 
the luiots about the door swell, until they fill the streets In the in- 



84 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

terior of the building, meanwhile, a somewhat different scene pre* 
sents itself. Behind a counter on three wooden stools, three men 
are perched with a green box planted in front of the one in the 
centre, and an officer with a staff at either end. The small piece 
of green furniture thus guarded is the ballot box, and all sorts of 
humanity are every moment arriving and depositing their votes. 
Besides- the officers, two or three fierce looking men stand around 
the box on either side and challenge in the most determined man- 
ner every suspicious person of the opposite politics. " I dispute 
that man's vote," says one, as a ragged young fellow with a dirty 
face and strong odour of brandy approaches. " I don't believe he 
is entitled to a vote." " Yes, he is," replies another, " I know 
him — he's a good citizen. But you may swear him if you choose !" 
At this the vagabond is pushed up to the counter by one of his po- 
litical friends — his hat is knocked off by an officer — the chief 
inspector presents an open bible — at which the vagabond stares as 
if it were a stale codfish instead of the gospels — a second friend 
raises his hand for him and places it on the book — and the chief 
inspector is about to swear him — when the Hickock challenger 
cries out " ask him if he understands the nature of an oath !" 
" What is an oath ?" asks the inspector solemnly. " D — n your 
eyes !" hiccups the young Bill Snivel voter. 

" Take him out !" shouts the inspector, and the officers in attend- 
ance, each picking up a portion of his coat collar, hurry him away 
with inconceivable rapidity through a back door into the street, and 
dismiss him with a hearty punch of their staves in the small of 
his back. 

All over the city, wherever a square inch of floor or pavement 
can be obtained — in bar-rooms, hotels, streets, newspaper offices — 
animated conversations are got up between the Hickock gentry and 
the Bill Snivel men. 

" If dandy Hickock gets in" says a squint-eyed man with a 
twisted nose, " I've got a rooster-pigeon — I'll pick his feathers 
bare — stick a pipe stem in his claw, friz his top-knot — ^and offer 
him as a stump-candidate for next Mayor." 

" Can your rooster-pigeon spell his own name, Crossfire ?" asked 
a tall Hickock street inspector — " If he can't, you'd better put him 
a quarter under Bill Snivel. It would be as good as an infant 
school for him !" 

*' I think I'd better take my little Bantam-cock," retorted the squint- 



THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST. 85 

eyed man, " he's got a fine comb which would answer for shirt- 
ruffles," and the Bill Snivel auditors gave a clamorous shout. 

" If he's got a comb," said the tall inspector stooping toward the 
shouters, " it's more than what Bill Snivel's head has seen this 
two and forty years !" The Hickock gentry now sent up in turn, 
a vigorous hurrah : and a couple of ragamuffins in the mob, who 
had been carrying on a little under-dialogue on their own account, 
now pitched into each other in the most lively manner, and after 
being allowed to phlebotomize each other very freely, were drawn 
apart by their respective coat tails and carried to a neighbouring 
pump. 

The battle by no means ceases at the going down of the sun ; 
for, besides the two large assemblages to which we have before al- 
luded, there is in each ward a nightly meeting in some small room 
in the second story of a public house, where about one hundred and 
fifty miscellaneous human beings are entertained by sundry young 
attornies and other spouters, practising the English language and 
trying the force of their lungs. At these meetings you will be 
sure, (whenever you attend them) to meet with certain stereotyped 
faces — which are always there, always with the same smiling ex- 
pression — and looking as if they were parts of the wainscoting or 
lively pieces of furniture fixed there by the landlord to please his 
guests. The smiHng gentlemen are office-seekers. In the corner, 
sitting on a small table you may observe a large puffed-out man 
with red cheeks : he is anxious to obtam the appointment of beer- 
gauger under the corporation. Standing up by the fire-place is a 
man with a dingy face and shivering person who wishes to be 
weigher of coal, talking to a tall fellow who stoops in the shoulders 
like a buzzard, with a prying nose and eye, and a face as hard and 
round as a pavino-stone, who is making interest for reappointment 
as street inspector. There is also another, with a brown, tanned 
countenance, patriotically lamenting the decline of the good, old 
Revolutionary spirit — who wants the office of leather inspector. 

The most prominent man at these meetings is orator Bog : a 
personage whose reputation shoots up into a wonderful growth 
during the three days of election, while his declamation is fresh, 
but which suddenly withers and wilts away when the heat of the 
conffict has cooled. His eloquence is the peculiar offspring of 
those sunny little Republican hot beds, ward meetings. 

He has just described the city as " split like a young eel from 



86 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

nose to tail by the diabolical and cruel knife of those modern Cata- 
lines" the aldermen of the city — they having recently run a main 
street through it north and south, 

" These are the men," he exclaimed with an awful smile on his 
countenance, " these are the men that dare insult democracy by 
appearing in public — like goslings — yes, like goslings ! — with such 
articles as these on their legs !" and thrusting a pair of tongs — 
heretofore dexterously concealed under the skirts of his coat — ■ 
into his hat, which stood upon the table before him — he drew out 
a pair of fine silk stockings and swung them triumphantly over the 
heads of the mob which screamed and clamoured with huge 
delight at the spectacle. And such articles as these !" he shouted, 
producing from the same receptacle a shirt about small enough for 
a yearling infant with enormous green ruffles about large enough for 
a Patagonian. 

" Look at it !" cried Bog, throwing it to one of the mob. 

" It's pine shavin's painted green," shouted the mob. 

" Smell of it !" cried Bog. 

" It's scented with assy-fetid-y !" vociferated the ecstatic Bill 
Snivel men, and a hearty burst of laughter broke forth. 

Several lusty vagabonds came near going into fits when orator 
Bog facetiously though gravely stopped his nose with his thumb 
and finger and remarked, " I think some one has brought a skunk 
into the room !" 

The last hour of the last day of the Great Charter Contest has 
arrived. Every carman, every merchant's clerk, every negro with 
a freehold, every stevedore, every lamp-lighter, every street- 
sweeper, every vagrant, every vagabond has cast his vote. 

Garret, cellar, sailor's boarding-house, shed, stable, sloop, 
steamboat, and dock-yard, have been ransacked, and not a human 
being on the great island of Manhattan has escaped the clutch of 
the Scouring and District Committees of the two great contending 
parties. At this critical moment, and as the sun began to look 
horizontally over the chimney-tops with a broad face as if he 
laughed at the quarrels of Hickock gentry and Bill Snivel men, 
two personages were prowling and prying along a wharf on the 
East river, like a brace of inquisitive snipe. 

At the self same moment the eyes of both alighted on an object 
floating in the water, at the self same moment both sprang forward 
with a boat-hook in his hand and fastened upon the object of their 




Thf Disputed TJ^/^ 



Taa^ S7 



THE GREAT CHARTER CONTEST. 87 

mutual glances, one at the one extremity — the other, at the other. 
In a time far less than it takes the north star to twinkle, the obiect 
was dragged on shore and proved to be the body of a man en- 
veloped in a fragmentary blue coat, roofless hat and corduroy pan- 
taloons. 

" I claim him," said one of the boat-hook gentlemen, a member 
of the Seventh Ward Hickock Wharf Committee. " I saw him 
first ! He's our voter by all that's fair." 

*' He wants a jug-full of being yours, my lad," retorted the other, 
a member of the Bill Snivel Wharf Committee. " He's too good 
a christian to be yours — for don't you see he's jest been baptized " 
" He's mine," responded the Hickock committee-man, " for my 
hook fastened in his collar and thereby saved his head — he couldn't 
vote without his head !" 

" A timbe»r-head he must have if he'd vote the shirt-ruffle ticket.** 
retorted the Bill Snivel committee-man. 

. By this time a mob had gathered about the disputants, who stood 
holding the rescued body each by a leg with its head downward to 
let the water drain from its windpipe. 

■ " Wliy you land-lubbers," cried a medical student pushing his pro- 
fessional nose through the throng, "you'll give the man the apoplexy 
if you hold him that w^ay just half a minute longer." In a trice after, 
a second medical student arrived and hearing what the other had 
said, exclaimed — " It's the best thing you can do — hold him just 
as he is or he's sure to get the dropsy." The mob, however, in- 
terfered — the man was laid on his back — and one of the medical 
students (who was propitious to the Hickock code of poHtics) 
taking hold of one wrist — and the other (who advocated the Bill 
Snivel system) seizing the other, they commenced chafing his 
temples and rubbing the palms of his hands. 

The Wharf Committee-men meantime felt inclined to renew the 
dispute as to their claim on the body of the half drowned loafer, 
but by advice of the medical gentlemen the claim was referred, to 
be settled by the man's own lips whenever he should recover the 
use of them. The medical students chafed and rubbed and every 
minute leaned down to the ear of the drowned body, as if to catch 
some favorable gnosis. " Hurrah for Hickock," shouted the man 
opening his eyes just as one of the medical students had withdrawn 
his mouth from his ear. The Hickock portion of the mob gave 
three cheers. " Hurrah for Bill Snivel," shouted the resusciUled 



88 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

loafer as the other medical student applied his lips to his organ of 
hearing. 

The loafer was now raised upon his legs and marshalled like 
some great hero between the medical students and the two mem- 
bers of the Wharf Committees — and borne towards the polls — 
having each hand alternately supplied by the Hickock people and 
the Bill Snivel with the tickets of the respective parties. They 
arrived at the door of the election room with the body of this im- 
portant and disputed voter just one minute after sundown, and 
finding him thus to be of no value, the Hickock medical student 
and committee-man and the Bill Snivel student and committee-man, 
united in applying their feet to his flanks and kicking him out of 
the building ! 

In two or three days the votes of the city were duly canvassed, 
and it was found that they stood for Bill Snivel, 13,000 — for Her- 
bert Hickock, 1 3,303— scattering, 20. Three hundred and three 
learned Bill Snivel gentlemen having, in consequence of their 
limited knowledge of orthography and politics, voted for Bill Snivel 
for constable instead of Mayor ! Herbert Hickock, Esq. was 
therefore declared duly elected Mayor of the city and county of 
New York. 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 89 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON, 



A DEACON WITH A HEART LIKE A WHIRLPOOL, AND A GOBLIN 
WITH A TAIL LIKE A FISH. 

During the close of the seventeenth century the Prince of 
Darkness made several very hot inroads into different quarters of 
the righteous old colonies of New England. In truth, there was 
so " prodigious a descent of devils upon divers places near the 
centre of this province,"* and it suddenly swarmed in every nook 
and corner with such crowds of spectres and goblins, that the good 
people were in a fair way of being ejected to furnish them a settle- 
ment. Never was the devil supplied with so great a variety of 
recruits. The fierce incursions of which I have spoken were 
sometimes headed by one captain, sometimes by another. In one 
quarter, the troops were led on by a Black Man of a gunpowder 
aspect and more than human dimensions : this fellow generally 
skirmished about the edges of woods and timber-lands, clutching 
up straggling old beldames and tame Indians. Then there was 
your tawny-coloured goblin, short of stature, who was sometimes 
seen with a whole pack of spectres hovering at his heels : your 
pugnacious devil whose chief sport it was to distribute dry blows 
liberally about the ears of the poor wretches who came within his 
jurisdiction — your high-flying devil who snatched people out of their 
chambers and horsed them away miles through the air over trees 
and hills free of postage — ^besides a large assortment of menial 
imps, who were drubbed heartily by their employer if they failed 
to do their ghostly work to his satisfaction. To these, were some- 
times added a better-bred class of goblins, who acted as secretaries 
and book-keepers (at a liberal salary I presume) to the devil, and 

• Cotton Mather. 
No. V.--12 



90 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

who had charge of the great red muster-book to which new re- 
cruits were forced to put their hands.* Never was a campaign of 
Old Nick better arranged or carried on with more spirit. 

It was on a night in the year sixteen ninety-seven, and after the 
smoke and heat of the main engagement at Salem had died away, 
that a tall woman about sixty years of age was crossing a stone 
fence in the choleric little village of Rye. It was a still, cheerful 
night in the close of August, and the moon shone down into the 
field upon which the aged woman was entering, with a brightness 
so pure that it seemed almost unnatural. 

Before her lay an enclosed space of about four acres, stretching 
up from the edge of a quiet little brook to the brow of a hill, 
and covered with bushes, shrubs and herbs of every description. 
Near the water's edge a whole company of braggart bulrushes 
thrust up their heads and lorded it over the inoffensive and unam- 
bitious little stream with an air of vast superiority; while around 
these topping pretenders, a few humble water-cresses gathered 
themselves and modestly vegetated and blossomed. Farther on 
and along the fence, a testy crew of blackberry bushes had as- 
sembled and stood wagging their heads in every wind that stirred, 
and near them a malignant poison-vine crept along the rails like 
a serpent. 

As the old woman stepped into the field out of a piece of woods 
that overhung it from the west, she startled a garter-snake from 
the bank and the timid creature, with its light streaks of yellow 
dashed with spots of blue, twinkled away through the grass^ 
toward the brook : leaving behind it or seeming to leave behind it 
as it glided swiftly along, a trail of mixed orange-coloured light. 

" A better night, heart could not wish," muttered the old woman 
as she strided into the field. " But where Dick delays I cannot 
guess : he promised to be about through the village with the 
basket before I could be here by the woods. A slow foot gets 
a fight supper, Dick !" Uttering this sententious saying she 
bustled about the ground plucking here and there a handful of some 
herb or other and laying it carefully in the lap of her gown. In a few 
minutes she was joined by a low, strange-looking young man, about 
twenty years old, who had upon his head a hat which had been, 
perhaps, originally of the shape of a bell but which was pinched 

* For authority as to these abstruse points, consult " More Wonders of the Invi-* 
Bible World" (1700), tracts, pamphlets and surviving aged females. 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 91 

by time and weather at the top, until it now resembled a with- 
ered winter-pear ; on his arm he bore a dilapidated oaken basket. 

" Richard, wherefore didst thou tarry ? — Thou knewest the busi- 
ness was pressing, hitherward : the ale you might have tippled at 
another time !" 

"I have not tarried," replied the strange-looking young man, 
" to guzzle ale in the village nor to quaff of old Zickland's cider- 
casks ; nor has old Zickland's watch-dog held me, as he did the 
other night, by the coat-tail." 

" What was it then that kept thee ?" asked the old woman, 
peering into his face, with a look of considerable anxiety and in- 
terest. 

" No less than that church mastiff, Deacon Brangle, and his 
yoke-fellow Fishtyke, the Elder. They fastened on me with 
tongue and teeth as I passed the parsonage — and demanded, 
whither I was going? for what purpose that basket was meant? 
and whether you was at home to-night ?" 

" A curse be on the tribe !" said his aged companion lifting her 
head up until her bowed form was almost erect, and striking a 
staff which she bore in her hand sharply upon the ground. " An 
old woman's curse light on the meddlesome interlopers, the 
children of Belial that will not let the musty taper of an old body's 
life go out without helping it with a devilish whiff of their piou§ 
breath !" 

" Curse not so loud, if you please. Aunt Gatty," said the young 
man, " the big-eared dogs are not far off, I reckon ; for I saw them 
sneak up into the shadow of the fence, as I left 'em, with their 
faces turned this way." 

" If the evil will hear, let them hear," continued Aunt Gatty in a 
still louder voice in spite of her companion's remonstrance, " 1 
have been hunted like a paynter from Salem to Weathersfield — from 
Weathersfield to Har'ford — through every hole and corner of the 
colonies — and now they would worry me out of this abiding-place 
with their horns of Jericho and false shoutings and clamours at my 
heels !" The wrath of Aunt Gatty now sunk into a sullen silence 
and they proceeded quietly in their labour. 

" It's strange, Dick," she said at length in a calmer tone, " that 
men who spend an hour, morning *and arternoon, one day out of 
seven to tell how much they love their brethren, will harrass an 
old woman who spends her time in doing the same thing without 



92 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

sayin' anything about original sin or her pious intentions — curing 
bodies more nor they cure souls, I'll warrant !" " It's the cock 
that mounts the fence and splits his throat with crowing that 
lays no eggs, you know. Aunt Gatty," replied Dick, with a 
subdued laugh. " Yes," returned Aunt Gatty, adopting the same 
strain, " and you know Dick, how often deacon crow in the woods, 
visits about, in his black coat, among the birds to see that they're 
all in a plump, healthy condition" — " Particularly 'bout killing- 
time !" interposed Dick. Another brief pause now ensued, which 
was interrupted again by Aunt Gatty's remarking — " I trow, Rich- 
ard here is the finest plaintain-leaf I've found this many a day : 
it's broad enough to kiver any galled horse's haunch that ever 
smarted, or to cure the pinch of the worst witch that ever rode c 
bean-pole !" 

This observation was followed up by a long and elaborate 
lecture on the various uses to which plaintain might be judiciously 
applied. 

" What's this ?" asked Dick at the close of her shrewd obser- 
vations, presenting an herb with a small crooked root, and a smooth 
green leaf something m the shape of an Indian arrowhead. 

" Thou art a pretty fellow Dick Snikkers, to gather yerbs !'* 
said the old woman taking the plant and giving it a hasty examina- 
tion — " Why, this is nothmg more nor less than colt's foot. It 
'udn't take a witch to tell thee that Dick ! Come this way, 
Richard," she continued, sitting down upon a rock in the middle of 
the field, laying her crutch across her lap and placing the basket 
at her side, "it's time that you know'd the properties of yerbs: 
eighteen, last shearing time, and not able to tell old colt's foot !" 

Dick Snikkers at this bidding took a seat at her side, and culling 
from the basket, herb after herb, the old woman expatiated on its 
qualities with a learned spirit. 

" Here's wild yisup, Dick," she said, " you must be kerful to 
tell it from balsam ; which is shorter and more bunch-like at top. 
It has a pleasant smell, and is a very nice yerb, Dick. Well 
should I know thee, yisup !" holding a bimch of it up and contem- 
plating it with a fixed and thoughtful eye, " for they gave thee to 
the poor girl, Maggy Rule, of Salem, that was possest by evil 
angels. They said, Richard, 1 was her evil spirit ! — poor thing, 
she's in Heaven now, and can tell whether old Gartred Heerabout 
ever harmed her life in thought, word or look !" " Hush !" said 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 93 

Dick Snikkers, " I heard some one over there by the sassafras 
tree." At that moment the shadow of a man ghded behind the 
trunk of a monstrous black walnut, which overhung the brook ; 
but the shade of the tree prevented his being discerned by either 
of the parties. 

" Pooh !" said the old woman, listening anxiously for a moment, 
" It's nothing but a dead nut that fell from a dry limb." 

" 'Tis more than that Aunt Gatty, I'm sure," responded Dick, 
" for I heard something cough like a man — and — hark — there's 
some one answering him over here by the elder-bushes !" " I 
hear no noise, Dick ; the moon has put the whim into your head- 
er else — its nothing more than a couple of hoarse crickets playing 
a double tune on their flutes under a sorrel patch !" 

From some source or other, however. Aunt Gatty had been im- 
pressed with the necessity of quitting the spot as speedily as 
possible and obtaining the shelter of a good roof. She therefore 
hurriedly closed her lecture, hooked the basket upon her arm,^ 
seized her crutch, and followed by Dick Snikkers, hastened away. 

The next morning the sun, at an early hour as it shone or rather 
struggled through a single dusky pane in the eastern side of the 
vestry room of the old Rye church, fell upon three men seated at a 
triangular table, each at a side. The silver-mounted cane of one 
of them lay obliquely across the table, and the hats of all three 
hung upon wooden pins fixed about the apartment. One of the 
partv was a middle-aged man with a long, dry countenance and a 
complexion like a mulberry. His coat was buttoned up, in a threat- 
ening manner, from waistband to chin, and about his whole person 
and bearing there was an air of pompous authority. " This 
matter must be looked to," said he, throwing his head back into his 
coat collar, advancing his respectable paunch, and placing his hands 
knowingly under the tails of his coat. " The Lord will not suffer 
the evil to triumph — nor will I. Blessed be the name of God, he 
hath given unto us his inspired statutes ; and as first deacon of the 
Congregational meeting-house in Rye, Philip Brangle, will enforce 
them, even unto the hanging of witches and sorcerers !" 

" There I differ from thee brother Brangle : I hold that witches 
should be exterminated by fire and fagot, for thereby the evil 
angel or spirit is conquered with his own element, yea, even 
hell-fire !" 

This heroic suggestion proceeded from the mouth of Mr. John 



94 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Fishtyke, elder, and a most singular mouth it was, and still more 
singular was the whole countenance to which it belonged. Nature 
from some unaccountable whim or other had seen fit to group all 
the features of Mr. John Fishtyke in the very centre of his 
face : his nose, eyes, and mouth were huddled closely together, 
leaving a very extensive suburb of unsettled visnomy to lie barren 
beyond. The elder's head from a front view was thus made to 
resemble the human lineaments painted in the bull's eye of a large 
target. 

" I fancy not," continued the owner of this paradoxical counte- 
nance, " being dragged twice through the pond by the same cat. 
Hanging hath been tried and found of none effect. Were not sor- 
cerers and witches strung up like onions, at Weathersfield and 
Salem, Deacon Brangle — and what did it avail? Did not witchcraft 
increase ? Did not the lions and bears of hell abound greatly there- 
after ?— This is pulpit-new^s !" 

" I care not to argue the question at this present season," replied 
the mulberry-complexioned deacon. " Hung she shall be — if I am 
Philip Brangle, Deacon — like a dead skunk I" 

" If she be not burned, by the grace of God, I will yield up my 
eldership: burned to a black crust, the foul hag!" 

" I have picked the gallows tree ; therefore disquiet thyself no 
further, Elder Fishtyke !" retorted Brangle. 

" And I have chosen the faggots for her burning, and they are 
now cleft in my door yard — so be at ease !" 

" Thou art in league with the wretches, I verily fear, Mr. Fish- 
tyke : thou so strongly urgest fire, in which thou knowest (being 
their natural element) they may live like salamanders !" 

" Has it come to this !" exclaimed John Fishtyke, advancing one 
leg before the other and dashing his fist furiously upon the trian- 
gular table, while a general conflagration raged in the unsettled 
outskirts of his physiognomy, which gradually extended inward 
kindling his eyes, nose and cheeks until his whole countenance 
was fairly a-blaze. " Ha ! ha! has it come to this, I am colleague 
of witches — am I ? — As true as the Holy One of Israel liveth"— * 
he was proceeding to utter some terrible threat when he was inter- 
rupted by the gentleman who occupied the third side of the 
triangle, who mildly remarked, " Before we proceed to hang or 
burn the accused, would it not be well to have evidence of her 
guilt ?" 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 95 

Here was common ground for Brangle and Fishtyke, who were 
not to be cheated of their victim by the mere want of proofs, and 
they both broke out together. " Did I not see her last ni^ht with 
her familiar, in Lyon's black meadow," said Brangle, " Giving him 
helhsh instruction in drugs," continued Fishtyke, " confessing that 
she was Margaret Rule's evil angel," said Brangle, " and that she 
was the worst witch that ever rode a bean-pole," continued Fish- 
tyke. " What was it she averred concerning the lameness of 
Lyon's colt's foot ?" " That she had a hand in it," answered 
Fishtyke. 

" Pause, if you please, my friends," said the mild man who was 
the clergyman of the care or parish — " What look and person had 
her familiar ?" 

In reply to this question. Deacon and Elder again broke forth in 
a common cry — " A huge black man with hair like white wool,' 
said Fishtyke. 

" A small white man with black hair," said Brangle. 

" He bore an enormous matchlock in his hand," said Fishtyke. 

" It was a slim fishing-rod," said Brangle. 

" Horns like an ox," continued Fishtyke. 

" A sailor's cap close to his head, methought," said Brangle. 

" A long tail behind him Uke a whale." 

" A round-about and tight breeches." 

" Hold, gentlemen," interposed the mild clergyman — "Be seated, 
an it please you. Your testimony differs so widely as to the per- 
sonal appearance of the woman's familiar or goblin, I doubt whether 
it would be possible for you ever to identify the supposed sorceress 
herself. We had better proceed to the business of our care." 

" If you please," said the mulberry-faced Brangle, rising with 
much solemnity, embedding his head in his coat collar, advancing 
his swag-belly and adjusting his hands beneath his coat-tail as 
before, — " If you please : the Lord in his righteous and inscrutable 
providences hath made Philip Brangle a Deacon and head of the 
Rye Congregational settlement. The duties, the cares, the labours, 
the anxieties of that station he intends to fulfil until ' Philip 
Brangle' is indorsed on a silver plate upon his coffin. As to this 
witch — this vile bosom-friend and ape of the devil — if ocular proof 
be not sufficient, is there not enough — yea, more than enough of 
other evidences ?" 



96 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

*' As brief as convenient, Deacon Brangle," interposed the mild 
^yinan. 

Was it longer ago than last Sabbath day," continued Brangle, 
" that I saw her, at a public meeting — leave the church in haste 
and forcibly put to the door as she passed out. The devil had sent 
for her and she must come !" 

" It might have been the cholic," said the mild clergyman. 

" On the twenty-second of June last," resumed the Deacon, re- 
ferring to a gilt-edged note-book that he held in his hand, " did I 
not hear the sound of a trumpet, from her hovel, late in the eve- 
ning, summoning a meeting of witches and sorcerers at tliat place?" 

•' It was the horn of the stage-driver," said the mild clergyman, 
" for I received a letter by the same mail. He was detained 
beyond his hour by a break in the Harlaem bridge." 

Nettled by this summary disposal of his charges, he at length 
exclaimed, as if he expected to settle the question beyond dispute 
in his own favour, by so cogent an evidence — " Do you tell me, 
Sir, that the fowls of Mr. Dehverance Lyon have not been under 
diabolical possession ever since this Gad Heerabout came into 
these parts ? Have not many of them gone off the roost and disap- 
peared, none could tell whither ! What hath become of that fine 
cock-turkey — the pride of his yard? Whither have gone his fatted 
geese and his noble brood of short-legged hens ? Evil angels have 
made way with them, I fear; they have suffered sorely from 
spectral visitation." 

" More probably converted into chicken-pie and roasted birds, by 
Mungo Park, his head slave: vi^ith Richard Snikkers as an accom- 
plice," suggested the mild clergyman. 

" Will you have the woman examined in our presence ?" cried 
Philip Brangle, as a last resort. " I saw her just pass the door." 

*• To that there can be no reasonable hindrance," answered the 
clergyman, " if it be done soberly." 

Thereupon Messrs. Brangle and Fishtyke prepared to sally forth, 
arrest Gatty Heerabout and bring her before the parochial court. 

It may be as well to observe in this place, that Dick Snikkers, 
before the session of the court began, had found his way under the 
floor of the church — lifted a board, and climbing over the pulpit, 
landed himself in a little terra incognita of an attic or garret above 
the small vestry-room in which it was assembled. Here, through 
a knot hole, he had listened to all their proceedings and enjoyed the 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. S7 

inexpressible pleasure of observing the combustible countenance of 
Fishtyke, and the mulberry complexion of Deacon Brangle, in their 
various striking phases. 

» As soon as the apprehension of Dame Heerabout was named, he 
had made his way back into the open air leaped two or three fences 
—stood in the road before Aunt Gatty — and announced to her 
their purpose of questioning her in person. 

" Let 'em question," she replied in answer to Dick's informal 
tion, standing erect and turning her face toward the church — " I 
fear no man, face to face, to answer unto the deeds done in the 
body ; as far as man may rightly question. On to the meeting 
house : they shall not be leg-weary nor arm-weary in dragging me 
to the trial !" Mastering her crutch with a strong hand, and ad- 
justing her bonnet carefully to her head, she marched with a 
haughty step toward the vestry-room. She arrived at the door 
just as Brangle had planted his cane upon the ground to take his 
first step towards her apprehension. 

" How is this, Jezabel !" he exclaimed, taking her violently by 
the wrist, *' hast thou the effrontery to approach the sanctuary so 
nearly as this after leaving it as thou didst last Lord's day." 

" Take off that hand," she exclaimed in turn, " or an acquaint 
tance will be gotten up forthwith betwixt my staff and thy head." 
And so saying she raised her crutch in token of the promised intro- 
duction ; but Deacon Brangle, unwilling to trespass on her kind- 
ness in that particular, speedily dismissed her hand from his grasp. 

The whole party was now assembled in the vestry-room. 

" Gartred Heerabout," said the mild clergyman, " you have 
been suspected of witchcraft by Deacon Brangle and Elder Fish- 
tyke. Whatever I may think of the charges which have been made 
against you, I was willing that you should be examined in vestry 
before you were called to answer for your life to the civil magis- 
trate. Deacon Brangle, you may examine her — temperately, if you 
please !" 

" Woman !" began Brangle^ mounting to his feet and screwing 
his countenance into a hard, inquisitorial expression — " Woman ' 
were you not out last night culling drugs, for hellish purposes, in 
the black meadow ? and instructing your familiar goblin in the art 
of applying those drugs to purposes of sorcery and witchcraft ? 
Answer as you value your soul !" 

" Oh God ! God !" exclaimed the woman in reply clasping her 

No. V~13. 



98 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

hands and raising them above her head in an attitude and- with an 
expression of intense supphcation — " Merciful God I the very 
bread that a poor old woman eats, turns bitter in her mouth ! My 
masters," she continued, dropping her hands heavily upon her breast 
and turning her gaze upon the party about the table — " My masters, 
I am nothing but a poor old herb-gatherer. If to soothe the lonely 
hours of some broken, sick man, with a simple medicine — a plan- 
tain-leaf, a bit of birch bark or a drink of wild yisup tea, makes 
Gartred Heerabout a witch, be she a witch to time's end and 
yea, for aught I care, to eternity's end — if such might be !" 

" A confession as to the drugs," cried Deacon Brangle. 

" Palpably," responded Elder Fishtyke — "What says the woman 
touching the familiar goblin with her in the meadow ?" 

" It was Dick Snikkers, please your worship," replied Aunt 
Gatty, with a smile that betrayed something of contempt, " help- 
ing me gather the yerbs — and I was telling him the yerbs' 
qualities." 

" A fine fable, thou old brass-jawed hag : her soul is in a hope- 
ful way, is it not think you brother Fishtyke ?" said Brangle, 
turning to the Elder, " she exhibits observable symptoms of a new 
creature ! — Poor wretch, thou hadst better recall what thou saidest 
last night about the bewitching of Margaret Rule of Salem ! out 
with it!" 

" May the gracious One pardon thee for this mistreatment of an 
old friendless woman. I never harmed thee — why shouldest thou 
persecute me ? I never laid hand's weight on child or chick of 
thine — why wilt thou smite me with hard words ! I am no witch, 
God knows, but a simple, sarviceful old body with a soul like 
yourself Deacon Brangle, believe it or not as you choose !" 

The old woman dropped her head upon her bosom and sobbed 
audibly and heavily ; and the mild clergyman was so much affected 
by her emotion that he was forced to turn his head away to conceal 
a tear. 

" A soul like Deacon Brangle," cried the vestryman horror-struck 
with the supposition. " A soul Hke Deacon Brangle !— thou art 
fool as well as witch. Begone — -it is folly to waste words in ex- 
amining such as thee. The rope of the hangman will settle the 
matter before sun-down — begone !" 

In spite of the remonstrance and entreaty of the clergyman^ 
he enforced his command by seizing the old woman and dragging 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 99 

her forcibly toward the door. Her spirit was aroused by this unex- 
pected insult and, exerting a strength not supposed to belong to her^ 
she threw off his grasp, and standing proudly erect, exclaimed— = 
" Woe upon thee and thine !— henceforth forever— woe and wail^ 
ing without end ! Or ever the sun sinks, Gatty Heerabout mayhap 
will be beyond reach of judge or deacon." With these words 
she strided calmly and haughtily away; 

As she gained the door. Deacon Brangle, said in a hushed and 
trembling voice, " She is aided by devils I do believe : Satan I 
verily fear wrenched her arm away from my hold ;" and as she dis- 
appeared he lifted his voice and cried out after her — " Avoid thou 
she-devil in the name of God the Father, the Son and the Holy 
Ghost, avoid !" 

As Deacon Brangle wended homeward from the vestry-room after 
the close of the morning's business he discovered Dick Snikkers 
sitting upon the fence of Rye bridge, whisthng with all his might. 

He presented to the vision of the Deacon a very singular and 
novel spectacle, having on the upper part of his person a gay white 
roundabout and pear-shaped hat, and on his nether extremities a 
pair of tight pantaloons, and low, red shoes ; and possessing withal 
a nose turned up slightly at the end which gave a humorous ap- 
pearance to his visage, and a set of twinkling, black eyes that 
kept a bright look-out upon the little, hooked feature just men- 
tioned. Add to this that he now had both hands forced vehemently 
into his pockets, and that both cheeks were inflated with the 
blasts of wind which supplied the clamorous music that reached 
Deacon Brangle's ear, and we may honestly say that he furnished a 
rare and original object of contemplation^ 

" Good morroWj your worship," said Dick Snikkers, pausing 
just long enough in his labour, to utter these words, and resuming 
his musical vocation as soon as they were delivered. 

" Good morning, Mr. Snikkers," responded the Deacon, darken-* 
ing his mulberry complexion with an incipient frown, with the 
expectation of awing Mr. Snikkers into silence or a petrefaction^ 
" You seem to be in fine spirits this morning !" 

" Only a whistling a little for the consumption," replied Dick. 
"Whistling for the consumption !" exclaimed Mr. Brangle mode- 
rating the severity of his maimer considerably — for his curiosity 
equalled his pompousness every day in the week, except vestry-* 
meeting-days and Sundays — " That's a very singular remedy 
Richard/' said he familiarly. 



lOO THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" Not at all, your worship," answered Dick, charmed with liig 
style of address, and throwing a queer look out of the corner of his 
eye — " Not at all your worship — we poor folk can't afford to pay the 
doctor — so we must needs make natur' our mediciner : Now in the 
matter of a cold, Deacon Brangle, you'll obsarve if you was ever 
passing through a lane in a mornin' after a chill, rainy night — ' 
you'll obsarve a bird on the end of every stake blowing it out strong 
through his throat, like a young harry-cane — and what's it for ? — - 
Why they've all cocht colds over night and they're a whistHng 'em 
away !" 

At this profound and philosophical explanation, the mulberry 
countenance of Philip Brangle became amazingly thoughtful — he 
cast his eyes in meditative glances upon the ground — and his chin 
sank inquiringly upon the silver-mounted extremity of his walking- 
stick. 

" It's so, your worship," said Dick Snikkers, " there can be no 
doubt on it. I've heard Aunt Gatty tell what I've told your wor- 
ship more than fifty times !" 

"A strange woman, that Dame Heerabout" — said Brangle lifting 
his mulberry features through which an altogether new expression 
had suddenly shot. " She's always observing nature, I suppose, 
Richard? Night and day, are, no doubt, all the same to her in pur- 
suit of this useful knowledge — is it not so, Mr. Snikkers ?" 

" Does your worship observe any thing green in my left orb?'* 
responded Mr. Snikkers, employing a very elegant species of inter- 
rogatory, which is ignorantly supposed to have sprung up in these 
latter days ; whereas it was a common topic of conversation in 
iEsop's time, between the currant-bush and the gooseberry. 

This question seemed to be so peculiarly pointed and pertinent, 
as to awaken Mr. Brangle's most powerful feelings in reply; and 
hastily converting his mulberry into a deep red, he exclaimed— 
Thou beggarly scamp ! how darest thou lalk in this way to Philip 
Brangle, first Deacon of the Rye Congregational Church. I'll 
teach thee what becomes such fellows : — You are hereby summoned 
to appear before the parochial vestry of our church on Thursday 
afternoon next, at ten o'clock in the morning, to answer for a con- 
tempt of one of its officers," and he handed to Mr. Snikkers a 
printed summons regularly filled up, with his own name inserted. 

Mr. Dick Snikkers, received the document, and immediately 
tearing two circular holes in it placed it in a very expressive man- 
ner across his nose to mimic spectacles and commenced whistling 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 101 

a psalm-tune. Deacon Brangle had cast his eye back to see how 
his decisive service of a church-warrant had operated on the nerves 
of Dick Snikkers, just as that young gentleman had opened his 
concerto in glasses. 

The sight was too much for the pious Brangle, and striding 
swiftly back, he cried out — " I'm the vestry myself. I'll settle the 
contempt on the spot. Boy, I will wring thy nose !" Saying this, 
he darted upon that organ of Dick Snikkers like a pike-fish upon 
a fresh bait. 

" And I'll wring yours !" retorted Dick Snikkers darting upon 
the same feature of Mr. Brangle. Of the two, Snikkers might be 
considered the more successful, as he did fasten upon the knob of 
Mr. Brangle's face, whereas Mr. Brangle merely managed to pass 
his thumb and finger over the extremity of a smooth willow whis- 
tle which hung at one of Dick Snikkers's button-holes. However, 
he performed the whole ceremony on it with the same hearty hon- 
esty as if it had been the genuine organ. Dick Snikkers, meantime, 
pulling away at the real nose in admirable and muscular style. 

At length Snikkers drew off and Brangle drew off carrying with 
him a nose as red as a brick with pullmg, and Dick Snikkers's 
willow whistle between his fingers. 

" Egad," said the Deacon with a horrible chuckle, as he drew 
out the latter article which he had unconsciously thrust into his 
coat pocket — " I believe I've pulled the fellow's nose off. Ah !" 
starting back with a monstrously chop-fallen countenance, " what 
have we here — the fellow's baby-whistle. It can't be that I was 
tugging at this all the time," and an awful sensation thrilled 
through his mind — " It must be — I thought the scamp had a 
strange notch in his nose !" With this last observation he abruptly 
pitched the toy over a stone-fence into the bushes : and hurried 
away meditating revenge and still more resolved to push the matter 
against Gatty Heerabout, in whose plans this irreverent dog 
seemed to be an accomplice. It may be well, however, to observe 
that in carrying his schemes into effect he was doomed to lose 
the valuable aid and co-operation of Mr. Fishtyke ; for that exem- 
plary gentleman had refused to have anything further to do with 
the affair when he found it impossible to obtain a compromise sug- 
gested by him, by which Gatty Heerabout was to be " first burned 
to a crispy or roasted-pig brown and then hung by the neck till 
dead." He therefore broke off all connexion with Deacon Brangle, 



JOS THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

vaunting that he would before long get a witch to prosecute on his 
own account ! 

As the sun sloped toward the west on the afternoon of that same 
day, and as broad masses of its light entered the open door of a 
crumbling cottage, or rather hovel, which stood upon the brow 
of a hill overlooking Rye, they fell upon the form of old Gartred 
Heerabout, sitting in a rush-bottom chair with a bible spread open 
on her knees. The excitement of long continued persecution and 
the sense of insult attached to the charge of witchcraft, together 
with a strong natural sensibility of character, appear to have at length 
affected her reason, and as she sat lonely and unfriended in hex 
hovel, her mind poured itself out in reminiscences of an earlier and 
happier period of life, mingled with bitter denunciations and 
gloomy forebodings of some dreaded event near at hand. 

" The Lord will deliver him that is spoiled out of the hand of 
the oppressor !" she exclaimed, adopting the phraseology of Scrip- 
ture. " He is against thee inhabitant of the valley. Go up to 
Lebanon and cry ; and lift up thy voice in Beshan. Wo be unto 
the pastors that destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture ! saith 
the Lord, Do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the father- 
Jess" — and then she broke abruptly into a different strain. 

" Ah Dick, Dick, would that Enoch Heerabout were now living 
:— he was a comely man, Dick, and would have been a good father 
to thee, and thou shouldst have borne his name, witch's son or no 
er^those were brave days when Enoch came a-wooing : 

Were he as poor as Job, 
And I in a royal robe — 
Made Lord of all the globe, 
lie should be mine ! 

It's a long day that has no sunset — the sun looks blood-red-^ 
what can that mean ?" she exclaimed, starting to the door and 
gazing with a wild and fixed eye upon the declining luminary, 
which was just wheeling its broad and lurid orb into the bosom of 
a tall oak-forest that crowned a distant height. 

At that moment an ominous sound reached her ear — the long, 
shrill whistle of Dick Snikkers or more properly Dick Heerabout, 
followed by the tramp of horsemen and the hurtling, confused 
noise of a multitude drawing near. In an instant more, a large 
crowd of men, women and children appeared at the foot of the hill 
with fiery and eager faces turned towards her, and foremost 



THE WITCH AND THE DEACON. 103 

among them she descried Phillip Brangle with two officers on 
horseback. The old woman stood rooted and motionless on the 
threshold, gazing down upon the populace with a look where 
madness and a certain native heroism of character mingled partly 
in wrath, partly in scorn. For a moment the undaunted front and 
noble mien of the accused old woman held them silent and im- 
moveable, but this feeling soon vanished. 

" Seize the hag !" cried Deacon Brangle, " tie her hand and 
foot — see if she will beard the vestry again !" 

At this order the two muscular and fierce-looking men dis- 
mounted and led the way up the hill, followed by Brangle, who 
had cautiously thrown himself under the protection of this ad- 
vanced body. As they approached the house Gatty Heerabout 
withdrew into the interior and they gained an entrance without 
opposition or difficulty. When they were within the apart- 
ment they discovered her standing erect in its extreme corner 
holding on high in one hand her bible, while the other was 
concealed in the folds of her garments ; a fierce, supernatural fire 
kindling in her eyes. 

" Execute your warrant on her person I" For a moment they 
paused again until Deacon Brangle cried out, " Have her in cus- 
tody forthwith. We must be before the justice ere sun down or 
we will have no hearing to day !'* 

Thus urged on, the officers approached the supposed witch, and 
in an unguarded moment, while her eyes were turned thoughtfully 
on the setting sun, they sprang upon her and held her in a firm and 
apparently invincible gripe. 

"Once more vouchsafe thy strength," she exclaimed, after she had 
recovered from the sudden shock, casting her eyes toward heaven. 
" Once more only ! — Away ye devils !" she shouted, exerting a 
giant's strength, casting the stout men from her hke children — " I 
will render my account to God !" And before they could recover 
their hold she had plucked a dagger from her girdle, plunged it hilt- 
deep into her bosom — so that its point pierced her heart — and she 
fell heavy and lifeless to the floor ! 

Baulked of this victim, thus unexpectedly, Deacon Brangle, now 
gave orders for the apprehension of her accomplice, Richard Heer- 
about ; but he was nowhere to be found, having disappeared during 
the confusion, and he was never after seen or heard of in those 
bewitched and bloody regions ! 



lOi THB MOTLEY BOOK. 



DINNER TO THE HON, ABIMELECH PUFFER. 

It is a fact, I suspect by this time, pretty generally circulated 
throughout Christendom that when an American politician gets to 
be a great statesman ; when he has achieved fame for himself and 
everlasting glory for his country, and when nothing more can be 
done to complete his renown, he takes his — —dinner ! When his 
constituents have heaped upon him every honour — elected him to 
the Common Council — the State Legislature — and finally expanded 
him into that full-blown flower of human greatness — a member of 
Congress — they express their incapacity for any further bestowal 
of dignities — their sense of the utter hopelessness of any higher 
elevation of the man in the esteem and admiration of the world, by 
furnishing him with as much roast beef and salad as he can eat. 
Adroit rogues ! they manage to be present with the great man at 
this his public ordinary and masticating exhibition-^though absent* 

His heavy constituent is served up by proxy in a surloin : his 
loquacious one in a calfs head; and his busy, little, young admirei, 
the clerk or the jeweller's apprentice, in a dish of eels. His me- 
chanical friend comes there in the guise of a stuffed, brown duck 
with its back to the plate, sticking up its rough, hard web-feet as 
if it would take him stoutly by the hand. Thus do his countrymen 
incorporate themselves with the mighty statesman, and enjoy the 
proximate delight of forming the future substance and bulk of their 
idol. 

The dinner to a great man is generally got up by two newspaper 
editors, one lean man with a long nose, and a small boy. The edi- 
tors announce that it is the " intention of a large number of the 
constituents of the Honorable Mr. --^ to give a public dinner to 
that gentleman at the earliest opportunity." The long nosed, lean 
man hires the room, and the small boy distributes circulars. 

A long-nosed lean man — two editors — and a small boy had per- 



THE PUFFER DINNER. 105 

formed their part of the business, and the Honorable Abimelech 
Puffer was expected hourly by the afternoon boat, to partake of a 
public dinner. 

The newspapers were in an agony of announcement and expec- 
tation ; the sun was on fire with impatience ; the streets were lite- 
rally parched and thirsty with suspense. The ticket-holders 
assumed clean collars and handkerchiefs, and a crowd of anxious 
expectants was on the wharf straining their optic nerves and ex- 
hausting their nautical knowledge in deciphering the craft that came 
up the bay, and distinguishing butter-sloops from steamboats. The 
study of river navigation seemed to have become an epidemic. 

Several times the crowd thought fit to throw itself into a state 
of intense and unnecessary excitement. 

" There she is — there's the Aurora Highflyer," said a large vaga- 
bond, who was bursting from every part of his dress, like an enor- 
mous monthly rose. 

" It is the Highflyer — Puff'er's in the Highflyer — I know the 
Highflyer by her pipe and the way she cuts the water — the Com- 
mittee engaged the Aurora Highflyer to bring on Pufl'er and twelve 
baskets of Amboy oysters for the dinner !" 

The great vagabond had concluded his explanatory comments ; 
the mob stood with its nose in the air and its mouth agape, stretch- 
ing foiward to catch the first glim[)se of tlie distinguished member ; 
the Aurora Highflyer was hidden from view by a brig which was 
sailing in the same direction and which kept such equal progress 
as to conceal it for more than ten minutes. 

When the brig had arrived nearly opposite the wharf ; the sup- 
posed steamboat dropped behind her stern and a fellow in a hat-rim 
standmg in her bows, bawled out, " Dash my vitals ! them chaps 
'as cum down to see the race ! Moses and Melchizedec, who'd ha' 
thought it Bill?" This facetious personage, in the ardour of a very 
lively and agreeable fancy, supposed the crowd had collected to 
witness a match between his mud-scow and the brig Caroline. 
which had been advertised m one of the penny papers ! 

At length the Aurora Highflyer did make herself apparent : the 
mob caught sight of a small man with a head like a sphinx, who- 
■very obligingly stood on the upper deck with his hat off" making 
the most singular and condescending faces at a huge, wooden spile, 
and bowing towards the mob. 

The mob were, of course, excessively delighted and expressed 
No. V— 14. 



106 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

their feelings as every well-trained mob does, by an extraordinary 
shout and a still more extraordinary exhibition of hats and caps. 
The great man landed. 

The crowd grew more affectionate and admiring ; they pressed 
closer and closer. 

The Committee were obliged every minute to exclaim, " for 
Heaven's sake, gentlemen ! don't — you'll crush Mr. Puffer !" The 
great man was finally thrust into a hack by a broad-handed mem- 
ber of the Committee in so forcible a manner that he came very 
near going through the coach-window at the other side. 

A portion of the mob, apparently anticipating this movement, had 
planted itself on the opposite side of the hack, and obtaining a view 
of the countenance of the Honorable M. C. as it bobbed that way, 
successfully executed three cheers in a masterly style ; the Com- 
mittee mounted in — the door closed, and the hack dashed up the 
street. When they arrived at the saloon, where the dinner was in 
waiting, they found the doors surrounded by a dense throng who 
had assembled to take measure of Mr. Puffer's person with their 
eye and greet him with their most sweet voices. His foot had no 
sooner struck the pavement than a general " Hurrah ! for Puffer !'* 
split the air, and gave an old woman who was sitting in a window 
across the way, a very vivid idea of a small earthquake. " Nine 
cheers and an onion, for Puffer !" shouted a discordant gentleman 
of the opposite politics. 

" Give him a smellin'-bottle — the little gentleman's a-fainting !" 
bawled a second, as Mr. Puffer turned pale at the thought of 
forcing his way to the door through the well-packed mass of 
people. 

" Fan him with a chip !" cried a third. 

" Loosen his corsets !" shouted a forth. 

By dint of the active exertions of twelve police-officers with 
heavy sticks, and four private friends of Mr. Puffer's, who maw?Jied 
before him kicking the mob on the shins, the Honorable Abime- 
lech Puffer was at length safely landed in the room provided for 
his reception, with the loss of only one gold key out of the bunch 
at the end of his watch-chain, and one Committee-man, who 
swooned at the presentation of a butcher-boy's fist directly under 
his nose, and was obliged to be carried home, 

Meantime the ticket-holders had rushed into the saloon, and 
prganized themselves by calling a man with a small voice to the 




^jDjD a rilzo7L of the .Man .^.Puffer . 

p. 107: 



THE PUFFER DINNER. 107 

chair, and appointing fourteen vice-presidents, each one of the four- 
teen having a pair of bushy whiskers, and a gold chain slung like a 
bandit's carbine-belt over his breast. Only a single difficulty 
arose in arranging the meeting to the entire satisfaction of every 
one in it, and that was simply that the room was intended to hold one 
hundred and fifty, and exactly three hundred purchasers of tickets 
were present. If they should attempt to foist off upon them the 
amount of dinner they were accustomed to serve up to the num^ 
ber which the room held alone, it was quite clear that some one 
hundred and fifty good manly voices would be raised to the tune 
of " Give me back my dollar !" These three hundred gentlemen 
being concentrated in so moderate a space, it was rather difficult 
to decide by what process the Honorable Abimelech Puffer was 
to be established in the chair left vacant for him at the right hand 
of the President. In fact, this very question came up for discus^ 
sion in the reception-room. 

A subdued stamping, like that given at the theatre for the per^ 
formers to come on, was heard from the saloon and considerably 
accelerated the deliberations of the Committee. Time was pressing, 
The dinner was spoiling. The Hon. A. Puffer began to grow 
black in the face. A messenger was sent round to learn whether 
a passage could be made or obtained through the main entrance 
He returned, and almost breathless with haste and horror, reported 
that the fat twins (two celebrated and eminent feeders) were at the 
door, clamouring to be admitted with their tickets. The Commit- 
tee now began -to despair, when a little man timidly suggested tha*" 
Mr. Puffer might be got in, if he would consent, under the stage 
by the way which the waiters adopted to hand up their wine to 
those on the platform. Two of the most influential members of 
the Committee ventured to break it to Mr. Puffer. 

At first he was staggered, but recovering from the shock, and 
after a brief consultation with his appetite, he agreed to practice the 
device. 

A rumour now reached the saloon that Mr. Puffer was approaching. 
The three hundred hungry gentlemen were awed into silence, and 
every eye was turned eagerly toward the door of the Committee^ 
room, when — unexpected vision — a head — a good sized Sphinx- 
like head, was put out of a trap-door immediately behind the Presi- 
dent's chair. Astonishment seized the three hundred ticket-holders. 
The head smiled. It was discovered, by some half dozen among 



108 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

the meeting, to be the head of the Honorable Abimelech Puffer. 
The meeting shouted: the head smiled again. The meeting 
cheered ; the head was followed by a pair of spare, withered legs 
and the Honorable Abimelech Puffer stood before them. 

The Committee under the platform, hurra'd and thumped the 
boards with their canes, as if they were overjoyed at its successful 
dehvery of so great a birth. The rumbling noise under the stage 
and the sudden appearance of the distinguished M. C. made it 
seem as if the earth had gaped like another whale, and cast up from 
its bowels a second Jonah : a very prophet. 

Now that Mr. Puffer was duly installed in his place of honour, 
the dinner commenced after a vigorous fashion. Sundry gentle- 
men in the body of the saloon, appeared to adopt Mr. Puffer's 
countenance as a sort of seasoning for their dishes; for they stole 
a glance at his expressive features and then took a mouthful ; a 
second glance, a second mouthful, and so on to the end of the 
course. It gave a relish to their viands. Mr. Puffer, himself, fed 
in gallant style. About him in a semi-circle — a kind of reverential, 
Druid's stone-arrangement — the choicest dishes were assembled 
A private letter had been addressed to him at Washington by a 
confidential friend to learn whether he preferred fresh shad or trout . 
and also conveying a general inquiry as to the game, wines &c., 
which would be most agreeable. In reply, he returned a double 
epistle written twice across giving full and explicit information. 
With that important state document in their hands, a committee of 
three had made a circuit of the markets, and been guided by it as 
strictly and peremptorily as its author professed to be by the 
sacred charter of the Constitution. 

The tour of all these edibles Mr. Puffer made with the so- 
lemnity and thorough self-devotion which befitted the occasion. 
In his victorious progress he spared no dish ; he entered into no 
truce or compromise with fish, flesh or fowl : he refused, with a 
sturdy love of self-enjoyment, to negotiate with any thing that 
stood before him whatever winning shape it might assume. 

It was a glorious spectacle to behold Abimelech Puffer at his 
dinner. No wonder, three hundred human beings were willing to 
be packed, like damaged dry goods, into a small saloon. No 
wonder they volunteered a dollar a piece to get in. No wonder 
they patiently endured the heat and suffocation—in truth, almost 
purgatorial, of a close, narrow room ! Abimelech Puffer at his 



THE PUFFER DINNER. 109 

dinner was a sight Jupiter might have left his thunder, and 
Bacchus his cups to look upon. 

Extravagant and improbable as it may seem, the Honorable 
Abimelech Puffer did at length finish his dinner — he absolutely- 
brought it to a close ! The wine was then introduced. The Presi- 
dent thereupon arose, and, in his peculiarly small voice, said that 
*' he felt himself highly honoured" — "Louder!" shouted an impudent 
fellow who had stolen an advance upon the meeting, of three 
glasses, " he felt himself highly honoured in being the instrument 
to convey to that respectable and intelligent audience, a sentiment 
which he knew would meet a cordial response in the bosom of 
every gentleman present. In presenting it, he should say no more 
than to simply add that the subject of it was a patriot, a scholar, an 
orator and a citizen, unrivalled in the four quarters of the 
globe, (cheers.) As a patriot he had given his time to his 
country for the last twenty-five years, at the very moderate rate of 
eight dollars per day (enormous applause) ; as a scholar, his pam- 
phlet on the Tonawonda system of cultivating the prairies, had 
gained him immortal honour throughout the whole State of New 
York (ecstatic vociferations) ; as an orator, his great speeches on 
the Panama mission and on the question of conducting the debates 
in both houses of Congress in the Iroquois, have placed him in an 
enviable position before the world, beside Demosthenes and Cicera 
(hysterical hurrahs) ; as a citizen, you all know him, and love io 
know that his manly form is the growth — -a true native plant — of 
your own soil !" At the close of this catalogue of Mr. Puffer's 
excellencies irrepressible cheers broke out, like an erysipelas, all 
over the meeting. The native plant, however, sate rooted to its 
chair very quiet and self-composed under this pleasant irrigation j 
or rather his face seemed to bud forth certain complacent smiles 
and twinklings which shot about his eyes and the corners of his 
mouth, like garden fire-works. 

" Gentlemen," continued the President in his small, small voice, 
" I have the honour to offer you, the honorable abimelech 
PUFFER. The phoenix of his party, he springs," " louder !" 
shouted the impudent fellow again, " The phoenix of his party he 
springs" — "louder f" cried the inexorable, impudent man, " I can't,'* 
exclaimed the President, pale with smothered rage : nevertheless he 
proceeded, " he springs from the ashes of corruption which sur- 
round him, and, like Hercules tears bis" (sh-i-r-t suggested the 



110 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

impudent, drunken man as the president paused in doubt over hi^ 
paper) " his De-janeiras garment from him and springs into the 
flame to save his country." 

This admirable and explicit toast was received with unbounded 
demonstrations of applause, and in about two minutes after they 
had subsided, the meeting took to their bottles and Mr. Puffer to 
his legs. 

" Fellow-citizens," said he, calmly withdrawing a large ban- 
danna from his left coat-pocket, " no event of my life is more grati- 
fying to me than this reception : it is the proudest— the very 
proudest moment of my existence. The sentiment which you 
have had the kindness to receive so warmly— is only too compli- 
mentary, too flattering. To be a phoenix under any circumstances^ 
gentlemen, must be highly gratifying to any man's feelings, but to 
be the phoenix of the party of which I am a humble advocate, is 
an honour too great— -too overwhelming for any human being. I 
thank you, Mr. President and fellow-citizens, for the kind compli- 
ment, I thank you with all my heart, and from the bottom of my 
heart— but I feel— I fear— I am not sure but that I am unworthy 
of the eulogy." He then proceeded to handle the allusion to Her-^ 
Gules in a similar manner, and in due time came to his system—^ 
the great system of which he was the father and promulgator. 
" As to the system which I have had the honour to advocate — for 
the last tliree years — and which I have at length succeeded in car- 
rying through both Houses of Congress by a triumphant majority 
(cheers). I allude to the system of Short Commons (continued 
cheering) ; the system which has routed beer shops from the Capi- 
tol and banished gingerbread establishments from the halls of legis-- 
lation (vociferous applause) ; as to this system, gentlemen, which 
I victoriously brought to a third reading, and pushed to a suc- 
cessful decision after a hard-fought and exciting debate of two 
days and two nights — I shall not enter into its amazing results and 
consequences at the present time I Its moral bearing upon the des- 
tiny of the world — its influence upon the business of Congress — 
and the support which it indirectly and collaterally lends to the 
Constitution of the United States — are too obvious to require 
explanation." 

Here the fourteen vice-presidents sprang upon their legs in a 
body and cheered in magnificent style — a fat reporter in a small 
gallery behind the speaker grinned — the meeting clamorously 



THE PUFFER DINNER. Ill 

hurra'd — and an elderly gentleman who couldn't get a seat and 
wanted exercise, put his hat upon his cane and whirled it around 
in the air, in a most fascinating manner. 

" Mr. President, in urging this great measure upon Congress, I 
invoked the spirit of liberty to come to my aid— I felt it my duty 
to invoke that spirit ; I called upon the fathers of the Revolution 
to appear before me, to stalk forth in their grave-clothes upon the 
floor of the House and animate me in the glorious cause." At this 
moment a noise of cracked bells and harsh voices from without 
volunteered to mingle itself with the sound of the speaker's elo- 
quence. " * Appear before me,' I exclaimed," continued Mr, 
PuiTer, " ' ye heroes and sages, in your funeral shrouds and 
ghastly visages, and infuse the vigour of your presence into my 
bosom !' " A tumult was heard at the door — a slight crash, as if a 
panel or two were resigning their places in the door-frame — an 
officer's voice was raised in the uproar — and a dozen or two hard 
featured fellows rushed in — followed by a miscellaneous ihrong.- 
They distributed themselves quietly through the gallery, and the 
speaker, somewhat astonished at this rough parenthesis in the pro- 
ceedings — continued, suddenly abandoning the track of apostrophe^ 
which he perhaps thought had been full speedily and promptly 
answered. 

" My learned friend," said he, smiling upon the small-voiced 
President, "has spoken of me, in terms of kind commendation, as 
a patriot, a statesman and an orator. But, gentlemen, whatever 
gratification it may afford me to know that I have been able in my 
time and in the course of my life to render some service to my 
country in these capacities (" Cut that man's head off!" shouted 
the impudent man, who was in his fifth bottle) ; I feel — I know 
that my deepest source of satisfaction-^that which gives me most 
consolation and solace, is that amid all the corruptions and debauche- 
ries of party, I have been enabled to sustain my purity and remain 
an honest man !" An uproar of applause now burst from every 
quarter of the room, sHghtly seasoned and qualified however by 
the voice of a big, pale man in the gallery. 

" Pay me for them Wellingtons you've got on, Puffer !" shouted 
the big, pale man, who appeared to be a cobbler, from his com- 
plexion and the earnestness with which he demanded an equivalent 
for the nether integuments of IMr. Puffer's person. 

" The character of our country, fellow-citizens," continued 



112 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Puffer, again rapidly abandoning his train of remark to get on less 
perilous ground — " The character of our country has been to me a 
source of anxious attention." 

" I'd like to have you settle for those plushes and silk vesting !'* 
modestly suggested a little tailor who was leaning over the railing- 

" This principle I brought from my cradle and shall carry to my 
grave — sustaining it here and everywhere while life is granted me." 

" Couldn't you arrange our small bill for groceries, Mr. Puffer," 
shouted the impudent man, who proved to be the out-door partner 
of the firm of Firkin & Muzzy, retail grocers — " It's been running 
more than four years." 

This was too much for the admirers of the Hon. Abimelech 
Puffer — " Turn him out— hustle him !" shouted fifty voices all 
at once. 

" Pass him down !" 

Now when it is considered that the doomed man had established 
himself in the remote upper corner of the room, and that the door 
through which he was destined to make his exit was at the oppo- 
site extremity, it will be readily perceived how pleasant a prospect 
of travel Mr. Muzzy might reasonably indulge in. 

An assemblage of human beings is often compared to a sea. 

Boisterous and dreadful indeed, was the ocean on which the ill- 
fated Muzzy was now embarking. God assoil thee, poor man ! if 
thou passest safe through yonder narrow straits, ycleped, the 
outer door ! 

" Pass him down !" shouted a dozen voices at the lower end of 
the room. 

In a trice, the call was answered by the sudden elevation of Mr. 
Muzzy some six feet in the air. Being let down by this billow he 
fell into a horrible vortex of stout-handed men, who whirled him 
round and round, and then yielded him to- the current which set 
toward the door. He next struck in a gulf-stream of muscular 
fellows, who hurried him forward at something like fifteen knots 
an hour. Thus he pitched from one raging wave to another, 
sometimes being borne toward the right wall and sometimes 
toward the left, as the fanciful humour of the channel varied. 
Sometimes he landed among a party of quiet, elderly gentlemen 
over their wine, where he rested a moment, as it were, between 
two breakers, and looking around him with pallid visage, thought the 
tempest was past. In a second, the gale would spring afresh, and 




^■fi.§ 



The hus-Hniij of Muzzy of'lhe {nra ofFukui 4 Muzzy ,, . 



THE PUFFER DINNER. 113 

he would be clutched up, and vexed dreadfully between two tides 
which both set against him with rapacious fury. At length he 
was caught up by a mighty billow, in the shape of two master 
bakers and a brewer, and dashed through the dangerous gut 
towards which he had been making such perilous progress. On 
taking an observation, he discovered that he was stranded on the 
curbstone, with his timbers considerably loosened and his rigging 
damaged. In fact, he found himself in a round jacket (instead of a 
long tail dress coat, in which he had entered) and frightened half 
out of his wits. Without stopping to fabricate any moral reflections 
on the event or to calculate the extent of his loss, he made a very 
rapid pair of legs down the street. 

The Honorable Mr. Pufl*er resumed, and continued without 
further interruption to entertain the assemblage with an able and 
eloquent address, in which ihe words — my country — patriotism — = 
our free institutions — (three cheers)^down to our posterity — ' 
received from our ancestors— (applause)— humble advocate — - 
public career — the Constitution — the glorious Constitution — (six 
cheers) — enemies of human freedom trampled under foot (nine 
cheers) — occurred at regular intervals variegated with allusions to 
the personal determination of the speaker to stand by his princi- 
ples, and all that. The Honorable gentleman sustained an even 
flight of this kind for about two hours, during which the fat reporter 
in the small gallery took the liberty to cultivate his somnolent 
powers with no despicable degree of vigour and enthusiasm. 

Mr. Puffer was proceeding to introduce his peroration with nine 
apostrophes to liberty, and four distinct and astounding interroga- 
tories to the crowned heads of Europe, when, suddenly and without 
notice the gas-lights extinguished themselves in a body. Upon 
this several clear and musical yells were raised by the hard* 
featured gentlemen in the gallery, and innumerable missiles began 
to be distributed pretty freely through the saloon. From the 
number that reached the Honorable Abimelech Puffer, that gen- 
tleman formed a sudden conception that he was becoming the 
general centre of attack, and that the whole meeting had risen to a 
man and was bestowing its favours upon his person. 

The Committee having likewise arrived at a somewhat similar 
conclusion, they thought it came within their powers to smuggle 
the person of Mr. Puffer through the door in the platform — and 
they accordingly did so, with such a degree of precipitancy as to 

No. Y— 15, 



114 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

draw the port-wine-coloured coat which he had on, entirely over 
his majestic features. The small-voiced president they threw in 
to make sure that all was packed snug below. The rioters not 
having learned the abduction of the honorable gentleman, continued 
to play their missiles towards the spot which he was supposed to 
be occupying, until at length a mis-directed bottle struck the fat re- 
porter directly upon the nape of the neck and sent him home to write 
out the speech he had and had not heard — to say that " every thing 
weni off in capital style" — that "the address of the Hon. Mr. Puffer 
was brilliant and thrilling, and surpassed all his previous masterly 
efforts"-=-and to have a mustard-plaster applied to his occiput ! 
Champaigne-bottles, wine-glasses and broken noses, were meantime 
dealt about with the most astonishing prodigality in the body of 
the saloon, till daylight looked in at the windows — when the survi- 
vors adjourned. 

Two of the Committee of reception, who had become personally 
responsible for the bills, on looking over the account which was 
handed in the next morning, and in which, " to breakage" — — 

doz. Champaigne-glasses ; doz. wine-bottles, (bestgreen glass) ; 

fifty window-lights ; gas-fixtures ; one large chandelier (entirely 
destroyed) ; figured conspicuously — and on receiving a note from 
the fat reporter, stating that he should immediately commence an 
action of damages for " the disablement of two arteries and one 
spinal marrow," unless some satisfactory arrangement was made — 
absconded. 

When it is suggested that they left behind them two tailor's bills 
— a running account with a butcher and baker a-piece — and no 
chattels real or personal, save two or three walking-sticks and 
seven small children, it will be at once conjectured how enchant- 
ing a prospect there was of these new demands being met by cash 
payments ! 



tHE druggist's wife. 115 



THE DRUGGIST'S WIFl!. 

Harvey Lamb was a poor druggist in the city. He was very 
poor — his life ebbed on in a meagre channel, with a scanty tide 
that barely kept him from sinking. He was not born poor, nor 
had he become poor through unthrift or improvidence, but by one 
mischance and another — a misfortune — a loss at sea — an unex- 
pected turn of events, he had been gradually brought down the fair 
mountain-side into the low vale of sorrowful and barren poverty^ 
where he now dwelt. Whatever of flickering splendour — of past 
,pomp or glory of condition had been left to him after all this, sick- 
ness, like a hard creditor, had stepped in and with her pale, slow, 
but inevitable hand, swept from the stage. The lights were 
extinguished — the curtain was torn down — the scenery (which, in 
Iruth, had been to him scarcely more than imaginary) — the fairy 
colouring and decoration of his boyhood, were vanished from his 
view. He was very poor, but not without consolation. His trea- 
sury of mere money, it is true, was exhausted — but there was one 
that presided over the exchequer whose resources scarce ever 
ran low. Fancy^ a true poet's fancy, made a noble lord of 
the mint. She was ever ready to meet his demands — smilingly ta 
give him bills and drafts (such as they were) upon the future. It 
was sufficient luxury for Harvey Lamb to live under the bounty of 
this generous dispenser. Grant him but hfe — life in its poorest, 
frailest form — and the free indulgence of his fanciful humour — and 
he was content. In the dungeon or the prison, he would have 
slept at ease — give but Fancy, sweet, radiant creature— for his 
jailer ! He would ask no wider limits, than she could grant. He 
was very poor— but he had a faithful, fond wife. Mary Lamb 
was all that the wife of such a man should be. She was not a copy 
of her husband in every quality : her faculties were not necessarily 
matched, head and head, with his. On the contrary, Mary Lamb/ 



116 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

was, as it were, a continuation of Harvey Lamb — a pleasant sup- 
plement almost equalling in value the original volume itself — ^iii 
which, whatever was dark in the first, was cleared up — whatever 
obscure, expounded — whatever weak, strengthened and sustained. 
She was just what a wife should be — ^not a rival to her husband — 
for that would be harsh and unmeet — a source of jarring discords 
and unfriendly sounds — but a sweet possessor of other powers — 
some lighter, some deeper — by which the double joy — the twin 
being of wedded life, was made complete. Oh ! what a blessing is 
poverty, to spirits like these ? It wrought upon them its trium- 
phant miracles : It revealed to them the great secret how all-in-all 
two beings may be to each other, when they become nothing to the 
world, and the world is nought to them : for poverty, like fame, 
holds a trumpet in her hand, and with it summons from the breast 
the noblest strength and kindliest feeling of our nature. From the 
deep places of the heart great emotions — heaven-like attachments 
come flocking to the call of its sad music hke sea-nymphs from 
the vast ocean, at the sound of " Triton's wreathed horn !" 

Harvey Lamb, with his wife, lived in an obscure street, in a 
single small room, in the front of which he kept his little shop — a 
scanty assortment of drugs and vials. This was their only 
source of revenue. The business which was there carried on was 
of the most trifling sort ; a fanciful, old neighbour, would now and 
then send over for a pennyworth of saffron for her canary-bird, or 
a dry, shrug-shouldered Frenchman up the street, would send down 
for a little brimstone for his dog — or, heaviest of his professional 
undertakings, he would be called upon to bleed an apoplectic 
alderman, who lived round the corner, fronting the Square. Thus 
year after year passed away. Harvey Lamb heard the din and 
tumult of the money-making world, but remained unmoved. 
Strange man ! he saw the rich merchant crash by in his equipage, 
his face all wrinkled with care and erect with importance, and yet 
felt no ambition to take the road for wealth, to pant upon the 
course for the prize of plate ! 

Poor fool ! he sate behind his counter scribbling poetry or 
dreaming it. 

At length Harvey Lamb, was taken sick. At first it was mere 
weakness ; but in a short time it assumed the pale-red guise of a 
decline. He was brought to his bed and bound there by the 
disease : and yet it was wonderful how Fancy still held her sway 



THE druggist's WIFE. 117 

— wearing her crown of flowers and waving her ivied sceptre with 
the same gaUiard and daring air, as in his hour of perfect health. 
His ihoughts ran more sparkling than ever ; his dreams were more 
populous with golden creatures ; his visions came to him, freighted 
more and more with the perfume of the pleasant world of Faery. 

"Mary," said he, one morning to his wife, who stood by his bed- 
side, ministering to his illness — " Mary, I shall leave you no child as 
a legacy by which to remember me ! When I depart, you will be 
alone in the world — alone without friend or comforter !" 

" Oh ! talk not so, my dear husband ! Talk not so, you are child 
and father to me now, and I trust will remain so, ever and ever 
while we are on the earth. Tinge not your thoughts my dear 
Harvey with these sad colours of death !" She sank upon his face, 
and bestowing upon his lips a holy, fervent kiss, she sate down in 
a chair and wept. 

" This is folly, Mary,'" answered her husband, " utmost folly, 
I fear not death : why should you. Nothing can be pleasanter 
and sweeter than death. To lie down in a retired, country grave- 
yard, in a cheerful sleep, like that which the violets enjoy before 
ihey show their glad, fragrant faces upon the earth ; to listen with 
a calm ear — if the dead may listen — to the thousand, busy sounds 
that Nature makes along the round surface of the globe, to hearken 
to these — the faint, gentle whisper of the spring grass, as it first 
shoots from the mould (noise heard only by dead and immortal 
beings) — the rustling of the lark's wings as he takes his morning 
farewell of the earth — the snake's gliding noise — the cricket's 
chirp — the fountain's bubbling harmony — these are the entertain- 
ments provided for us in our last home ! Blessed — thrice-blessed 
tenement !" 

" Long, long may it be ere you remove from this home to that — 
dingy though it be !" sobbed his wife, taking him by the hand, and 
gazing earnestly and kindly in his face. 

" Oh Mary, fear not," he replied, " I shall visit you again. 
When I have left the flesh, nothing will please me more, as a dis- 
embodied spirit, than to re-visit my old haunts and my old friends. 
I shall come back, you may be sure, to see how you bear your 
Mqdowhood. I shall look into the money-drawer, and learn if it 
has grown heavier or hghter since I left. You must leave the old 
dark sign, with my name on the door, Mary, so that I can find 
the shop!" 



118 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" You are talking wildly, I fear, my dear husband !" said his 
wife, who in spite of her reason, was carried along on the stream of 
his fast-flowing fancies. 

" It will be so — it will be so," he continued, " I shall come back 
to see whether you grow old and sorrowful when I am away — ^to 
learn how time passes with you. I shall visit you in spring, for 
that is your cheerfullest season of the year. You must be in a 
joyous mood, so that I can tell how near like heaven, a pleasant 
face may make a little corner of the earth like this — look !— 1 shall 
return to find how our little neighbour improves with his violin ; 
whether Mrs. Pegg's canary has got well of his new, everlasting 
cold — and to learn whether the moss in the eaves of the house pre- 
serves its green old youth as fresh as ever !" 

Thus the sick man kept climbing an endless Jacob's-Iadder^ 
building pile of fancies upon pile, and descending each time, as it 
were with a face glowing with the hues of one who had for a 
while breathed a heavenlier climate and enjoyed a nearer access to 
the mysteries of the life that is to come. 

The next day after this it was evident that the disease was 
beginning to triumph over his frame. He refused to allow a phy- 
sician to be summoned. He wished to die in peace, with none to 
look upon his face but his fond wife, and no face, to mar the quiet 
scene of departure, but her's. When the discovery of the fatal 
character of his illness first broke upon her mind, she was over- 
whelmed. For a time she was stunned — and then, almost frantic 
with sorrow. But she was unwilling that one so near and dear to 
her should leave the world beholding her agony and distress. She 
would not disquiet his last moment (if she could) with a single un- 
easy or repining thought. 

She restrained her grief and listened in silence, as her dying 
husband spoke of the parting which he felt to be near at hand. 

" Mary," said he, looking fondly and with a melancholy smile 
upon his wife — " Mary, I hear the bell tolling for the departure of 
a poor man. For a day there will be a black thought upon the 
memories of a few kindly neighbours^ — my grave-stone as the 
newest in the yard, will be read for a week or so^and I shall have 
closed all my account with the world !" 

As he spoke, a long, lean, spectral cat glided in at the door, and 
the sound of children at play upon the walk came in through th@ 



THE druggist's WIFE. 119 

Opening — and the beat of a drum rumbling in a far-oflf street was 
faintly heard. 

" I will close the door," said Mary, rising to accomplish her 
purpose. 

" No, no," said he, " let me hear the sound of human voices. 
Let me have all the stir of life without, in its most joyous noises, 
as I leave : for where I go I shall find them all, only in purer and 
gayer shapes. Throw open the door, and the casement too my 
dear, I wish to look upon the flowers in the window across the 
way." 

She stepped to the casement to gratify the dying man's wish — 
she lifted the window half-way up — heard a faint sigh — and turning 
found herself a lone widow in the desolate chamber ! 

That same day, towards the evening, Mrs. Lamb had been seen 
leaving the shop, with her bonnet and shawl. That night passed 
and she returned not. A poor boy, living in the neighbourhood 
had closed the doors and put up the shutters of the shop windows. 
The next day passed avv^ay, and the next, and no tidings were 
heard of the absent woman. On the third day it chanced that an 
uncle of Harvey Lamb's had come into town from the country, and 
calling at his drug-store was astonished to find it closed, and an air 
of gloom hanging about it and the whole street. When he learned 
that Harvey Lamb was indeed dead, he was still more astonished, 
no word of his illness having ever reached his ears before. 

And now that the sad story was told in all its completeness, his 
duty was clear. He had the body properly prepared and provided 
with a coffin and, departing, took it with him into the country to 
lay it in his old, ancestral grave-yard beside his mother, his sister 
and his little brother, that had died many, many years ago. 

On the Sunday of the next week, Mary Lamb returned, her hair 
disheveled, her dress soiled and her face haggard with fatigue, 
hunger and exposure. To many questions she answered not a 
word ; but entering the house and finding the corpse removed she 
gave one loud, piercing shriek, took a small bundle of clothes in 
her hand, and again departed. Choosing a street which led direct* 
]y into the suburbs of the town, she hurried forward as if some 
matter of life and death hung upon her steps. 

Crowds of people were on their way to church, and as sho 
mingled with the stream and passed on, every eye was turned 
upon her in pity and wonder. Some of the more thoughtful and 



120 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

compassionate would have stopped her and inquired into her 
trouble and suffering, but there was that of wildness and mad 
resolve about her look, which too plainly told that she would not 
be questioned, or that questioning would be fruitless. 

The next morning she was seen crossing the fields beyond the 
skirts of the city, having passed the night God only knows where ! 
Alas ! how many poor wretches are there who appear in the morn- 
ing and disappear at night-fall, whose hours of rest and slumber 
go by in unknown and pitiless places! How many to whom the 
sun seems to be their only friend, and who skulk away when he 
has set — care-worn, heart-broken — and hide themselves in haunts 
which the wild beast itself would shun ! 

Early Spring was beginning to gladden the earth, but the poor, 
desolate woman walked on, taking no heed of the sweet-scented 
buds that smiled forth along the road, upon which she was now 
travelling. 

She had left the beaten turnpike for a moment, and taken the 
high bank which skirted close to the fence, and was strolling along 
the foot-path when she saw two or three boys in a tree over the 
stone wall, fixing a bird-cage among its branches. Getting over, 
she came under the tree, and exclaimed, looking into the face of a 
smiling little boy — the youngest of the three — 

" Can you tell me, child, where Harvey Lamb was buried ?" 

The little boy instantly came down, and going up to the ques- 
tioner, took her hand and said, " No, ma'am, but grandfather is 
buried over in that orchard;" and the child turned and pointed to a 
grave-stone in the far part of the orchard, a tear starting mean- 
while into his sad little blue eyes. 

" But Harvey Lamb's grave, child — I must find that !" 

" Grandfather's grave is the only one near here," replied the boy, 
" He died before mother and sister and my two aunts — so he lies 
all alone over in the field." 

The little boy's genuine kindliness had won the poor widow's 
heart, and drawing him to her bosom, she gave him a fond embrace, 
and wept warm tears to think that no such blessed pledge had been 
ever granted to her. 

" There's a grave-yard by the church, good woman," said the boy, 
in answer to a second question of Mary Lamb, " come, I'll show 
you, ma'am, it's only up the road a little ways." 

Saving this, the child took her again by the hand-^led her 



121 

through the bars (which he let down) into the road, and up the road 
they journeyed about half a mile, when they turned down a lane, 
and in a moment more were in sight of the tombstones of a coun- 
try church-yard. It stood upon a point of land around which a 
calm current flowed, lending to the neighbouring graves a type of 
that rest which none but the dead can know. 

The little boy threw open the grave-yard gate, and exclaiming, 
" the sexton's in there now, digging a grave for old Billy !" scam- 
pered oif back to his companions. 

As Mary Lamb entered the burial-place, she heard a voice, ap-. 
parently issuing directly from the bosom of the earth, singing- 
Care not I 

How deep they lie — 
Five feet or five feet ten. 
They've served their time upon the earth : 
They've had their viredding and their birth ; 
Their frolic, holyday and mirth : 
They'll serve their time below. 
Care not I 
How deep they lie. 

On approaching the particular spot from which it seemed to ema- 
nate, and looking down into a pit some four feet deep, she beheld 
a little, bald-headed man, with his jacket off, toiling away, like a 
mole, in the earth. 

" Can you tell me where Harvey Lamb is buried ?" said the 
widow, asking her perpetual question. 

" Not in my yard !" answered the little sexton gruffly, not 
deigning to look up. 

" Pray, sir, can't you tell me where Harvey Lamb's grave is ?'* 
persevered the poor woman, something betraying itself in her lone 
which touched the little sexton's feelings. 

" There's no Lambs buried in my yard," answered he ; " nor 
there hasn't been a Lamb laid in, since old Billy Hubbard's father's 
grave was dug, and that was the first grave that was ever made here. 
And now I'm making a house for old Billy No. 2 — old Billy's 
son. They was very quarrelsome in their lives, but now they're 
a-going to lay next to each other, as quiet as young sparrows. Death's 
a mighty leveller, madam," said the little sexton sententiously,. 
now, for the first time, looking up. 

" Gracious, my dear," exclaimed the grave-digger, as his eye 
fell upon the trouble-worn and mournful features of the poor widow, 

No. VI— 16. 



122 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" you look very pale. Have you lost any dear friend? Old Billy's 
no kin, I hope : if so, I beg your pardon." By this time he had 
lifted himself out of the unfinished grave. " Come along with me, 
whose grave was it you wanted to find ?" 

" Harvey Lamb's." 

" Harvey Lamb's — some old uncle or ancestor's, I suppose," 
continued the garrulous and really good-humoured little sexton. 
" Come along — my wife may be can help you — she's kept a book 
of all the deaths and burials in these parts for twenty years, begin- 
ning with old Daniel Hubbard (Billy's father), and running down 
to an un weaned babe that died this morning of a small brain fever. 
Come along." 

Across the disordered mind of Mary Lamb a hope now gleamed, 
that she might be able to find the object of her painful search — 
the grave of her husband. She was received very kindly by the 
sexton's wife, who, when she learned the melancholy nature of the 
poor woman's visit, immediately produced a soiled old blank-book, 
which she handed to her visiter. 

Eagerly was it seized by the anxious woman, and hastily was it 
examined. " There's no such name there !" said she, giving it 
back to the sexton's wife, with a tone and look as if her very heart 
were breaking. " It's not there — I must begone on my business." 
She would have immediately gone forth and perilled the exposures 
and the damp and the darkness of another night spent in the cold 
air, had not the good old couple entreated her, with almost tears in 
their eyes, to stay with them until the morning at least. She did at 
length — taking her evening meal with them — and enjoying a slum- 
ber (broken indeed with strange images and phantasies of the 
brain) under their roof — but when the morning came she was up 
and had stolen away before any one was stirring of the sexton's 
household. 

Day after day did Mary Lamb ramble over the country, putting 
to every one her constant question. The Death's bolt which had 
stricken down her husband, had pierced her heart beyond all reme- 
dy. From the moment when she had found herself a widow in 
the silent chamber, thought, reason, and restraint seemed to have 
abandoned her — desolate as she was before. The husband that 
she loved appeared to be ever gliding before her, beckoning her 
forward with a shadowy hand, and with that pale, sad look which 
was upon him when he died — upon the pilgrimage she had begun. 



THE DRUGGISTS WIFE. 123 

On^rard she rambled with hasty steps — making herself familiar 
with the names of the dead in every village and country church- 
yard, and perusing the silent pages on which their departure was 
recorded with a mournful eagerness. 

Sometimes, in the different parts of the country she had visited, 
a rumour prevailed that a mad woman had broken into a church 
and carried off the sexton's register. At others, that a wild female 
had been seen strolling about the fidds, or sitting under the trees, 
earnestly perusing papers which she held in her hand, or tearing 
them piecemeal and scattering them along the lanes and high- 
ways. 

One day she came to a quaker place of burial, and entering it 
through the gate, began her customary examination of the head- 
stones, sitting down upon the green graves and reading the inscrip- 
tions, while her face was pale and flushed by turns as hope or fear 
predominated. 

She had at length grown weary and, for a moment pausing from 
the task, sat down under the fence and commenced chaunting, 

In the cold earth my love lies cold : 

Oh tell me gently where he lies ? 
Is it beneath a flowerless turf — 

Or do the blue-bells smiling eyes 

Spread o'er his grave their cheerful dyes ? 
Where buttercups in golden colours glow 

There Hes my love asleep. 
Lie still, my love ! and till I come, 

A calm, unbroken slumber keep ! 

It chanced while she was singing, that there was another per- 
son in the farther part of the graveyard — a venerable old qua- 
ker, who had come there to visit the grave of an only daughter, 
that had been buried the day before. The plaintive voice of Mary 
Lamb reached his ear. " Daughter, why dost thou weep ?" said 
the old man, approaching her. *' I have cause to mourn, for I have 
lost my only child — my dear, sweet Anna, the stay and comfort of 
my old age — but wherefore dost thou, so young and so lovely, 
weep ?" 

Mary lifted her eyes, and answered him with her customary old 
question, " Can you tell me where Harvey Lamb is buried ?" 

" It was of him, then, daughter, that thy verses spake ! Lamb 
— Harvey Lamb — there are none of that name buried here ; but, 
let me consider — there was a Lamb buried somewhere lately. Oh! 



124 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

it was over at Mount Pleasant ! a young man, I think, brought 
from the city — there was a strange story told of him." 

"It was my husband — my dear, dear husband," cried the widow. 
*' It was Harvey — he came from Mount Pleasant— strange that I 
never thought of it before — was it not ?" 

This was the first time that the idea of her husband's being 
buried among his fathers had crossed her bewildered mind, and she 
would have set out for the s'pot at once, had not the old quaker 
delayed her almost by force, and insisted upon her going licme 
with him, and taking rest and food. 

It was in the close of the afternoon, and the sky began to be 
overcast. In a few moments Mary Lamb and her companion were 
within his dwelling, just as, the first drops of the shower pattered 
upon the door-steps. The benevolent old quaker introduced her to 
his wife, and they sat down to the evening meal. The meal was 
finished, and Mary said that she felt wearied, and wished to lie down. 
The old quaker's wife thereupon conducted her up stairs, and led 
her into a neat, clean room, furnished with a bed, every appointment 
of which was as fresh as April snow. Bidding her a kind good 
night, the quakeress withdrew. She had no sooner left the apart- 
ment, than Mary Lamb slipped on her bonnet — cautiously opened 
the door — and gliding gently down stairs stole out of a side-door 
which led into the garden, and hastily surmounting the garden-fence, 
found her way into the open fields. 

The rain was falling in heavy torrents — and a cold, damp, dreary 
night was before the wanderer. Broad flashes of lightning glared 
over the whole western horizon, and the thunder boomed and 
bellowed fearfully along the sky. Now and then a peal would 
begin far off, and rolling nearer and nearer with a heavy sound, as 
if a great chariot were driven across the heavens, burst with awful 
distinctness directly over the head of the lonely woman. A deluge 
of rain followed every discharge, and beat upon her person with 
pitiless strength. 

Nevertheless she steadily pursued her course. She had at length 
rambled into a portion of the country with which her childhood 
had been familiar. She knew every road and turnpike and bypath 
as well as if she had travelled them but yesterday, and was thus 
enabled to make rapid progress on her perilous adventure. Thus for 
many hours she kept on, despite the rain, the hghtning, and the 
horrid thunder. Nothing was before and around her but the dark- 



THE druggist's WIFE. 125 

ness, and yet a great, an animating, and liberal hope lured her on. 
Friendless and storm-beaten she pursued her dangerous path, with- 
out fear, without misgiving or doubt. She was not alone — though 
she seemed to be — for that shadowy form which had been the 
guide of her pilgrimage, was with her still, and with its sweet, sad 
face, invited her forward and encouraged every step. God bless 
ihee, noble woman ! for there will be an end to the weary journey 
— strange — mournful — but lovely and touching. 

Morning at last broke upon her path. The storm had passed 
away, and the cheerful face of Nature was before her. The sky 
sparkled above her head with a clear brilliancy as if it had been 
purified by the flood that had descended. Tree and verdure, bird 
and blossom, bathed in the shower, assumed a new colour of vigorous 
and pleasant spring-time youth. 

The genial rays of the sun shot through the air, and made the 
atmosphere soft and balmy, operating like a well-tempered bath 
upon the limbs, and bracing the traveller for her journey. With 
the new aspect of the morning, a brightness had come over the 
spirit of the poor widow, and she hastened on her way with a speed 
that seemed every moment to increase. She reached a road along 
which she had often trodden to school in her girlish prime of life ; 
she saw the old school-house, and her heart beat with many fond 
remembrances. She came in sight of her own mother's house, 
where she had been wooed and won by the lover of her youth ; her 
emotions were almost too great to bear. 

She flew past it ! She reached the old graveyard — hastily and 
tremblingly she entered its sacred domain. Her eye fell upon a new- 
ly erected grave-stone bearing the name of Harvey Lamb. It was 
his — her own dear husband's ! She fell down upon the earth and 
wept ! 

There, for along time, she lay senseless ! At length a passer-br 
entered the graveyard, and looking into her face — for she had raised 
herself, by a convulsive eff*ort, upon her knees, and turned it to- 
wards the inscription — with her hands firmly clasped — he found 
that she was, in truth, dead ! Her heart had broken in delirious 
joy at the fulfilment of her hope ; and she knelt before the plain 
homely grave-stone, like a devotee at the shrine of his saint.. 
With many tears for her sorrow and her beauty, they laid her 
beside the husband of her youth ! 



126 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 



THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF THE N. A. SOCIETY 
FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF IMPOSTURE. 

The friends of the N. A. Society for the Encouragement of Im* 
posture mustered in strong force at the chapel gates at ten on a 
fine Monday morning in the month of April. It was delightful to 
see the number of sharp, shrewd faces that pressed for the doors 
the moment they were opened. There was a stamp on almost every 
countenance that proclaimed its owner a staunch, true friend of the 
cause whose first Anniversary was about to be celebrated within. 

The chair was taken by " our esteemed and respected fellow- 
citizen" Mr. Solomon Chalker, whose long, saint-like visage is 
pretty generally familiar to the community, and in fact impressed 
upon the memories of many of them so thoroughly blended and 
associated with keen bargains and certain sly tricks of trade, that 
it might fairly be considered a stereotype. When Mr. Chalker 
deposited his person in a chair upon the platform, a murmur of 
applause arose from the assembly. In a few brief words he ex- 
pressed his thanks for the distinguished honour, the Board of Ma- 
nagers of the N. A. E. I. Society had conferred upon him in calling 
him to preside over their deliberations. 

Still deeper was his pleasure, still higher his gratification in oc- 
cupying the chair in the presence of an audience so remarkable for 
their intelligence, their integrity, and their respectability as he had 
no doubt was the one before him ! 

He should endeavour to conduct the proceedings of the day 
temperately, firmly and in such a manner as he hoped would meet 
the approval of the audience, the members of the Society, and the 
Board of Managers ! 

During the delivery of this address, (which was received with 
flattering demonstrations) the chairman kept his two hands sturdily 
thrust in his side-pockets — apparently to be assured that his finan- 




' / r'^-U-'j//-f.\// .■ //://<y/^.-/€-f:>/>e/^^-Z'/!// y/'^^'r./:-/'//^////. 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE 127 

ces were in due order and safety — and a very judicious disposition 
of his hands it was, considering the company he was in. 

He was surrounded by the Board of Managers themselves. At 
times too a soft sound was heard issuing from the mouth of 
his pocket, hke the noise of metals clashing and jingling together, 
as if to keep the audience advised that the speaker was a respecta- 
ble man and well-to-do in the world ! Mr. Chalker arose a second 
time and stated that the First Annual Report would be immediately 
read by the Corresponding Secretary Mr. Boerum. Mr. Boerum 
accordingly dislodged himself from a high-backed chair and exhi- 
bited to the meeting a short man with a heavy solemn countenance, 
and unroUing a bundle of papers, satisfactorily estabhshed the mo- 
ment he opened his lips that he had a voice whose tones could roll 
like low, distant thunder — growling and muttering over the heads of 
the audience. The Board of Managers instantly cast themselves into 
attitudes of profound attention, both hands griping their knees and their 
ears turned obliquely towards the Corresponding Secretary — as if 
they had not heard the Report read over by that identical pair of 
lips twelve distinct times ! 



12S THE MOTLEY BOOK 



REPORT. 

The Board of Managers of the North American Society for 
the Encouragement of Imposture, in presenting to you this their 
first Annual Report cannot but be devoutly thankful for the degree 
of success which has attended their labours during the past year* 
The Board of Managers at a recent meeting resolved " That the 
prosperity which, notwithstanding contending difficulties, has char- 
acterized the Society, affords encouragement to prosecute its ob- 
jects with increasing energy." Before we proceed to speak of the 
various efforts which have been made to promote the cause, your 
Board cannot but advert with pleasure to the spirit of harmony 
that has pervaded the different friends of Imposture in every quarter. 
The fconduct of the retail dry-good dealers during the past twelve 
months has been highly cheering and refreshing. They have sold 
as appears by statistics in the hands of your Recording Secretary, 
during that comparatively brief space of time, no less than twelve 
thousand common ten dollar, red shawls at twenty-five dollars 
apiece as actual merinos ! In addition to this they have disposed 
of two hundred and fifty pieces of sky-blue homespun as sea-green 
broad-cloth by the proper arrangement of the light in the back part 
of their stores ! 

Furthermore, so thoroughly have they been animated by the great 
principles of this Society, they have within the last three months, 
by unanimous consent, reduced the yard measure another inch, so 
that their customers are now furnished with thirty-four inches for 
a yard instead of thirty-five as had been the practice for some years 
past ! The consequences of this measure, in the opinion of your 
Board, cannot be too eagerly and enthusiastically anticipated. It is 
destined to create an entire revolution in the manners of the com- 
munity! The male members of it instead of walking about our 
streets in those extravagant long-tail coats and flowing pantaloons 
will now, by this dexterous change of measurement, be reduced to 
small-clothes! And the female portion, who have been so long 
habituated to fifteen yards per dress will now be forced to exhibil 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSttJRE* 129 

their well-turned ankles and snow-white bosoms to the gaze of the 
world in fourteen yards and a quarter short measure ! Your Board 
are very happy to be able to state, that this movement of the retail 
dry-good dealers has been cordially met and responded to by the 
merchant-tailors and mantua-makers. No resistance to this whole- 
some innovation has been made from that quarter. On the contrary 
they have given it their hearty and emphatic co-operation. The 
former, as soon as they learned this important movement on the part of 
their brethren, immediately enlarged their cabbage holes; and the 
latter, the lady mantua-makers, such of them as were single, were in^ 
stantly married and made preparations for two girls apiece to be 
dressed in such fashionable silks as their customers may furnish 
during the next eighteen months ! 

The shoemakers throughout the city, and, as far as has been 
heard from, throughout the State, your Board have been gratified 
to learn, adhere with praiseworthy tenacity to their old and estab^ 
lished habit of delivering their fabrics (such as boots and 
shoes) precisely two weeks after the time promised ! While these 
particular cases have afforded to your Board subjects of the most 
lively contemplation they have been pleased to observe that the 
cause of Imposture is going forward with rapid strides in every 
part of our dearly beloved country. Its standard is planted in 
every road and thoroughfare, and flies from every housetop. Its 
drum-beat is heard all over the land summoning recruits, and ral^ 
lying together the friends of sharp trade and large profit. Your 
Board are deeply penetrated with heartfelt pleasure in being able 
to state that several interesting cases illustrating the principles of 
of this Society have occurred in the intercourse of the United 
States Government and the red men ; and in which the latter have 
been so signally over-reached and outwitted, that it is sincerely 
feared by your Board that they will never again furnish an example 
of the superiority of the white man over the Indian in natural cun-^ 
ning and profound roguery. The Board have had it under serious 
consideration for the past six months to establish agencies and 
branches of this Society among the Indian tribes for the purpose 
of promoting the cause of Imposture and supplying the aborigines 
with the elegant amusements of trade and trickery which are of so 
much more elevated a character than their untutored pursuits in 
the forest. It is the opinion of your Board that the Indians would 
make very good millinerSj deputy-sheriffs and auctioneers. Theii* 

No. Vi.— 17. 



130 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

taste in feathers — their keenness of scent and their exquisite voicet 
would amply qualify them for these employments. 

From reports which have already reached your Board they have 
reason to believe that the great cause in which we are engaged is- 
making rapid progress among the native tribes. " The Choctaws' 
writes a firm friend of the cause, in April last, " The Choctaws- 
have established a fashionable boarding-school among them for 
Choctaw young gentlemen. In this school I saw five Choctaw 
youths engaged in learning the Greek language — and going into a 
consumption. The cause is prospering ; all that is wanted is more 
brandy and more benevolence." 

With these flattering prospects before them your Board cannot 
but feel renewed zeal in the great cause in which they have em- 
barked. On every side cheering and delightful evidences of the rapid 
spread and success of our principles present themselves to the eyes of 
your Board. One source of unmingled gratification your Board can- 
not with justice omit to notice — the vast increase of physicians and 
aitornies. From this increase they augur the most favourable re- 
sults to the cause. Whatever can be done to promote its advance- 
ment by administering wrong medicines and improper advice, by 
purging, as it were, the system and the pocket, and by fabricating 
respectable and not too moderate bills of costs and charges, will, 
they are assured, be done by the efficient and important auxiliaries 
to whom they have alluded. The number of mortgages galloped 
into foreclosure, of consumptive patients to whom stiff cathartics 
have been administered and of children who have been physicked 
indiscriminately without reference to the disease, is truly cheering 
and encouraging to your Board. 

The efficiency and activity with which the Master-Builders have 
Gome up to the support of the cause also requires some notice at 
our hands. From an extensive and thorough inquiry set on foot by 
one of your Board we have learned that a method of building is 
now in practice throughout this city by which one whole side of 
the house is contrived to fall down some morning about two months 
after its erection, leaving the family pleasantly taking their tea on 
the remnant of the ruins. This system furnishes a very agreeable 
diversity in the monotonous course of married life and meets the 
cordial and sincere approbation of your Board. The Master-Buil- 
ders have humbly inquired of your Board, whether the objects of 
the N. A. Society for the Encouragement of Imposture would be 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE. 131 

best accomplished by having the defect in the timber or the brick- 
work : To enhghten your Board they suggested that when the 
timber siirinks, in nine cases out of ten a mere collapse takes place, 
a wall here and there sundering and a floor giving way, but that 
when the brick-work is laid with sufficient haste and feebleness, 
there is a very good likelihood of the roof falling in as the founda- 
tions are pretty sure of yielding. Your Board, with due defer- 
ence to the objects of the Society and the wishes of its members, 
after mature deliberation, decided in favour of the latter plan as it 
furnishes the occupants of the building with a ready made coffin 
and saves the expenses of a funeral. 

Your Board regret to state that in the midst of all this prospe- 
rity a cloud has obtruded : two of the members of your Board hav- 
ing been unfortunately hanged during the past year in consequence 
of miscarriage in two or three innocent schemes; one, a resi- 
dent member, having been detected in an arson of a building con- 
taining a deed of a valuable piece of property given by him, but 
not on record. The other, who was a respected corresponding 
member of your Board in the Great Valley of the West, had the 
misfortune to be Lynched one morning before breakfast, having 
been detected with a large bundle of the " Impostor's Primer" 
upon his person, which he was preparing to distribute. Brother 
Snufflight fell a martyr to the cause, with the certificates of his zeal 
and his character in his hands ! Thus have two of our associates 
been snatched from our midst; in the very prime of their usefulness. 
Brother Snufflight was twenty-seven the very morning he was sub- 
jected to martyrdom as appears by an entry in his journal " Twenty- 
seven this day. Heaven willing I shall consummate it by circula- 
ting the 'Primer' in large numbers — and distraining on the widow 
for the rent of the small brick-front in Scrabble street." Your 
Board have now brought their first Annual Report to a conclusion. 
They think they see enough in the results of the past year to ani- 
mate you to renewed effort. The work truly is great, it is a mighty 
and gigantic one. Contemplate it in all its length and breadth, its 
depth and height — its majesty and beauty : And now that we have 
arrived at the commencement of another official year, will we not 
resolve that our course shall be marked by activity^-zeal-^fury — • 
madness !— yes we repeat — madness and insanity in the great 
cause of Imposture ! " Will we not" in the words of the lamented 
Snufflight " Will we not live, eat, drink, sleep with the mighty 



132 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

cause of Imposture ever present to our minds. Will we not give 
ourselves up, body, soul and spirit, nerves, marrow and fingers to 
the giant business in which we have embarked. Will we not give 
our right hands to the altar whose sunlight has poured its torrents 
upon our benighted minds — that others may also see and be blessed !" 
Your Board cannot do better than commend these remarkable words 
of the dying Snufflightto your understandings, and request you to 
contribute Hberally to the cause of which he was so distinguished 
an ornament, as there is a deficiency in last year's account (as ap- 
pears by the Treasurer's Report) of one thousand one hundred and 
eleven dollars and twenty-three cents. 

In behalf of the Board of Managers. J. Boerum 

Cor. Sec. 

The reading of the Report was frequently interrupted by intense 
and enthusiastic applause and at its close the audience gave a fresh- 
round more vigorous and enthusiastic than ever. The chairman 
now rose and stated that the Treasurer's Annual Report would be 
read by Brother Pawket, Treasurer of the Society, and adjusting 
his spectacles he looked about the platform for the countenance of 
that excellent and skilful financier. To his astonishment the face of 
Brother Pawket did not at once present itself to his view. Several 
members of the Board of Managers now joined Mr. Chalker in the 
search and the eyes of the whole audience were directed with 
fearful anxiety toward the spot from which they expected the Treas- 
urer to emerge. Brother Pawket was not in the house; a lad 
was instantly dispatched to his residence to tell him that the audi-^ 
ence were waiting for him and his Report. In the mean time to oc- 
cupy the attention of the meeting about fifty females in hats and half 
as many males in red, brown, white and auburn hair stood up behind 
the President's chair and began bellowing in concert the touching 
and effective melody " All round my hat," or something that 
sounded very much like it. Just as they concluded the boy came 
runningback and rushing breathless up to the meek Mr. Chalker cried 
out " Mrs. Pawkit says as Mr, Pawkit's gone to Halifax — and sends 
her compliments and hopes the S'iety '11 make provision for 'er, as 
she's left a destitute wider T Mr. Chalker was thunderstruck at 
this figurative announcement of the fact that the Treasurer had 
absconded — the Board of Managers turned pale with horror — and 
gloom pervaded the whole audience. The meek and solemn chair- 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE, J 33 

man however soon recovered the tone of his mind and, rising ao-ain, 
notified the audience that Brother Bibby was present and prepared 
to give them an interesting account of the state of imposture in 
foreign lands. With this, a middle-sized gentleman — with sable 
hair hanging over his back, like a hank of black yarn on a spinning 
wheel-head and brushed back smartly from his forehead — stepped 
forward and smiled agreeably to the meeting. He forthwith threw 
himself into the proper attitude in front of the desk. " Within the 
past year he (Mr. Bibby) had visited Kamschatka— the northern 
part of Russia — Hindostan and several of the Pelew Islands. 
From what he had seen, he was well satisfied the cause was triumph- 
ing in those regions of the earth. Dogs was horses, he was very hap- 
py to state, in Kamaschatka still ; and in Hindostan widows was fire- 
wood. As to Russia he (Mr. Bibby) thought that Siberia was a de- 
lightful place, and continued to have an uncommon number of visiters ; 
Siberia was so solitary and retired like, that it was just the spot 
for philosophers and gentlemen who loved meditation and spare 
diet. The Pelew islands continued to maintain their well-estab- 
lished character for native tact and a certain adroit style of enter- 
ing ships' cabins and coat pockets, which was still epidemical in 
that quarter of the world. But in Siam (continued Bibby with great 
enthusiasm) in Siam, it was that he had been most profoundly as- 
tonislied, gratified and overwhelmed at the success of the great 
principles of Imposture. He (Mr. Bibby) had seen in that favoured 
country, Elephants which would have done honour to this Society, 
to any Society ! He had seen them apply their trunks in such a man- 
ner to the pilfering and purloining of fruit and other articles, as to 
give him the highest delight and which he should remember to his 
dying day. He (Mr. B.) thought this interesting animal might be in- 
troduced into ditferent human employments with great advantage. 
They were possessed of natural powers which would fit them for 
many stations of trust and importance. Why (Mr. Bibby would ask) 
why could not several grown elephants be imported and dressed in 
leather hats and petershams and substituted in the place of our 
city watchmen ? This was an age of improvement and he thought 
they would be very effective. Two or three large ones placed on 
wheels and intoxicated with cold water might be carried to fires in- 
stead of the Corporation engines. He would not suggest at pre- 
sent that any of them should be converted into hackney coachmen, 
although he thought they had a bullying air which would enable them 



]34 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

to extort liberal fare from their customers and they were also furnish- 
ed with large ears to keep off the rain. He however, (Mr. B.) before he 
took his seathadone favour to ask which he trusted the Board of Ma- 
nagers would grant. He hoped he would not be trespassing upon 
their kindness in making this request. He was sure that in making 
it he was actuated by the best of feelings and the noblest of motives. 
(Intense anxiety now manifested itself among the audience.) He was 
confident that he had the good of the Society at heart in so doing. 
While in the lower part of Siam he had seen a white elephant with 
a grave face, throw his trunk gracefully over the shoulder of a mis- 
sionary and pick his pocket of two bibles-^three small testaments, 
a bundle of tracts and^-a gin-flask ! He wished to have that ele- 
phant elected an honorary member." (Thunders of applause for 
more than ten minutes, in the midst of which Bibby sat down.) 

The chairman next introduced to the notice of the meeting Gus- 
tavus Cobb, Esq., one of those tall, shm, high shouldered young 
gentlemen in whose formation the necessity of a body has been 
entirely overlooked and who are consequently described as being — all 
legs. Gustavus Cobb was all legs, and looked like a lean ninepin in 
reduced circumstances. Judging from the slow, drawling manner in 
which he delivered himself, one might have sworn that Mr. 
Cobb had been brought up in the Post-Office. " He (Gustavus 
Cobb, Esq.,) appeared there as the representative of the Post- 
Master General. He was the nephew of the Post-Master Gen^ 
eral. He knew that his uncle was a friend of this Society. 
He himself was a superintendent of mail-routes. In the per' 
formance of his duty he had often ridden with the drivers, and 
from what he had observed he was morally certain that his 
uncle the Post-Master General was not hostile to the Society. 
Attempts had been made to turn the Post-Master General from 
his track. They had proved fruitless. The P. M. General, firm- 
ly convinced that a certain calmness and solemnity should be observ" 
ed in transporting the mails, had not allowed himself on any 
occasion to pass any one else on the public roads. He (the 
speaker) had however seen one alarming case where an attempt 
had been made to fall behind the mail-stage in coming into a post 
town, and which proved successful. It was a decrepid old woman 
with a bag on her shoulder, travelling at a snail's pace on the Mays* 
ville turnpike. 

" What are you carrying there, old lady ;" shouted our driver. 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE. 135 

** The mail !" answered the old woman. 

"/carry the mail!" answered the driver firmly, endeavouring to 
drop behind the old creature. 

"Yes!" screeched the awful hag^your's the regular — mine's 
the express !" And, do all we could, the driver was forced to 
get into the town some ten minutes before the old female opposition. 

From a very extensive series of experiments the P. M. Ge- 
neral is satisfied, that spavined old horses between fourteen and 
fifteen years of age make the best kind of mails. The liberal 
introduction of the use of this animal has had a charming effect 
on the mail arrangements throughout the country. The only 
objection that has arisen to them is that they are sometimes 
too expeditious, and evince a disposition to get through within the 
hour. I have heard it hinted, I will not say by my uncle exactly, that 
to obviate this objection the P. M. G. contemplates introducing 
donkies throughout the department — superannuated donkies. He 
thinks a superannuated donkey mail (judging from the comparative 
success of his old horse mail) would become extremely popular. 

*' The deliberation, the safety and circumspection with which letters 
might be carried by a Donkey Mail would recommend it to mer- 
chants and men of business ; and the regular tardiness of its arrival 
and the slow moderation with which it would travel, would make a 
superannuated donkey mail an object of special favour among 
young gentlemen and young ladies, who are so fortunate as to be 
in love, and corresponding. 

^'His voice (Gustavus Cobb's voice) was decidedly and perempto- 
rily in favour of a donkey mail ! He was convinced that the whole 
country would rise to a man, in favour of a donkey mail in prefer- 
ence to the present post office system !" 

At the conclusion of the address of Mr. Cobb, a lively gentleman 
in a green silk vest and nankeens was brought forward by the chair- 
man and announced as Brother Windbolt — the distinguished Pro- 
fessor of all the arts and sciences, and proprietor of the Universal 
Institute of Knowledge. 

"Sir," said the accomplished Windbolt, throwing back the right 
breast of his coat and delicately inserting his thumb in the armhole 
of his green silk vest, " Sir, I challenge the world to question my 
attachment to the North American Society for the Encouragement 
of Imposture ! My fidelity to its great objects has, throughout my 
life, been kept in view with a steadiness which would make a bet 



J 36 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

of one thousand dollars (which I hereby offer) a very unsafe one 
for him who should doubt my devotion to its interests. Sir, 
it is well known to you, and 1 presume to this community with 
what assiduity I have laboured for the last ten years, to lighten the 
pockets — to simplify the financial concerns of the inhabitants of 
this city. Heaven be thanked ! the startling announcements which 
I have made in the pubhc prints and by placard, of sciences to be 
taught by me in an incredibly brief space of time, have not been 
unattended with success. The incredibility of those announce- 
ments has been my salvation. The very impossibihty of communi- 
cating knowledge as expeditiously as my advertisements promised, 
brought crowds to my door. 

"Ringing the changes along the whole gamut of imposture — froni 
the doubtful— the absurd — the improbable — up to the impossible 
and the hideously monstrous and incredible, I have found the num- 
ber of my patrons to swell steadily at each advance ! Or rather I 
should say that in running the higher keys of the scale I found my 
patronage to increase at an enormously accelerated ratio ! 

" On looking over my accounts, sir, in July last I discovered that 
my profits during the preceeding nine years had been so great as 
to justify my signalizing the event by some public celebration. 
Accordingly on the tenth of August, having provided ample and liber^ 
al accommodations I threw open the doors of my house, and gavo 
(I hope 1 am not exaggerating in saying) the celebrated WindboU 
Writing Festival !" Here the speaker was interrupted by thunders 
of applause which pealed from every quarter of the building, and 
which conclusively testified that the audience there present, consi^ 
dered the said W. W. Festival ihe most triumphant imposture of 
the day, 

" Of that Festival, sir, I feel it my duty on this occasion to ren- 
der some account. We all have a common interest in it. It was 
given for the benefit of our common principles. On the evening 
of the tenth of August last, then, at half past seven, sir, four large 
rooms — in the Universal Institute — two square and two oblong, 
were thrown open for the Festival. In one oblong room were 
stationed on stools at a large counting house desk, twenty elderly 
gentlemen in white inexpressibles and swallow-tails, prepared 
to exhibit in double entry, day-book and ledger practice : and 
an equal number of young gentlemen in blue-roundabouts ac^ 
lively engaged in algebra. In the square room adjoining this, five- 
and-twenty elderly ladies were seated at pianos, harps and harpsi- 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE. 137 

coids. The second oblong roon: was occupied by the ihree Miss 
Windbolts in cottage hats and yellow frocks, representing the three 
graces, with their hair in curl : with a full bevy of young ladies 
prepared to perform various elaborate steps and figures which had 
been communicated in two lessons of an hour each. But the third 
room, sir, held the wonder of wonders — nineteen select youth who 
were to play one hundred tunes ; square the circle ; solve the lon- 
gitude and lunch twice in the singularly brief space of twelve min- 
nutes, by the watch. I will not conceal the fact that there was an^ 
other smaller room, sir, and, in that room that Master Robert Wind- 
bolt (my youngest son) was elevated on a music stool prepared to eat 
gingerbread held in his right hand and scribble away with his left at 
a prodigious rate for any given length of time ! 

The festivities of the evening commenced. Twingle, twangle, 
thrum went the instruments : away flew the twelve couple of young 
ladies in anew highland reel — dash — like so many mad knight errants 
scampered the goose-quills of the twenty elderly gentlemen over 
their ledgers — furiously the young gentlemen in azure jackets 
flourished their pencils — square the circle — lunch — solve the lon- 
gitude — lunch went the nineteen select youth to the sound of their 
own flutes and French bugles. Round and round, like a crazy 
planet, whirled Master Windbolt dispatching small text by the 
sheet and gingerbread by the square yard. Hilarity and anima- 
tion pervaded the rooms: every body was delighted. The great 
festival bid fair to go ofl" in glorious style when suddenly sounds 
of merriment, mingled with cries for mercy, reached my ear. 
They proceeded from one of the oblong apartments. I hastened 
to the spot and there, sir, I discovered a spectacle at which 
I was literally horrified. Solitary imprisonment is nothing 
sir — is a mere luxury — compared to the awful vision — oh that it had 
been a mere creation of the brain! — which met my eyes. Sir — I 
discovered the twenty elderly gentlemen, on their hands and knees — 
running the gauntlet in their white pantaloons, between the wide 
spread legs of the twenty algebraic youth who were bestowing 
inky ferules upon their vertebral extremities. Through the dread- 
ful strait they navigated and wriggled like so many eels with their 
tails cut off; with my astronomical eye I discovered dusky orbs 
floating through clear skies of white-jean which skirted those 
middle-aged flanks ! Sir, there was something captivating though 
still dreadful, in watching those venerable serpents — those respect-^ 

No. VI.— 18 



138 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

able milk-snakes creeping in at one end of their fated maze 
and twinkling through, with nimble expedition, mapped all over 
with pitch-black rivers, torrents and ink-falls ! I had scarcely re- 
covered from the shock of this fearful spectacle, when I heard 
skrieks and shrill voices pitched in a high key, and a confused pother 
and tumult emanating from the remotest square room. Rushing 
breathlessly to that quarter I found two and twenty of the 
elderly ladies engaged in a promiscuous conflict with each other, 
aided and abetted on both sides by large numbers of the elaborate 
dancing misses. I was completely stunned Mr. President, I will 
candidly confess, by this horrible uproar on all sides. I stood 
stock still between the two apartments, where I could look upon 
the progress of events in both, and dialogue and observations like 
the following, fell upon my ear. 

" Go it Jehosaphat ! — Jehosaphat against the course ! There's 
a flank, there's bottom for you my boys !" from the oblong room. 

" This is my third quarter Kate Slocum, deny it if you dare ! 
Pa ! paid Windbolt thirty dollars, in advance, in timber lands at 
Neversink !" 

" My husband had some schooling, I guess afore he was forty ! 
I didn't teach my man his ab's and bab's, Mrs. Duncecombe ! 
no I didn't — tho' some people— you know!" 

" 'Sicore Windbolt says you thought the harpsicord was a patent 
oven, when you first came here ; and told her what a big box of 
dominoes she had there, when she opened the piano !" 

These elegant specimens of objurgatory eloquence issued from 
the square room, followed in each case by a manual attack on the fair 
physiognomy of the speaker, and the involuntary discharge of certain 
facial ducts and arteries. 

" Easy, easy — striped bass ! hard on, Darby — lay on the tiller Jack 
— so, now we're through the Narrows !" cried a nautical voice in the 
oblong room; and the separate directions were accompanied with 
sharp, clicking sounds as of some thin, solid parallelogram of wood 
lighting on a certain quarter of the human body encased in tight smalls. 

"Ten to one on the Leopard! Golly, Joe, he goes it like a tiger 
through a jungle of lightnin' rods!" shouted a second voice which 
was followed by a scrambling noise like that of a body in exces* 
sively rapid motion. 

In this way the confusion and clamour was every minute in* 
ereased. The great Windbolt Writing Festival assumed the gx 



N. A. SOCIETY FOR IMPOSTURE. 139 

hilerating aspect of being metamorphosed into a Saturnalian battle 
of elderlies and youngsters. It is but fair to add, that three elderly 
ladies, who had been taking music lessons at the Institute for 
thirty-nine quarters, were serenely sealed in a corner of the 
square room during the affray, assiduously strumming on a broken 
harpsichord and two single-string harps, with the benevolent 
purpose of calming the agitation of the parties engaged. I was 
also highly gratified, sir, on strolling into the small room where 
Master Windbolt occupied a stool, to find his three sisters, 
the Misses Windbolts, laboriously engaged in assuaging his grief; 
for, as he himself informed me, his gingerbread was all out, — he'd 
got the cramp in his right hand, and the screw had worked through 
the top of the stool and bored his hide and breeches ever so much ! 

After a while the tumult subsided ; the young gentlemen in 
azure jackets had tired of their sport ; two of the elderly gentlemen 
in ink-striped white-jean had rushed headlong out of the house ("stop 
that span of zebras !" I heard shouted in the street sliorlly after 
their disappearance) ; the old and young ladies had gradually sub- 
sided into that dead calm, into which the high winds of female 
passion are accustomed to fall after tempest. Thus concluded the 
Windbolt Writing Festival. I shall leave it with you and with this in- 
telligent auditory, to decide my claims of fidelity and devotion to 
the interests of the N. A. Society for the Encouragement of Impos- 
ture, when I have stated, that of these numerous performers, the el- 
derly gentlemen had taken four quarters' instructions — one hour and 
a half constituting a Windbolt quarter — in book-keeping ; the select 
voulh twelve lessons a-piece (twenty minutes making a full Wind- 
bolt lesson) in bugle playing, lunching &:c. ; the young ladies as 
many in the reel, fling and gallopade ; and the algebraic young gen- 
tlemen seven quarters a-piece in equations, fluxions and trigonometri- 
cal science — all at the unprecedented rate, sir, often dollars the hun- 
dred lessons and five dollars for twenty quarters — payable in ad- 
vance ! I close, sir, by thanking this audience for their kind 
attention, and defying any person present to produce man, woman 
or child that has ever profited a single quaver, or fraction by attend- 
ance at the Windbolt Universal Institute of Knowledge !" 

The speaker that followed Mr. Windbolt was a dark, heavy- 
browed, serious-looking individual who had spent the last half 
dozen years of his life in the elegant amusement of passing peoplq 
to their graves through an agreeable process of steam. " He (Mr, 
Bludgett) had certificates and affidavits by which he could show. 



140 THE MOTLEY BOOK 

to the entire satisfaction of the Board of Managers of the N. A. 
Innposture Society, that he had been in the habit for a good number 
of years past of steaming to death, at the rate of one old woman and 
two small children every week. It might not always" remarked 
Mr. Bludgett, with an amiable contortion of countenance that 
might have been borrowed from the devil's scrap-book, " It might 
not always be a literal old woman and two literal small children ; 
but then the vitality extinguished by him, each week, would 
amount to about that. Sometimes it would be two consumptive young 
men, with tolerably good constitutions : sometimes three sickly 
married females ; and sometimes his week's work would consist 
in disposing of a stout, healthy-looking man labouring under the 
delusion that he was deadly sick. He was quite sure — he was 
morally certain that with a sufficient share of public patronage, he 
(Bludgett) could despatch three grown men and an infant, or per- 
haps he might venture to say, three grown men and a tailor — per 
week. His baths were now in such admirable order — the steam 
was let off, and the fresh air let on — and the steam w^as let on and 
the fresh air let off, with such delightful precision and promptness 
that the business could be done in no time ! He would venture to 
turn any number of patients the Society for the Encouragement 
of Imposture might see fit to place under his charge, out of this 
world into the next, at the rate he had mentioned. If there should 
happen to be a surplus in the Board of Managers itself, he would 
be very happy to convince any gentlemen that choose to tender 
themselves, of the efficacy of his system of practice!" Here Mr. 
Bludgett cast an awful leer upon Mr. Solomon Chalker as if 
nothing could be more perfectly captivating to his mind, than the 
idea of submitting his person to the steam process ; the audience 
laughed; and Mr. Bludgett sat down. with applause. 

The chairman now arose, and thanked the audience for their at- 
tendance and attention to the exercises of the occasion, and named 
the day and place at which and on which the next Anniversary 
would be celebrated. 

Then followed " Anthem by the choir, and collection in aid of 
the funds of the Society !" and the crowded audience dispersed. 
It is but justice to the Society for the Encouragement of Impost- 
ure to mention that a number of tin sixpences and sanded half-^ 
dollars were found in the plate, which were supposed to have been 
put there by the honorary members and friends of the cause, who 
were distributed through the house. 



THE MERRY-MAKERS . EXPLOIT NO. II. 141 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT No. II. 

CONTAINING A CRITICAL PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF MR. BOBBY- 
LINK, AND A DELIGHTFUL AQUATIC EXCURSION WHICH THAT? 
GENTLEMAN TOOK IN COMPANY WITH MISS HETTY STEDDLE. 

Nature furnishes, now and then, a genuine comedy as full of love,- 
bustle and intrigue, as one of Farquhar's or Congreve's. Seated 
by the side of a babling brook that pays tribute to a delightful 
lake of sparkling water, with a varied woodland sloping up from its 
banks, on a fragrant morning in June you may see enacted a gay 
drama, pregnant with lively scenes and noisy dialogue. Near by,- 
on some neighbouring rail, two amorous catbirds chatter away in 
animated discourse, hopping along the fence in flight and pursuit^ 
a precious pair of ill-dressed, vagrant lovers : while, far off on the 
edge of the lake, so that their puny heads are just visible, bobbing: 
up and down, two friendly little snipes are paying their respects to 
each other over a dead water-fly. In a thorn-bush a sweet-tem-^ 
pered brown thrasher hurries through his joyous and flute-like 
song, as if he were afraid ihe day would be over ere he could dis- 
burthen half his music. The love-lorn king-fisher hangs on a dry 
bough over the stream, and brawls in his harsh, startling voice^ 
determined to outroar the current, and keeping an eye fixed 
sharply on its surface : the moment an unhappy fish becomes visi- 
ble this aquatic bailiff springs upon him, fastens a talon on his 
shoulder, and hieing to a retired quarter consoles himself for the ab- 
sence of his mistress. Meantime, far up in the depths of a wood 
in a green glade, a tall crow, gloomy and self-absorbed, stalks 
about — the artful villain of the pastoral scene ; and midway, in 
the crumbhng body of a dead ash tree sits an old owl, with his 
broad, goggling eyes, and the dry, white moss gathered about his 
politic pate like a full-bottomed tie-wig, looking as wise and grave 
as a judge — apparently dehberating in his own fusty mind what 
penalties to inflict on the cheerful creatures that are flitting and 



H2 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

chatting and making themselves happy about him. If from his po- 
sition, the observer could cast a glance towards a low fence that 
runs along a flat meadow to his left, he might discover a sleepy 
night-hawk dosing on the rail, blinking out of one eye and striving, 
like a conceited politician, to make it appear that he sees more 
with his single optic than most people with two, and that *' he can 
look as far into a mill-stone" as the wisest. Over this profound 
thinker a troop of piratical blackbirds are on the wing — hovering 
a little in their flight, perhaps to watch the erudite Sir Hawk 
knocked in the head by the first country boy that passes with a 
gad— with a mill-pond hard by in view, screaming and babbhng 
and uttering all kinds of discordant noises, for all the world like a 
band of roving musicians twangling and sounding their way to a 
fashionable watering-place. To complete this little rural enter- 
ment, in a buckwheat field beyond the lake, a single stout-hearted 
quail sits calling (as if giving the prompter's cue for a favourite 
performer to come on) loudly and enthusiastically for " Bob White !" 
Of course Bob White, although thus earnestly invoked, disdains 
to appear; but Bob Bobbylink is reclining in the midst of the many- 
coloured scene I have described, with Mistress Hetty Steddle, the 
pretty serving-girl at his side. 

They were seated on the bank of an impetuous little torrent, 
with a light fishing-boat near at hand, fastened with a cord to the 
slump of a tree in a cluster of bushes, and straining on its cable, 
with the heady current that rushed into the lake, like a violent 
horse dragging at his bridle. A pair of oars were lying on the 
bank. 

" Come now Hetty," said the fascinating Bobbylink seizing 
the young lady's hand, and giving it a fervent pressure, while he 
arranged his face in a melancholy, half-smiling oblong " Come now 
Hetty, don't refuse — say next Thursday and make me as happy as 
a robin in a cherry tree." 

"But why not wait Robert, till your grandmother is dead?" re- 
sponded the young lady with an arch look, "You know you'll have 
a nice little property then, and that will make us comfortable — What 
odds are a few days or a few weeks ?" 

"Good heavens! how you talk girl! — my grandmother's only 
seventy, and her mother, my great-grandmother — lived till she 
was a hundred and one, within a day. Why they're a regular 
brood of she Methusalahs 1" 



THE MERRY-MAKERS . EXPLOIT NO. II. 143 

"Old women can't live forever," retorted Hetty "and when yoa 
lieard from her the other day they thought an east wind would carry 
her off." 

" You can't depend on that race of old ladies a minute : to day 
they'll be looking thin and ghastly, with a ' good-bye to you all,' 
written as plain as large text on their features — and a whole mob of 
cousins and grand nevys and nieces swarm round the old woman, 
peering into her face like a parcel of farmers in harvest, staring at 
a wet moon : Every one thinking the old lady's passport for the 
next world is made out and filled up. The pretty nieces run over 
in their mind how many yards — she being a long-limbed body — it 
will take for her shroud, and the charming grand-nevys and 
cousins are busy putting out their legacies on compound interest." 

" Dreadful, inhuman wretches !" interposed Mistress Steddle 
with a look of horror. 

" The next day," concluded Bobbylink " she gets up from her 
dying bed and says with a smile, that she can't leave this world un- 
til she has seen some of her great great grand-children (that are 
now infants) grown up and married : and 'gad 1 believe the old 
creature will keep her word ! — so Hetty you must say next week, 
or postpone it till we're both gray !" 

" Now Robert," said Hetty " I am going to ask a great favour of 
you. Do you think you can be liberal enough to grant it, mind — 
it's a very great favour I give you warning !" 

" Anything, my dear Hetty — you can have anything of mine you 
ask — even my life." 

" No, I don't want that — I shouldn't know what to do with it — 
my own little wicked life is as much as I can manage." 

" What is it — ask quick, and I grant at once ! What's the migEty 
favour you desire of Bob Bobbylink ?" 

" To tell the perfect truth without a joke," answered Hetty smi- 
ling " isn't this entire story about your Jersey grandmother made 
out of whole cloth 1 spun on your own wheel, with your head for 
the distaff and your tongue for the spindle ? And didn't you contrive 
it from fear that young Jolton would carry off Hetty Steddle from 
you on the back of his property ; and as you were pennyless, you 
matched him by throwing in a snug cantle of a farm in the Jer- 
sies? — Out with it Robert — don't let the truth choke you, although 
it isn't used to trav'ling the Bobbylink turnpike." 

" Hetty you're a shrewd girl, and you've guessed right,'* an- 



144 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Bwered Bob Bobbylink laughing "If I have any grandmother in 
Jersey she han't much love for her kin, for she's never notified me 
of her existence and Iv'e had two grandmothers buried already. 
That's as many as I'm entitled to by law — 'specially as my parents 
never married but once a-piece !" 

At the conclusion of this honest confession the young gentleman 
and young lady burst into a hearty fit of laughter, which having 
lasted the proper time, Hetty Steddle exclaimed, with an air of 
great seriousness, "Bobbylink!— now what do you think you de^ 
serve for deceiving a poor girl in this way ? Do you suppose I'll 
have you without your property ? in this part of the country cows 
aren't bought for the sake of their horns, but we're willing to take 
the horns because we can't get the cows without 'em. 

"Very well," said Mr. BobbyUnk with a rueful aspect "If you 
can desert me now Hetty — there's Polly Todd will take me with- 
out a copper and bring me hard cash besides !" Robert Bobbys 
link Esqr. chief of the clan of Merry-makers was, by reason of a 
tolerably good-looking person and a sprightly wit, a great favourite 
among the rural young ladies, and the one in question. Miss Polly 
Todd, had conceived a desperate attachment to our worthy. She 
was a professed rival of Hetty Steddle, and the mention of her 
tiame produced a fluttering sensation in the bosom of the latter. 

" What if Pol Todd can bring you a few dollars," she said "per- 
haps others has got money as well as her. There's old Hetty 
Pease is worth twice Polly Todd and her whole generation." 

" What of that ?" asked Bobbylink. 

"Perhaps Hetty Pease didn'tdielastnight — and didn'tleaveallher 
earnings, by will, to her poor good-for-nothing name-sake and fos- 
ter-child, Het Steddle !" 

"You dont' say so Hetty ? — ^it can't be — it's too good to be true !" 
exclaimed Bob Bobbylink rapidly. 

" But it is so," answered the young lady bursting into tears, 
and throwing herself into the arms of Bobbylink "the poor kind 
old woman is gone ! and it's all yours Robert—take it all and me 
with it!" 

Robert Bobbylink, was not a little affected by these marks of 
affectionate tenderness both towards himself and the dead, on the part 
of Hetty Steddle, and pressing her to his breast, and imprinting 
several eager kisses on her fair face he said, " Cheer up, my dear 
girl — all will be right, pennyless or rich — in health or in sickness— 



THE MERRY-MAKERS . EXPLOIT NO. 11. 145 

ril take you Hetty — as to Mrs. Pease, you needn't grieve about 
that — 'old women' you know, according to a high authority 'can't 
live forever !' " At this unexpected quotation of her own sagacious 
apothegm, Hetty could not refrain from laughter, and in a few min- 
utes her pretty countenance entirely cleared up and wreathed itself 
in its wonted smiles. After this they conversed a long time earnest- 
ly together. Hetty, at first, urged that respect to her deceased 
friend demanded that the solemnization of tlieir nuptials should be 
postponed at least a twelvemonth. To this Bob Bobbylink res- 
ponded, that in her present situation, immediate marriage would be 
perfectly proper ; she had come into the possession of considerable 
property, and could not, he insisted, with any degree of self-respect, 
remain longer at service. If she abandoned her present home, 
■where in the wide world could she find another — now that her last 
relation had gone the way of death. 

By arguments like these, Hetty's repugnance was finally over- 
ruled. 

*' Now, if you'll grant me a single favour, Robert," said she, " I'll 
consent that the — "here Hetty blushed like the goddess of Liberty on 
a village sign-board painted by an artist, whose palette lacks all the 
other colours of the rainbow but red, " that the — the — it shall be 
next Thursday week." 

"Certainly," said Bob smiling and highly delighted; "I'll grant 
anythmg Mrs. Bobbylink asks. What is it my pretty yellow-bird V* 
"Your pretty yellow-bird, Robert, how is that? I hope I 
haven't the jaundice this morning !" said Hetty, laughing. " But, 
to the purpose — you must discard that clumpy fellow, Sam. 
Chisel !" 

" What that great dunce ! why it's done before it's asked ; a 
heavy, woodcock-pated lout, that has attempted my life any time 
these past three years by his infernal long stories and stupid jokes. 
Sam. Chisel ! I'll make a horse-block of him, Hetty, if you want 
me to, and cut his long ears into patterns for saddle-covers if you 
ask it." 

" And Habbakuk Viol." 
"Let him go too." 
" And Harvest." 

"Off with his head — they're a pair of barren knaves, that for 
some mysterious purpose have been born with mouths, without the 
wit to get anything to put into 'em ; and backs that would go bare, 
No. VII— 19. 



146 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

begging your pardon, as a new laid egg, if they hadn't had a friend 
in Bob Bobbylink. Let them shirk from this time forth, for them* 
selves !" 

" Well," continued the inexorable and victorious Hetty Steddle, 
"there's Tom Snipe. He goes of course — the poor wretch that 
he is." 

"Tommy! Why Tommy's a harmless critter, and might be 
useful in doing chores about the house." 

"Don't mention him!" exclaimed Hetty, "I can't bear the 
sight of him ; he reminds me so much, with his warped visage, 
of a lean kitten in a fit. The scamp absolutely attempted to kiss 
me once !" 

" Away with him then ! away with him !" cried Bobbylink 
with animation. 

" Discharge Smally, now, and you've done a good morning's 
work." 

" Poor John ! never — never," said Bob Bobbylink with sudden 
enthusiasm, " he has been always true to me, and it's but fair that 
I should be always true to him. You may strip every branch and 
limb off of the old tree — and welcome, but that leaf hangs, and 
all the tempests in the sky may blow, and the old tree may rock and 
quiver to its very roots, but I tell you that leaf shall cling to the last. 
John Smally — my own right hand man — it's impossible, Hetty !" 

" He is always flinging his jokes at one; and he has even snick- 
ered at you, before now," continued Hetty, hoping to touch Bob's 
personal feeling. 

"I don't care for that," be answered firmly ; "he has a right — 
for many's the crack I've had at his expense. Come, Hetty, spare 
me one ! You had better try to drive Burdock's brown mare 
in single harness, or knit stockings out of bulrushes, than get me 
to forego my old friend, John !" 

Hetty had by this time discovered, from his tone and manner, 
that Bob would not relinquish this last of his merry comrades, and 
desisted from the attempt, for the present, but not without a fur- 
ther request. " 

" Now to finish the weeding and make a clean garden of it, there's 
another promise to be made : you must leave of Shekkels, the 
man in the mask, the bull's horns, and all your other mad capers 
and carryings-on. D'ye understand — if you don't I shall have you 
a'vertised as a ' stray', the first thing." They both laughed heartily 



THE MERRY-MAKERS . EXPLOIT NO. 11. 147 

over the pleasant reminiscences which Hetty's allusions conjured 
up) and Bob Bobbylink (with a liberal mental reservation in favour 
of stone-frolics, christmas shooting and black-fishing) granted her 
reasonable request, that he should become " a good, sober man 
about the house." 

" But stop, my dear," said he, " there's a favour you must be- 
stow on me in return for all this." 

" What's that, Robert ?" said Hetty, blushing, and supposing he 
hinted at a kiss. 

" You must let all these poor dogs come to the wedding; it 
will be for the last time, and it would break their hearts to shut them 
out !" 

" Well, well," answered Hetty complacently, " I suppose it 
must be so — although I think it would be a slight waste of cheap 
crockery if all their hearts were broken in a row." 

" Now," said Bobbylink, rapturous with the unexpected success 
of his suit, capering about the grass, and ever and anon kissing 
and embracing his fair mistress, " now, Hetty, I think we can take 
our sail down the lake with some comfort ; come^ j^irnp in !" 

Obeying his injunction, she sprang lightly into the boat ; at this 
moment the cable was unloosed by an unseen hand from its fast- 
ening and Bob Bobbylink, gasping with astonishment and surprise, 
beheld his ladye-love floating, alone, down the rapid current. 
Hurrying along the bank, and keeping even with the boat, he reached 
a rock that jutted into the water, and as the vessel glided by, he 
succeeded in throwing himself on board. A violent eddy seized 
it and hurried it out into the middle of the lake, and bore it swift- 
ly away towards the opposite shore. In his trepidation and haste 
Bobbylink had forgotten the oars, and they were in a light and 
feeble craft without any means of directing its course, or providing 
against accidents that were likely to occur. To render their situa- 
tion still more dismal and perplexing, they heard every now and 
then, a hoarse laugh sounding in the woods and echoed and re- 
echoed by the cliffs along the shore of the lake. A superstition 
prevailed in that quarter of the country, that a spectral personage 
whom they styled the Laughing Devil, roamed constantly about 
these woods, and gave token by a harsh, startling laugh or chuckle 
of danger impending over the neighbouring inhabitants. Plough- 
boys on their way home through the woods, after nightfall, pre- 
^ tended to have seen a short, burly creature with a grisly beard 



148 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

and stiff shock of jet-black hair, standing in the shadow of 3 
stunted ash tree or dwarf-oak, holding both his sides, with his face 
distorted by laughter which he seemed to suppress by main force ; 
and which, when they reached the edge of the forest, would burst 
from him with great violence and startle them like a near peal of 
thunder. 

An idle fellow who spent much of his time in wandering about 
the swamps and low grounds of this region with his gun, asserted 
that more than once when he had raised his fowling-piece to his 
shoulder, and was on the point of levelling it at a wild pigeon or gray 
squirrel, he had been horribly alarmed by seeing the bird or ani- 
mal suddenly moult its feathers or hide, which fell to the ground 
like the cast-off slough of a copper-head, and in the twinkling 
of an eye become transformed into a robust goblin, who leered upon 
him, from amid the leaves with a countenance distended with 
laughter, while tears of mirth flowed copiously down his wrinkled 
cheeks. His gun, this vagabond sportsman added, would inevita- 
bly be out of order in a day or two after the vision, and miss fire a 
dozen times or more in succession, if the powder was in the least 
damp ! However this might be, it was a well known fact, that just 
after a thunder storm this mysterious sound was sure to be heard 
loudest, and they often found immense trees riven to the very roots, 
and lying maimed and prostrate upon the earth, in that quarter of the 
woodland whence it had issued. If the grain was bhghted, or a 
foal lost, or a sheep missing, that long, fiendish peal of laughter 
Was heard echoing and ringing through the woods, and the birds 
took to flight as if from some dreadful object of terror and alarm. 

The sounds which reached the ears of Bob Bobbylink and his 
companion at the present time seemed, therefore, peculiarly awful 
and ominous. To increase their anxiety, they thought they saw 
faces, ever and anon, thrust from among the bushes and grape-vines 
which overhung the banks, grinning and moping with aspects more- 
like those of malicious spirits than of men. This might have been 
phantasy, but they swept straight onward and were in the utmost pe- 
ril of being dashed headlong against a rock that projected into the lake, 
when suddenly a boat shot from within its shadow, and making for 
that in which Bobbylink was seated and running close by their side, 
one of the persons that occupied it gave Bobbylink's boat a forcible 
turn by the bows and pushed her out into mid-channel. Bob- 
bylink now observed that the strange boat was held by four 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. II. 149 

Jsen. On closer inspection he discovered that they were persons 
with whom he was acquainted, and with regard to whom he had 
been making sundry very liberal promises, during the morning, to 
Miss Hetty Steddle. 

The boat of the four new comers now began to play about Bobby- 
link's ; and its occupants threw out, as they flashed athwart her bows 
or alongside, observations like the following; much in the same way 
as a frigate skirmishes about a crippled seventy-four, firing a broad- 
side at each evolution — reloading — and comingup on the other quarter 
with a fresh discharge. *' Ha! Ha!" cried one of them exhibiting 
a broad countenance distorted with laughter, " That stupid dunce 
Sam, Chisel, sends his compliments to you, Mr. Bobbylink and 
hopes it's a fine morning for saihng. He presents you a brace of 
heavy woodcocks," giving Bobbylink a blow on either side of the 
head with his open hand as they crossed the stern, " and sends 
you a tumbler of the fresh fluid to wash 'em down?" He followed 
his last observation with the discharge of a boat-horn full of water 
from the lake ; each one of the four being supplied with a short 
weapon of that kind, which, as every one knows, consists of the 
horn of an ox attached to the extremity of a wooden handle, and 
is used in our sloops and other river craft, to wet the sails. 

" Any word to send to your friend 'Bak Viol," said another of 
them " he's in a famishing and dreadful state, having a mouth, 
without the wit to get anything to put in it. Do send him a drop of 
water and a kmd word, if no more." And this gentleman play- 
fully repeated the baptismal ceremony performed by his friend 
Chisel. 

" Take that," exclaimed a third, a little man with a dry visage, 
punching Bobbylink with the butt-end of his boat-horn in the back 
and ribs, "take that from that harmless critter. Tommy Snipe!" 
and this, mistress," dashing a hornful of water into the face of 
Miss Steddle " there's something to cool your kitten with, when 
she's in a fit! ha ! ha!" 

" As for Harvest, let him shirk for himself," said the fourth, "he's 
a poor, bare-backed animal, and is of no more value than an old 
rain-spout," accompanying his words with a copious commentary 
of an aquatic nature. 

Wheeling the boat about, and discharging small shot like this 
they at length seemed to have wrought the sport to a climax, and 



150 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 

at a signal given by Habbakkuk Viol, they prepared for its con- 
summation by each filHng his boat-horn to the brim. 

"There Bobby," cried Habbakkuk discharging his piece, "put 
that in your pocket and keep it to sprinkle your first-born with I" 

" Young lady" shouted Sam Chisel, " them nice, buddin' roses 
on your cheek, wants waterin' a little !" and he supplied the de 
ficiency forthwith. 

" 'Linkem !" exclaimed Harvest " I don't believe your coat's 
ever been spunged, that," throwing the contents of his boat-horn on 
the collar and skirts of his upper garment, "that does the business 
for you !— and there's a little of the rock-crystal to drink your tail- 
or's health in !" 

"Miss, how's them colours on your gown — will they stand the 
water?" said Tommy Snipe, instantaneously applying the test to 
which he alluded. 

" Maybe your pockets is dry," suggested Sam. Chisel insinuating 
a couple of hornsful adroitly into that quarter of Mr. Bobbylink's 
dress, " they're gapin' like oysters for a drop o' drink." 

" What a nice water-proof Robert's got on this morning," ex- 
claimed Viol, testing the hatter's assertion recorded in the lining, 
by a small artificial shower. " Warranted against thunder, light- 
ning, and rain !" 

" Why Bob, you look like a pond-duck, in the equinoxial !" said 
Sam. Chisel, " is that your mate Bobby — if so it be, her feathers 
want purifyin' !" 

" Judging by the crook of his nose," continued Hank Harvest, 
" he looks more like a fish hawk," and again emptying his boat- 
horn, " lie should get used to his adopted element !" 

Now with a grand and general discharge of their pieceis as they 
discovered that they were nearing the opposite shore, and the idea 
flashed across their minds, that if Bobbylink and his companion, 
were once landed, they might annoy them pretty seriously from 
the banks, they altered their boat's course and shooting athwart 
his bows phed their oars for the other end of the lake. 

"There Mr. Bobbylink," exclaimed Viol, as they parted compa- 
ny, tossing him a farewell beaker of the fluid, " I advise you to 
«ave that to wash your face with, the first time it's clawed by 
Mrs. Hetty Bobbylink!" 

"And don't forget to make me a pair of saddle-covers out of Sam 
Chisel's ears— when you catch him !" shouted the proprietor of 



THE MERRY-MAKERS. EXPLOIT NO. II. 151 

said ears, grinning monstrously, and playfully projecting a jet of 
water into the mouth of Bob Bobbylink, which stood agape with 
astonishment and terror. 

During all these manoeuvres, which had been executed within a 
brief space of time and with admirable dexterity, Bobbylink had 
retained his seat, half inclined to kindle into a horrid passion and 
half determined to burst into a hearty laugh, and take it all as a good 
joke. To be sure when he looked upon his fair mistress and saw 
her new figured silk drenched with water, he was sorely vexed 
and discomposed ; but he had brought, he well knew, the whole 
catastrophe upon them by his hasty promise to discard his old 
friends and cast them loose, in the very first hour of his prosperity 
and success. 

He therefore felt bound, in conscience and honour, to bear it 
cheerfully, and accordingly he had no sooner handed Hetty from 
the boat than his lungs exploded in a genuine and honest cachi- 
aation, in which he was instantly joined by Miss Steddle, that 
young lady enjoying a very pretty sense of the ludicrous and feel- 
ing, with her worthy associate, that she deserved it all. 

Pleasantly laughing over the whole scene, they seated them* 
selves upon a wall in the sun, and speedily drying their garments, 
started off to gather blackberries instead of tempting a second 
time, the unlucky element. 



152 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 

CONTAINING THE UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT OF AN OLD GENTLE- 
MAN ; A POPULAR BATTLE BETWEEN TWO ATTORNIES, AND A 
FEW PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS AS TO THE IMPROPRIETY OF OLD 
GENTLEMEN BEING OUT AFTER DARK. 

The village of Plumpitts stands at the head of a vile little creek, 
which runs in and out from the Sound with the tide. Unfortu- 
nately, the tide has a propensity to be out oftener than in, so that 
Plumpitts, for the better part of the day, sits like a great duck, strand- 
ed in the middle of the mud. The inhabitants of Plumpitts are 
of two classes : those who belong to the river interest and those 
who belong to the inland interest. The former, consisting of two 
rival sloop captains, half a score of vagabond boys and idle-look- 
ing men who assist the said captains in navigating their craft to 
the city; and the inland interest, consisting of half-a-dozen shop- 
keepers, and as many pestilent old women ; the former of whom 
spend their time in retailing sugar and starch to customers from 
the interior, and the latter in wholesaling scandal and small talk 
to each other — and a very thriving trade they make of it. The 
standing population of the village is composed of about twenty 
blue-nosed topers who hover about a place called the Point, like 
so many noisy gulls, during the early part of the morning and 
towards night, and pass the rest of the day in dirty fishing 
boats along the shore of the Sound, solemnly engaged in cap- 
turing black-fish and bass for their present wants, and providing 
a stock of cramps and rheumatisms for their old age. 

About three miles back of Plumpitts, there lay an ill-conditioned 
piece of land and a dilapidated old house, which altogether was 
entitled the Homestead : and in a small room in the old house, a 
sharp-faced, gray-eyed little woman, and a red-visaged man, some 



DISASTERS OP OLD DRUDGE. 153 

two sizes larger, were seated at a breakfast table. The little 
woman sat erect and was engaged with toast and coffee, and the man 
was bent nearly double over a bowl of sour buttermilk, and a white 
earthen plate, holding a single, small perch or sun-fish, burned to 
a crisp. 

" Drudge!" cried the little woman, sharply. 

" Ma'am !" answered the red-visaged man, timidly. 

" You know I own this farm '.'" 

« Yes." 

" And this house ?" 

" Yes ; — and the span of horses, and the family carriage !" 

"Very well — And all the ready money — do you know that?" 

"Oh yes," responded Mr. Drudge, in a faint voice. 

"And that you brought nothing but an old saddle, when I mar- 
ried you?" 

" Yes ma'am." 

" How dare you then eat fish and buttermilk together, contrary to 
my express orders. Yes — how dare you — you miserable pauper!** 
shouted Mrs. Drudge, working herself into a sublime frenzy. 

" Dear Tishy — I thought there was no harm in it" — 

" Don't Tishy me — don't dear me — you object !" 

" You know I caught the perch myself," humbly suggested her 
red-visaged victim. 

" I know you did — you poor creature — when you ought to 
have been home minding your business. You havn't split your 
day's oven-wood yet, nor milked, nor brouoht water, nor churned 
— you've done nothing this morning, Drudge, worse than nothing 
— oh, you poor lazy thing !" And she gave the poor man a glance, 
which if it had been half a degree fiercer, must have inevitably 
scorched him to a cinder. At this moment, a heavy-headed coun- 
try boy thrust his face in at the door, horribly distorted with terror 
and bad news, and cried out, " Buzbee's red bull, missis, has just 
busted into the corn, and our sheep has just busted out of the long 
lot into Buzbee's woods — and the devil's to pay all over the farm!'* 

" There's more work for you, Drudge !" 

" Oh yes!" rejoined that gentleman, adopting his customary 
reply when he had nothing better to say. 

" Why didn't you look after that fence ? I told you Buzbee's 
bull would be over before a week's time. And why havn't you 
penned the sheep as I ordered you a month ago?" 

No. VII— 20 



154 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

The heavy-headed boy here returned and interposed. 

" I forgot to say, missis, that the storm last night 'as washed 
away the Httle barn — and missis' carriage is buried in Blind-brook 
half full of mud, and two-thirds o' water!" 

" My God !" cried Mrs. Drudge, in a sudden paroxysm of 
anxiety, " I thought it would be so Drudge ; I thought it would 
be just so. You wouldn't move that barn further up on the bank , 
no you wouldn't — though )^ou might have done it, if you'd strained 
yourself a little, with Moe's help. Good Heavens ! I'm afraid the 
carriage is ruined, and I wanted to use it this very day — good Lord!" 

" I think it might be got out, missis," continued the heavy-headed 
3routh, " if Mr. Drudge would be so good as to give me a lift." 
The heavy-headed youth smiled profoundly, as if he thought it 
would be a very brilliant stretch of fancy to suppose for a moment 
that Mr. Drudge could escape the necessity of furnishing his assist- 
ance, manual and bodily. 

" Drudge, do you hear !" cried his sweet-tempered spouse, " go 
along with Moses and help him get the carriage out, this instant !" 

Moses had left the room. " Moses !" shouted Mrs. Drudge, 
Moses !" " Here ma'am — here 1 be !" responded the youth, push- 
ing a segment of his broad face over a corner of the lintel. 
*^ You may help Drudge a little while, Moses — only five minutes, 
be back here by that time. I want you to cut some 'sparagus to 
put in the front parlour, and a nosegay for the fire-place — I expect 
aunt and sister to tea, Moses !" she concluded bestowing a bland 
smile upon the heavy-headed juvenile. 

Moses and Mr. Drudge thereupon departed, the latter muttering 
as he turned a corner of the house, a fervent prayer for the imme- 
diate demise and interment of the amiable lady whom he had just 
l^ft. As they crossed the fields on their way to the scene of 
labour, Drudge was the first to open a conversation with his com- 
panion. 

" Underhill," said he, " have you got the money by you for 
those muskrat skins ?" " No, I havn't just now," replied the boy, 
"Fields told me if I'd come over to the tan-yard to-morrow, he'd 
settle with me." 

" And what have you done with the bag of fresh feathers?" 

" Them — why put them aboard the market wagon. I expect 
you'll have returns by next Tuesday, or the day arter," responded 
the youth, with a very intricate and complicated expression of 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 155 

countenance which might have been construed to mean half a 
dozen things at once. 

" I want that money very much," said Drudge, partly to himself 
and partly to his companion. " There's Quimby's bill on the P'int 
and John Merritt's account for clothing, ought to be paid the first lime 
I go to Plumpitts." 

" I think they ought, by all means," echoed master Moses Under- 
bill, with the same ambi-dexter look. 

They had now reached Blind-brook and discovered the family 
carriage up to its waist in the middle of the channel, the walcr 
dashing over its dark lop like that of some huge black monster 
which was struggling for its life up ihe stream. 

" JMoses," said Drudge, after surveying it for a moment, "youMl 
have to strip and go in." " Catch me !" exclaimed master Moses 
retreating backwards up the bank, " If you say two words about 
that again. Drudge, I'll go home and lell missis, and then you'll 
catch it, I reckon !" Mr. Underbill accompanied this lender threat 
with a complacent grin, which had the singular effect of throwing 
old Drudge into a violent fever, which lasted some three minutes 
and a quarter. 

" Well Moses," said he at last, finding the youth intractable, 
" I suppose I must do it myself, or else (lowering his voice) ibere'U 
be the devil out of the pit to pay up at the house !" Directing 
his companion to bring a coil of rope and a couple of lengths of 
rail, old Drudge stripped stark naked and plunged in. 

The first discovery he made, was, that Blind-brook was some 
two feet deeper than he had imagined, and consequently over his 
head. His first movement after making this pleasant disco- 
very was to grasp the limb of a tree which overhung the stream. 
This he succeeded in doing and sustained himself by it some five 
minutes, bawling all the time to Moe Underbill for help: and when 
at length, that charming youth came forward to his assistance, his 
zeal and eagerness to rescue Mr. Drudge was so overpowering, 
that he rushed headlong against the tree from which that gentle- 
man was suspended, with such precipitancy as to shake Mr. Drudge 
directly into the water as if he had been a shrunken russetin-apple, 
in want of nothing but moisture. At the very moment when he 
fell, a heavy swell of the freshet came tumbling and raging down 
the brook, and striking Mr. Drudge obliquely over the shoulder, 
carried him under : he rose for a minute to the surface and threw 



156 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

out his hands convulsively towards the outstretched limb, Mr 
Moses Underhill ran up and down the bank shouting to him to 
" dive for the coach!" — when a second billow heavier than the first 
rushed upon him and bore him from the sight. The injunction of 
Moe Underhill (in whatever spirit it was given) was not lost upon 
the ear of the submerged Drudge, for, aiming with considerable 
skill, he succeeded in permitting himself to be borne in at the 
carriage-door, which was swung open by the tide. Shortly after, 
a long, melancholy-looking head was put out at the top of the 
coach-door, and Moses discovered that old Drudge stood upon the 
back seat of the family carriage and was safe. 

After wailing something like an hour until the swollen torrent 
had subsided, Old Drudge and his companion renewed their 
attempt, and with many struggles, by the aid of rope and crow- 
bar and bar-post, they succeeded in rolling the carriage upon the 
bank — the greater share of the labour falling of course (out of defer- 
ence to his years) upon the patient Mr. Drudge. 

In the course of a couple of hours more, the carriage was 
cleaned and partially dried, and stood before the door awaiting 
Mrs. Drudge's orders. The horses that were harnessed to it were 
a notable couple, being sorrel twins, having long ghastly necks, 
short tails and punchy bodies, with small mouths and mournful 
eyes; and to complete their character, lean and feeble, with a look 
of overwork and ill-usa£re. 

o 

" Drudge !" screamed the amiable female bearing that name, 
standing in the door and directing a withering glance towards Mr. 
Drudge, who was slowly shambling up the lane completely ex- 
hausted and toil-worn. " Drudge, — I want you to get in the car- 
riage and go down to Plumpitts at once !" 

" Oh yes !" said the poor man, meaning " oh no," a thousand 
times repeated with an emphasis. 

" Get in immediately and I'll tell you what I want." Drudge 
mounted in, almost mechanically, under the talismanic influence of 
that inexorable voice. " And now turn the key, Moses : there — sit 
still now Drudge, and mind me !" 

These words had been accompanied by the closing of the car- 
riage-door, the insertion of an iron key in a lock attached to the 
same (which Mrs. Drudge had placed there, knowing old Drudge's 
propensity to indulge in potations and forget his errands when 
he visited the thirsty and drinking village of Plumpitts) and Mr, 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 157 

Drudge's assuming a quiet, martyr-like demeanour, as if he had 
been put in jail and expected every minute to be brought out to 
instant execution. 

" In the first place, Drudge, you'll get me a pound of Mr. Slim- 
fink's best tea — best young hyson : try it yourself. Drudge, your 
a good judge of tea, Joel, though you don't get it but once a week!'* 

" Oh yes!" murmured Drudge, softly. 

" You needn't get out there; Slimfink will bring a sample to the 
door, I gave him directions when I was there last about that. Next, 
Drudge, you'll go over toWringold's shop and purchase two yards 
of his small spotted calico — just in. Mind Drudge — small spotted 
red calico — spots very small. 

" Can't he get me a new jacket, missis, while he's there ?" sug- 
gested Moe Underbill from the box seat, smiling pleasantly on 
his mistress. 

" You deserve a jacket — don't you — you villiain, for minding me 
so well this morning, and comingback in just five minutes. You good- 
for nothing, you ought to have the jacket you've got on well-trim- 
med, instead of a new one. — And Drudge, you can stop at Slim- 
fink's as you come back, and buy me seven pound of Havanna 
sugar, and a quarter of starch ; and, mark me, (raising her fist 
clenched in warlike fashion) don't you venture to leave the carriage 
'till you've made every one of the purchases ! Purchase by the 
sample. Drudge, and let 'em understand you pay in silver !" 

The sorrel twins, now, after repeated admonitions from a whip 
in the hand of Mr. Moses Underbill, succeeded in getting them- 
selves in motion. The carriage wheels had scarcely revolved more 
than twice or three times, before the voice of Mrs. Drudge was 
heard calling after them, and the person of Mrs. Drudge was seen 
in pursuit of the vehicle. Moe Underbill allowed her to enjoy a 
delightful little trot on the highway before he condescended to 
arrest his promising span. " Stop, Moses, stop, stop, stop !" cried 
Mrs. Drudge in an ascending musical voice. " Here's the key : 
you've forgotten the coach-door key!" 

At length she overtook the fugitive vehicle and handed the key 
up to the youthful worthy on the driver's seat, " Do you hurry 
back Moses, to cut that asparagus and make that nosegay." 

" Yes, missis, I'll make you a very nice nosegay when I come 
back — a very nice one," answered Mr. Underbill. Whether he 
ever lived to come back and make that nosegay is a matter about 



158 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

which the reader's mind will be placed perfectly at rest by the 
sequel. 

" Drudge !" cried his amiable spouse once more, conveying her 
little, sharp face and vicious gray eyes inside of the carriage win- 
dow. " You may bring me a bunch of black-fish, if Tom Haddock 
has any fresh from the water ; and don't you get out till you've 
brought the fish as you value your life ; — and as for the starch — 
recollect — it's for my own personal collars, and not for yours — ^so 
you'll get first quality." 

Hereupon Mrs. Drudge departed, Mr. Drudge fell back in his 
seat from the awful state of suspense in which he had listened to 
the last injunction of his charming lady, and the carriage trun- 
dled or crawled along the road. 

They travelled on quietly at a moderate pace for the first mile 
and a half of the distance to Plumpitts, when suddenly, as they 
were turning a corner of the road and driving close by the side of 
a stone-wall, Moe Underbill was shot softly from the carriage-box 
over the fence and landed on his feet in the neighbouring field. 
Old Drudge was slumbering at the moment, but waking up a little 
while after and looking out at the window, he discovered a heavy- 
headed apparition bearing a marvellous general resemblance m 
outline and movement to Mr. Moses Underbill, scudding rapidly 
across the fields. It was, however, only the thought of a moment 
with Drudge — and as the sorrel twins made no such discovery, 
they journeyed forward at their old pace the same as if nothing 
had happened. At length they reached the brow of Plumpitts' 
hill, and feeling no restraining hand at the rein they scampered 
down the declivity in lively style, like a span of runaway spec- 
tres; and rushed into the village with the old family carriage 
clattering at their back, at such speed as to bring the best part of the 
population into the road, and the remainder to their doors and 
windows. 

The horses being without guidance aimed for a public horse- 
trough, in the centre of the village, at which they had a chance of 
obtaining a few stray oat-grains, left there by more fortunate and 
better fed quadrupeds that came to Avater. 

The eyes of every adult inhabitant of Plumpitts were levelled 
forthwith to the family carriage of Mrs. Drudge, which was well 
known in the village; and on the discovery of Mr. Drudge in one 
corner of the same, conversation like the following arose. 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 159 

" Ah ! ha ! — there's Tishy's private prison again, and her poor, 
travelling jail-bird !" said an idle tailor, who had abandoned his 
shop-board and gathered with a group of men and women in front 
of the post-office. 

*' How old, Drudge is beginning to look !" rejoined the post- 
master's wife, with her hands under her apron. " Upon my word 
he looks ten years older than uncle Si Purdy— -and he's sixty last 
Christmas, ten o' clock at night !" 

" Enough to make a man look old, madam," said the tailor, who 
was a consequential little personage with a figurative turn of mind 
and a firm expression of mouth, "to be riding about like a lobster 
in a stew-pan with the lid on, in that horrid box of Tishy Drudge's. 
If I was Joel Drudge I'd kill her — yes ! I'd maul her to death : I'd 
hold her up to the sun on a three-pronged pitchfork, and toast her to a 
cinder and go into a regular state-prison at once as an incendiary ! 
I'd commit some dreadful crime — that would I — rather than be 
confined in that close crib. It breaks a man's spirits like pie crust, 
such a thing does ! He can't work — he can't do anything — he can't 
pay his debts ! it incapaci'ates him !" 

The name of this tailor happened to be John Merritt, and the 
reader will, at a thought, discover the happy pertinency and deep 
feeling with which these remarks must have been delivered. 

" Why," said Tom Haddock, the fisherman, who had paused 
with his wagon in front of the post-office, to join in the con- 
versation, " he's just as silly in there — Old Drudge is — as a con- 
sumptive mackerel in my big fish-car. But where, in the name 
of the great Striped Bass that Bill Horley caught last week, where 
is Moe Underbill ? I saw the carriage come rattlin' in, without 
pilot or helmsman, or a man at the sculls, as I was crossin' the 
P'int. ' There must be something the matter,' says I to Harry 
Shaddle, ' or, you may depend on it, the boy would have hold of the 
tiller !" 

"You say truly, Thomas," said the tailor, "something must be 
the matter, or Moses Underbill ivould be in his place on the car- 
riage seat. Joel Drudge couldn't have driven the horses down, 
sitting inside the vehicle, unless his neck was as long as a crane's 
and he had arms to match ! Underbill is a wild youth and may 
have pitched himself headlong from the seat out of despair !" 

" What the devil would he do that for ?" asked Tom Haddock. 



160 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" Because his master can't pay his honest debts !" answered 
Mr. Merritt. 

" That's more than Hkely," said a small, thin-shouldered old 
man, with a pair of smart, sparkling eyes that constantly gave the 
lie to the rest of his countenance, which was dull, heavy and de- 
void of meaning. " That's more than likely, for didn't Dolly 
Hiedlebrook's cat hang herself in a boot-jack, because her mistress 
got too poor to keep a cow ?" 

" Cats love cream, and Moses Underbill loves money, and I 
shouldn't be surpised if he had got off and drowned himself out of 
mere respectability," added Mr. Merritt. " It isn't respectable 
for a man to owe a tailor's bill." 

" It isn't Mr. Merritt — by no means it isn't , and Tishy Drudge 
ought to be ashamed of herself for not keeping her husband in 
good clothes — and them paid for — her owning as she does — the 
Hum'stead — and ready monies out at interest too !" asserted the 
postmaster's lady, with an air of virtuous indignation. 

" He shall pay mine, I know!" cried the little tailor, in as tower- 
ing a passion as a little tailor can be supposed, by the liveliest 
stretch of imagination, capable of elevating himself to. " If it 
costs me all the thread and thimbles in my shop — and a years 
beeswax too — I'll bring him up to the mark. John Merritt won't 
be trifled with any longer." 

*' You're right, Merritt," said the thin-shouldered man. " I 
wouldn't submit to it!" 

" Merritt ! Merritt ! who are you talking to ?" asked the little 
tailor, ferociously, looking down from the eminence to wliich the 
tempest of passion had whirled him. " My name is Mr. Merritt — 
Mr John Merritt !" 

While this dialogue was passing, a new personage was approach- 
ing the grand centre of attraction — Mrs. Drudge's family carriage. 
This was a broad-built, heavy gentleman on horseback, with a 
marvellously well developed person, presenting about the same 
breadth of surface to the eye, from whatever point he might be 
viewed : whether from the north, the south, the east or the west. 
In a word, it was Harry Shaddle, the fat landlord of the tavern on 
the Point. He rode up to the window of the carriage and looking 
in, exclaimed, " What, Joel, in the old squirrel cage again ! — Why 
arn't you out, and trotting down to theP'int to take a cup with us 1 
eh ! solitary confinement's dry work as the gad-fly thought when 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 161 

he was corked in an ounce phial !" With this the portly land* 
lord gave a hearty laugh, which shook not only his own wide do- 
main of flesh but even reached the nag upon which he was riding, 
and nearly shook the little animal off his legs. This self-same laugh 
had made his fortune. " Where's Moe ?" 

" Where is the boy ?" cried Drudge, after thrusting his head out 
of the carriage, and now, for the first time, investigating the dri- 
ver's seat. 

" I heard that you come in without a driver, Joel, or else the 
Old One was setting up there unsight, unseen — for your horses did 
come down the hill, as if they had the very devil at their heels !" 

*' I'm afraid the boy's thrown off and killed — my God ! what will 
Tishy say ^" exclaimed Drudge, elevating his hands and eyebrows 
and speaking from the very bottom of his ventricle. " I thought 
I saw him pitched from the seat, but it's like a dream." 

"Oh, don't disturb yourself, my old boy, I don't believe Moe's 
dead — or like to be : he knows too much for that. But have you 
heard the news, Joel?" 

" No — what news ? nothing dreadful I hope." 

" Nothing very dreadful : only Quimby's broke and blown up on 
the P'int, as I prophesied. I knew he couldn't last long again' the 
Old Stand with Harry Shaddle behind the counter — though a few of 
his friends flew off to the new perch — and you among the rest, Joel, 
I'm sorry to say ! — Quimby's blown up like a smack with a pound 
©f gunpowder in the hold, and a dropsical vagabond on deck : a 
fimb of the poor devil is scattered here and a limb there. Here 
his rotten liver and lights; there, a decayed leg — and for his brains 
— the harbour-master may find them if he can and lay a duty on 
•em!" 

" He has made a sad time of it !" 

" Yes ; he's exploded entire, and made an assignment out and 
out ; whereby he assigns and sets over to Smith Plevin — assignee, 
attorney and creditor in chief— five live topers, a row of broken- 
necked brandy bottles, an uncollected account against Joel Drudge, 
Esq., a pair of musty boots, two odd slippers, a tap-room withont 
a customer and a fishing boat without a bottom !" 

" Smith Plevin's the assignee, is he ?" asked Drudge, with a 
pretty thorough knowledge of the character of that same Smith 
PUvin. 

" Yes, Smith is the assignee—and devilish tight work he'll make 
No. VIL— 21 



162 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

of some of you ! — ^You'd better fight shy of Plumpitts, for he'll he 
sure to snap you up the first time he catches you in the county !^ 

With this friendly caution Harry Shaddle touched his whip to 
his horse — and rode off, silling erect in his stirrups, and trying to 
make a spectacle of himself, as every fat man does, and — to the 
credit of their efforts be it spoken^lhey generally succeed ! Old 
Drudge threw himself back into the carriage, and began to cogitate 
with all his power of mind (which was by no means unlimited) 
over Quimby's unsettled bill — and the fate of Moses Underbill — 
striving to devise some plan to pay the one and imagine what had 
become of the other, when he suddenly descried a man and a 
boy approaching by one of the cross roads that led into the village, 
and, at the same moment, two other men advancing on the other 
side, from the opposite extremity of the same road. 

He soon discovered that the former were Mr. Smith Plevin, the 
Attorney, and Moe Underbill ; and the latter, John Merrill, in 
company with a man whose person was unknown to Drudge.—^ 
Smith Plevin was a middle-sized man, with a hard livid counte- 
nance, without a drop of blood, and a low, bony forehead, made 
to look still more villanous by having his stiff black hair combed 
down over it. 

" You are my prisoner !" said this personage, stepping up to 
the carriage with a heavy bundle of papers in his left hand, thrust- 
ing his right hand in at the coach window and grasping old Drudge 
rudely by the collar. 

" You lie, sir, he's mine !" shouted a voice from the opposite 
side of the vehicle, and another hand was placed at the same 
instant upon the collar of Drudge's coat. 

" Haul him out, law or no law !" cried a second voice from the 
same quarter. " Drag him out Mr. Skinnings — drag him out — like 
a weasel from an egg-basket !— he has owed my bill long enough, 
and I will have satisfaction, cost what it may." 

At this peremptory direction, which preceded from Merritt the 
tailor, his companion gave Drudge a violent jerk, and attempted 
lo pull his person through the window of the vehicle. 

" Hold there Skinnings, or you'll get in trouble !" bawled Smith 
Plevin, " You've been breaking the man's close^-frangit clausum. 
Stir an inch further and Til bring an action for him myself! He's 
our prisoner !" and Mr. Smith Plevin twitched the body of old 
Drudge with great energy towards himself. " You're a malefactor. 



DISASTERS OP OLD DRUDGE. 163 

a plagiendo, and d d fool, Smith Plevin !" shouted Skinnings, 

" and you may take that as your counsel-fee in this case !" and he 
passed a pound weight of hard knuckles to the account of the small 
ribs of Attorney Plevin. 

" See that Moses !" cried Plevin, with quivering lip and knees that 
quaked with apprehension. " An assault with intent to kill! Mark 
that Underhill ! you're good evidence— over fourteen I beheve, Mo* 
ses ? Understand the nature of an oath ?" 

" Yes, sir !" answered master Moses readily, " yes sir !'* 

" All right !" said the attorney, withdrawing his hold from Drudge^s 
collar, " that's the second case I've picked up to-day. Now get 
your prisoner out if you can, Skinnings !" 

In accordance with Plevin's ii-onical advice, Skinnings first tried 
the carriage-door : finding that impregnable, he next attempted to 
draw Drudge's body out at the carriage window, but after several 
strenuous trials he discovered that it was impossible to get more 
than the head of the terrified debtor through, and as his writ 
required and authorized him to take " his body," he was obliged 
to abandon the attempt. Meantime, Smith Plevin stood by, in- 
dulging in a sarcastic laugh, punching Moe Underhill with the end 
of his law-papers, and inviting him to observe " the smart prac- 
tice of Sim Skinnings : the best lawyer in the county !" When 
Skinnings withdrew from the carriage, muttering " it wouldn't be 
safe to break the cursed old door! — let's see what this bright young 
attorney has got to do !" Plevin stepped forward with a compla- 
cent smirk on his countenance, and placing his hand upon the 
coach-door turned towards Moe Underbill, and, smiling, said 
" Moe, advance with your iron argument, in other words, bring 
the key. I think we'll introduce a document here that will eflfec- 
tually remove this stupid plea in bar !" 

At this summons, Mr. Moe Underhill inserted his right hand 
in his right breeches' pocket : and it is singular what a wonderful 
effect that simple insertion produced on the whole expression of the 
boy's broad face ; his lower jaw fell, his cheeks were monstrously 
elongated, and he, all at once, looked strikingly like a Shaker in a 
brown study. 

His hands immediately and swiftly penetrated into every con- 
ceivable pocket about his person : he cross-questioned every nook 
and corner of his clothing, and subjected his hat and boots to a 
series of most searching interrogatories. 



164 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

The universal and stunning return from every quarter, was an 
unmitigated non inventus; so that Master Moses Underhill had 
enjoyed a beautiful travel on foot of some half dozen miles in the 

bracing country air, over to , the capital of the county, 

and notified Smith Plevin that ' Now Old Drudge was to be caught 
out of his county' — all to no purpose. The horrid reflection 
crossed his mind that he might have lost the key in jumping from 
the carriage or in his scamper over the fields. 

That this enterprising young gentleman might not be alone in 
his peculiar style efface, Mr. Plevin obligingly drew out his coun- 
tenance to the requisite length, and stood opposite Moe Underhill 
with a responsive extent and sadness of feature. At this moment, 
to increase the joys of the worthy couple. Drudge suddenly as- 
sumed a scruple of courage and thrusting his red visage out of the 
coach familiarly charged Moe Underhill with being " a thief and a 
runaway !" 

To which the boy familiarly returned " Hush your jaw you old 
victim ! I'll have my pay out of you yet for the beatin' you guv 
me last Thanksgivin' day !" 

That no single incident might be wanting to complete the over- 
whelming catastrophe Mr. Sim Skinnings, at this juncture, marched 
up to Mr. Smitli Plevin and with a determined manner said " Sir, 
you were insolent just now !" And without further parley Mr, 
Skinnings commenced an active assault on the person of the afore- 
said Mr. Plevin. Now Skinnings was a tall man with an im- 
moveable face which looked as if it had been carved out of seas- 
oned pine-timber or rather as if all his features had been tied up, 
very early in life, in a hard knot and he had found it impossible 
ever since to disentangle them. He therefore formed no very pleasant 
or playful belligerent and accordingly began to drub his little anta- 
gonist horribly at arms' length. Plevin who, although not framed 
exactly on the heroic model, had some sparks of manhood in him 
thought the game altogether too much on one side and hastily ima- 
gined that the bargain would be vastly improved by introducing 
a second party into it, plunged his head directly into the waistcoat 
of Mr. Skinnings, and commenced plying his arms up and down 
intothe face ofthat eminent gentleman in a parallel line hke the pis- 
tons of an engine : and Mr. Skinnings began to batter the dorsal 
possessions of Mr. Plevin with a high, long sweep of his arms after 
the manner of a smith's largest sledge-hammer. 



DISASTERS OF OLD DRUDGE. 165 

Mr. Skinnings would have inevitably succeeded in breaking in 
sundry ribs of his antagonist, had it not been for a fortunate bill in 
chancery of a monstrous solidity and thickness, which was slumber- 
ing in the little lawyer's hind coat-pocket, and Pievin would 
have undoubtedly disfigured the face of Skinnings, had he not, 
in an early stage of the attempt, made his knuckles sore by 
knocking against the hard bronze thereof. While this professional 
battle was proceeding, and general attention was attracted to its pro- 
gress. Drudge thought it afforded a good opportunity for him to attempt 
a release from his imprisonment. With this purpose he cautiously 
put his head out of one of the openings of the windows, and shrinking 
his body to its smallest dimensions, endeavoured to coax it through. 
He succeeded in passing it as far as his third rib by forcible strug- 
gles, and there for some time he hung, neither able to advance or 
recede, like a rash pickerel that has been caught in a net, and plunging 
into one of the meshes imagines it may glide through — fixed mid 
way its glassy eyes looking out upon a glorious prospect of escape, 
while its tail and the better part of its body quiver and wriggle 
with all thehorror of confinement and fruitless toil! At length, by 
a sudden wrench, Old Drudge succeeded in restoring himself to his 
former locality on the back seat of the carriage — and there he sate 
shaking with the dampness of his prison — and shaking as if his 
only remaining chance of enfranchisement lay in bursting his pris- 
on to pieces by the violence of his tremors. 

During all this time the combatants kept steadily at their busi- 
ness — growing more heated and furious every minute. Suddenly 
a cry of "fire! "fire !" was heard in the upper part of the village, 
and the village engine was seen rattling along the main street and 
bearing down directly upon the mob gathered about Pievin and 
Skinnings and, without a moment's delay it began playing, under 
the direction of Tom Haddock, upon the belligerent attornies. 
The thumping of the engine arms, the clamours of the mob and 
the shouts of the brawny fisherman alarmed the hitherto quiet sorrel 
twins of Mr. Drudge, and thinking, perhaps, they had tarried long 
enough in the disagreeable village of Plumpitts, they wheeled about 
and clattering past the mob, just in time for Old Drudge to receive 
a discharge of the engine pipe upon his person, they scampered 
off up Plumpitts' Hill on the road to the Homestead. 

Through these various events the day had glided nearly to its 
close. Large, heavy shadows began to fall from the trees by the 



166 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

road-side, and, crowding nearer together, and dilating more and more 
every moment as the sun rapidly declined, they darkened the track 
upon which the driverless horses were travelling. Now and then 
the shadow of a locust or wild-cherry tree that stood solitary in the 
centre of a field would blink in, like some monstrous goblin, at the 
window of the carriage and remind its occupant that night was 
swiftly approaching. A tree-toad or cricket would repeat the tidings 
in a doleful voice, and Old Drudge, trembling with the chillness 
of his prison and apprehension of some peril or other, chattered in 
reply. 

They passed a swamp — and the wind came sighing and roaring 
through it like a mad devil, and a swollen stream rushed dismally 
through the tufts of dark grass and bog-weeds. Just as he had 
fairly passed tliis gloomy spot he heard a rattling noise upon the 
the roof of tiie coach, as if the branches of some overhanging tree 
were raking over it. He put out his head, timidly, to discover 
what it was — and received a violent stroke from some unseen ob- 
ject obliquely over the face. Thinking it might have been a 
straggling limb, as soon as he had recovered from the shock he 
thrust his face out of the opposite window. Again he received a 
stroke heavier than the first, and agrulT voice exclaimed " Now out 
of the other !" Poor Drudge, terrified and trembling and not da- 
ring to disregard the behest of the invisible, fearfully exhibited his 
head from the other window. A third blow which made his sconce 
ring again — and the voice bawled" Now the other !" He obeyed again 
— thwack ! thwack ! thwack ! and a sliower of violent blows rained 
about his ears and face until they brought blood. This game was 
kept up for a quarter of an hour — when the voice dismounted and 
thrusting into the carriage whispered grimly, " Moe Und'rill's com- 
pliments to Mrs. Tishy Drudge^and tell her she can roast you for 
Thanksgivin', as you've been pounded tender !" A smart succession 
of sharp, quick strokes lit upon the backs and flanks of the sorrel 
brethren, and they hurried away as if they thought Mrs. Drudge 
herself was at their heels. 

This unusual speed soon brought them to the door of the Home- 
stead, and in attempting to turn rapidly into the large gate that led 
to the corn-crib they overturned the disastrous and ill fated vehicle. 
At the point which they had selected for its overthrow, there was a 
huge, sharp-cornered rock, planted there to guard the gate posts, 
and the overturn was accompanied with a loud crash. The work 



DISASTERS OP OLD DRUDGE. 7^7 

of the moment accomplished the grand purpose of the day; it 
shivered one of the carriage doors and left Old Drudge sprawling 
at the opening with one leg sticking out of the opposite window in 
mid air. The sudden display of a light at the door of the house 
startled the animals, which had stopped and stood stock-still when the 
catastrophe ocurred; they moved forward a few steps and Old 
Drudge was detected crawling forth. 

Bruised, frightened and hungry as he was, he was glad to hob- 
ble up stairs ai.d sneak supperless to bed, rather than encounter 
one of those domestic tempests which had so often rattled about 
his head and given him (although not an aged man) the aspect of a 
weather-beaten sea captain, and the familiar title of Old Drudge, 



♦ 08 THE MOTLEY BOOK, 



THE UNBURIED BONES 



Lost Beauty, I will die, 
But I will thee recover." 

Sir R. Fanshaw^s Q,uerer Por Solo v^crer. 



About midway between Long Island Sound and the Hudson, 
there is a gloomy ravine called Dark Hollow, which ploughs, as it 
were, a broad and deep furrow between two high ridges of land. 
The Hollow itself is filled with sombre woods, and constitutes a 
sort of legendary womb of earth, in which tradition has for many 
years bred its monsters ; supplying the neighbourhood with a brood 
of as lusty and good-for-nothing fables, as gossip could wish to 
chirp over at a winter's fireside. Among others there is the story 
of the spectre of the stranger that was drowned in the neighbouring 
pond (whose body was never discovered), walking this dim alley 
in his sleeves, with his yellow vest thrown open, with one short 
boot and one long one, and without a hat, just as he appeared be- 
fore his fishing-boat was overturned — the very costume in which 
he went to the bottom. 

Then there was the Yankee that hung himself on the great black 
walnut tree by the brook, with an empty cider-flask in his pocket, and 
whose ghost has so unquenchable a thirst that it has been heard 
any time the last twenty years, crying (in a thick voice and appa^ 
rently half over seas) for " more cider !" and " another pull at the 
jug — only one more !" and to the thirsty propensities of which 
ghost, the owners of the land below the Hollow attribute the fre- 
quent dryness that afflicts the channel of the brook. 

Then, on the side of the Hollow, and under the shelter of rugged 
and sturdy oaks, that clamber up in the dim light as if eager to 
breathe a purer air, lies nestling away from the observation of the 
keenest eye. Gaby's Hole ; a mysterious nook, in which, the story 
goes, a gang of hardy counterfeiters, many years ago, established 



THE UNBURIED BONES. 169 

a mint, and spouted forth from thence, as from a fountain, their 
streams of impure coinage. 

It is said that ruffian forms are even now sometimes seen flitting 
about the mouth of the Hole, and that the glare of lawless fires lit 
up so long since, is in cloudy nights reflected against the sky- 
The noise of hammers, too, often mingles with the puffing of a 
huge bellows, and, combined, they startle the damp cricket from 
his low pallet on the earth, and the fire-bug from his light-house 
elevation in the mountain pine. 

It was near this haunted region, and reclining in a slope of the 
opposite ridge, that Francis Whortle gazed into the Hollow. It 
was a summer's afternoon, and he had lingered on that particular 
spot, thus questioning the depths of the mysterious realm, he 
knew not why, for several hours. 

There was something in his past history that might explain this 
brooding habit, which was wont to seize and bind him as with a 
spell by the side of running streams, in the twilight of thoughtful 
sunsets, or beneath the melancholy boughs of mighty trees. 

Francis Whortle was a youth in the very prime and springs 
time of life, and yet clouds came and passed across his brow as 
if it had been that of an aged man, or one on the remotest verge of 
suffering and care-stricken manliood. The story of his sorrow was 
simple enough,lhough with a touch of almost romantic singularity. 
He had loved a beautiful girl — and, as he thought, had won her af- 
fection in return ; when, suddenly, and without any hint or token 
of such an event, she had vanished from the neighbourhood — van- 
ished like a spirit, none could tell at what precise moment, from 
what spot, nor whither. Hope exhausted itself in hoping, and 
dreamin or visions of her return, and Invention fell dead at the anxious 
feet of the bereaved man's friends — but she never more came back. 
At night a light form, beautiful with the hue and the grace of youth, 
stood often at his bedside, and smiled upon him with a delicate fin- 
ger on its dewy lips — and vanished silent and smoothly as the air. 
Spring came, the bright season of expectation and promise, and still 
she tarried. Summer perished in the deep-green woods and was 
buried beneath the Autumn leaves, yet the lost one was not found. 
Thus lime chased hour on hour, and the skies smiled and threat- 
ened, and after long lingering, the swallow and the pigeon returned 
from their strange absence far away, but the sweet girl came not 
in their track, returned not to haunt her own familiar dweUing no? 

No. VII.— 23. 



170 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

to build her bower under the calm old eaves of her childhood's 
home. From the hour of that sad disappearance, Whortle had yield- 
ed himself to an unseen influence which led him about from place to 
place, as in a dream. From that moment he had rambled hither and 
thither, through wood and field, and placing himself on some cho- 
sen spot, with the soft meadow-brook's murmur in his ear, or the 
gentle sound of waving branches, he would strain forward with an 
eager gaze and anxious look, as if he awaited the sudden presence 
of the vanished Creature from earth or air. 

So busy was his brain with the image of the lost one, so nimble 
and restless his fancy in forging comfort for his poor, lone heart, 
that every object in nature at times assumed the fairy shape and 
seemed to walk forth from amid surrounding things, palpable to the 
eye, fresh and lovely as in the moment before she had gone for 
ever. That young man's single grief brought back for a time all 
the fair ' humanities of old religion,' and often in the deep wood he 
started at a gentle form gliding swiftly, like a dryad, before his 
view ; or gazed wildly on a sweet face smiling responsive to his 
own from the untroubled fountain, a nymph-like countenance, per- 
ishing with the first breath of the gazer. It had become his sole 
employment to people all the fields, and meadows, and margins, 
and woodland glades with the spiritual likeness of his vanished mis- 
tress. 

With this hope warm at his heart he peered earnestly into the 
deepening shadows of the Hollow. In a few moments an airy 
and graceful shape sprang, as if from the covert of a wild vine ; it 
was the accustomed gentle form ; it turned its face upon the lover ; 
it smiled — and — as the young man lives — it beckons him from his 
lofty seat. He doubts — it pauses — a sorrowful look darkens its 
fair countenance — again it smiles and renews the token. This 
time he will not doubt nor waver. He gains his feet, and with 
unusual speed hurries after the fair apparition. Within a few pa- 
ces of her, however, he slackens his steps, and follows in awe and 
wonder. Straight through the Counterfeiters' dark defile she takes 
her way, without hindrance from stone, bush, or tree : following^ 
as he may, he pursues her till she winds through a clump of tall, 
gloomy trees, and steps out upon an open space. He has stum- 
bled but once, and that was a little way back, upon a rusted spade, 
standing against the remains of an old forge or rural fire-place. 
The gentle apparition crosses the glade ; she reaches a white ob-* 



THE UNBURIED BONES. 171 

ject that stands out boldly against the dark earth, and turning once 
more upon him with a sad smile, she melts, like a dew or a snow- 
flake, into the earth. For a moment he pauses Hke one who has 
seen some strange object in sleep ; but quickly surmounting fear 
and wonder, he hastens to the spot where the visionary Creature 
was lost to his gaze, with a high hope beating at his heart, and 
rising up and looking out at his gleaming and eager eyes. He dis- 
covered a mouldering heap of bones, and as his eye wandered 
about here and there, they fell upon something that glimmered in 
the grass : a quick, faint splendour, as of some lightning-bug or 
cricket trailing about his little lantern from one blade or one green 
hillock to another. But it shone too steadily for their transitory 
light, and as his thoughts were fixed upon it as if it had been the 
lurking eye of a serpent, he stooped and took it in his hand. It 
was a plain gold ring, soiled slightly by the weather, and with the 
inscription " Ruth Greenleaf.^'* Holding the relic in his hand, he 
stood like one lost in reverie, gazing by turns on it and on the 
mouldering bones at his feet. 

Where he had found the ring the fragment of an arm-bone lay 
but the hand to which it had belonged was crumbled and gone. 
He now felt that he was standing by the mortal remains of the fair 
creature who had disappeared so long ago, and borne with her his heart 
into the deep forest. It too had mouldered like the bones before him ; 
though it had a living tomb, his own breast. The apparition had 
guided him kindly to this spot to fulfil a sweet and sacred duty : 
the burial of these fair, white relics. How she had perished there, 
in that strange, Lne place, he could not guess; whether by swift 
stroke of lightning, by serpent's poison tooth, by the sharp pointed 
pain of sudden malady, or by a deadly hand. The last seemed 
probable, and he thought at once that she had been murthered by 
the ruffian counterfeiters, upon whose guilty labour she may have 
come in some one of her girlish rambles through the gloomy Hol- 
low. They had slain her lest she should disclose their hiding-place, 
and had fled. The disordered condition in which he had observed 
Gaby's Hole, as he passed rapidly through it, strengthened and 
justified this dim conjecture. But though she had lain long in 
the chill air, while the green trees were looking down upon her and 
shaking their green glories in vain as a shroud over her, the hour 
of her sepulture had come. Kneeling at the foot of the relics, 
and breathing forth a brief prayer, Whortle stepped back a littlci 



172 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

and returned with the rusty spade in his hand. Selecting a spot 
on which the sunhght fell in the pleasant hours of the day, and 
where no gloomy nor ill-boding tree cast its shadow, he struck his 
spade into the mould. As he delved the earth, many thoughts 
swelled into his heart and moistened his eyes. 

Here have you lain and crumbled, thought he, while I have lived 
framing idle fables, dreaming over the vainly past, and question- 
ing the future. The soft spring-shower descends, and the wild-rose 
takes off its infant mask in the meadow, and discloses its blushing 
face to the sun and air, but in vain have those gentle drops fallen 
on you, pale, passionless relics. The Winds and the Elements 
have swept the earth and the air and the waters quickening 
all things into life ; but you, even the loud thunder has passed 
by, and left dull, slumbrous and motionless as ever. Here the 
fresh dawn has poured its ray, and kindled voices and harmonies 
without number in the breast of this wild wood ; silent, mournful 
and dismantled it has found and left you, once the glorious 
residence of speech and music. Shrunken from a fair and 
fruit-like beauty, where all eyes once dwelt, you have rested here 
revisited by all things in nature — the wind, the sunbeam, the 
shower and the evening glory, unknown, honourless and una- 
dored. With emotions and fancies like these he shaped the grave. 

Simple as was the whole scene, it was a subject for the painter*s 
finest pencil-^for it was tinged with many colours of the true 
sublime, A spade, a youth and a few crumbling bones. What 
is there in these to awaken deep feeling or reverential thought ? It 
is a spiritual picture in the midst of busy life. On the high ridge 
they are gathered with the setting sun streaming full upon them, 
while on one side husbandmen, joyous with the spirit of plenty, are 
turning their winrows ; on another, nearer by, on the margin of the 
pond, a boisterous group are dragging their well-laden fish-net 
ashore, blessing Fortune and the favouring tide. Beyond the 
Hollow, up on the by-road that passes through the woods, a 
country school is just let loose, and Childhood tumbles with its 
satchel and sportive face into the open air, and looks up laughingly 
to the clear sky. And there into that neat farm-house, with its 
newly-painted front, a troop of weddeners is hastening. 

On Whortle delves, and the grave is finished. Gently he lays 
the relics in its bosom, and ere he casts back the damp earth on 



THE LABtlRIED BO ES. 



its kindred earth, he stands, leaning on his simple companion in the 
labour, and gazes long and earnestly down into the hollow mould. 
He has buried the Hallowed Bones, and planted an evergreen 
at their head, and as the mellow light of the dying day streams 
through the trees, borrowing a new hue, to add to its thousand 
colours, from them, he turns his steps mournfully away, as if he 
had laid his own heart there with his mistress's dust. 



J74 THE MOTLEY OO 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 

At the close of a day in the early part of autumn, a snoall-built 
gentleman in a black suit and snowy neckerchief was sitting in 
the desk of Chatham Chapel, with his head resting upon his folded 
hands. From the tall side windows, the purple shadows of even- 
ing fell upon his person, and thronged about his elevated place of 
repose, as if they would bury him entirely from the gaze. The 
whole vast body of the building began to be filled with darkness 
and gloom, and the different objects — the pews — the galleries and 
aisles, were blended together, and assumed whatever shapes the 
fancy chose to give them. The black-clad gentleman, the sole 
tenant of this realm of shadows and confusion, was the Rev. John 
Huckins, a righteous man of God, who was born with the happiest 
possession that one who intends to make piety the business of his 
life can fall heir to, and that was an indescribably meek and evan- 
gelical length of feature. He was, at the present time, the cler- 
gyman of a Christian congregation that worshipped in the Chapel* 
and at the particular moment when he is introduced to the reader, 
was reposing after the fatigues of the afternoon Wednesday service, 
and at the same time awaiting the attendance of a few professors 
on a prayer meeting, which was to be held there preparatory to an 
evening discourse. In the slumber which he was enjoying, ima- 
ges of past scenes — of times long by-gone — vanished away, far 
away in the dim regions of youth, mingled with the events and 
things and creatures of yesterday, and at length he dreamed that 
the very Chapel in which he was seated was touched by the strange 
magic of sleep, and was passing through one of those wild and 
wizard changes which occur only in dreams. He beheld before him 
two beings, with something mortal in their garments and bearing, 
mixed with more that was unearthly and spectral in their look and 
the tones of their voice. 



PARSON HUCKINS S FIRST APPEARANCE. 175 

One was short and round-shouldered, with a long-waisted round- 
about on, and the other a pale, meagre figure, with sweat upon his 
brow, which seenned as if it might be the death-damp, which he 
had neglected to wipe away in his hurried emergence into light 
They both busied themselves in unhinging the pew-doors, and. 
with huge piles of them upon their shoulders — far greater it seemed 
than mere mortals could stagger under — they tottered down the 
aisles, and disappearing at the preacher's feet, returned in a few 
minutes empty-handed, and bore away a second load. While they 
were engaged in this singular task, they now and then interchanged 
a word with each other. 

"What do we have to-night?" asked the round-shouldered man. 

"The 'Devil's Due Bill,' " answered his companion. 

"What! 'The Devil's Due Bill Honoured'— in which Old 
Roberts is so capital in Wiggle V 

" The same, the very same !" returned the meagre figure, " and 
I thank Heaven we've got possession again. It was a shame to 
let these canting dogs bark so long in Old Chatham ; and I could 
not lay easy in my grave till I helped get up another good old piece 
in her walls !" 

" You're right. Bill — prompter snufF me out, if you ain't !" as- 
sented the round-shouldered personage. " I wonder if they'll all 
be here to-night ?" 

" The whole company, in full force, you may depend upon it, 
and we'll go through in less time than we ever did before — music 
and all, take my word for it." 

When they had completely disposed of the doors, they com- 
menced sacking the pews themselves, and carried off the red and 
brown cushions, muttering, " Bare benches is good enough for the 
half-price bottoms of the pit!" After this they swept the hymn 
books, testaments, &c., which they found on the pew shelves, 
into a green baize, and hurried them away with the same eagerness, 
grumbling forth something or other about the "saints in the play- 
house !" 

While these two personages were engaged in this way, as many 
as half-a-dozen sallow-looking men were perched about the floor 
of the building, on ladders, with painters' jackets on, and employed 
in swiftly executing miniature scenes from Shakspeare and other 
dramatists, on the naked panel-work of the galleries. In the 
meanwhile, hammers were plying in every quarter of the house ; 



176 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

nails were drawn and driven, parts of the building taken down and 
parts renewed, with all the dexterity and despatch of jugglery. Pre- 
sently, all the artisans disappeared, whither, no one could guess ; 
and Huckins, astonished at what he saw, and every moment ex- 
pecting some greater wonder, now discovered men and women in 
gay dresses, laughing and full of frolic, entering the first gallery, 
while instead of the humble believers and penitents whom he had 
expected to detect creeping up the aisle to prayer meeting, whole 
hosts of robust sinners, and boisterous boys and 'prentices poured in 
upon the floor of the house, and took possession of the seats di- 
rectly before his face. In a moment more he heard the faint tink- 
ling of a bell, and turning round, discovered an immense curtain, 
with the picture of a huge woman, with flowing robes and a yel- 
low crown on her head, rolling gradually towards the ceiling ; and 
now for the first time, as he took a seat among the spectators, the 
conviction entered his mind that he was in Chatham Theatre, a 
wild, wicked boy, yet with some germs of childish innocence and 
purity blossoming about his heart, and not the hard, hypocritical 
man, seemingly holy and pure in outward act, while all within was 
barrenness, guile and a dull, gloomy heathendom. The first scene 
that opened upon the audience, exhibited what seemed to be the 
committee-room of a church, in which were assembled some seven 
or eight men, transacting business connected with their office of 
Trustees or Deacons. In dress and demeanour, they resembled 
men with whom Huckins was familiar, although their size and 
lineaments in some respects were diff'erent. The prominent person- 
age of the group was a turtle-shaped middle-sized man, with a 
brown wig and wrinkled countenance, expressive of a dog- 
matical temper and sturdy self-will. 

" It shall be so !" cried this magnate, striding up and down the 
stage, and flourishing a heavy walking stick. " I have made up 
my mind to that point, gentlemen. He has the genuine evangehcal 
spirit, I am confident, and that's enough for me." 

" And for me !" added a second committee man. " He's not a 
bad speaker too, for I sat beneath the back gallery, and heard dis- 
tinctly every word that he uttered." 

" I stationed myself behind a post," said a third, " and took the 
exact guage of his voice. It is a high tenor, and suits an oblong, 
low-roofed building like ours exactly. He has my vote." 

" The spirit is all that is needed," joined a fourth, " the pious, 
Bible spirit. This is arms, legs and voice to a godly preacher.'* 



17? 

" You are right, my friends," resumed the first speaker, smiling 
complacently upon his supporters, " very right, and if he had a 
a voice as rough as the Rocky Mountains — " 

" But consider, Mr. Huff," interposed a tall, lantern-faced man, 
" we have learned from his confidential servant. Wiggle, that he v^^rites 
his sermons in an overcoat, with his hat on, and a small bundle al- 
ways packed up and lying on his table. He isn't in the missionary 
service and liable to be summoned away to Burampooter or Burmah 
at a moment's notice, and what do all these travelling preparations 
mean ? Eh ?" 

" Genius !" answered Mr. Huff, peremptorily. " Genius and 
the Holy Ghost ! Look what a face he has, too. Why the exhi- 
bition of that face alone at the gate of Heaven would obtain his 
instant admission. It's the face of a cherub, Higgs !" 

" As Higgs, my senior partner, says," began a timid little man^ 
who was rather short of wind, and, consequently, always cut short 
in his attempted observation, as in the present case. " Wiggle, his 
confidential — " 

" Vexation take Wiggle !" cried Mr. Huff. " Gentlemen, shall we 
put it to vote ? Are you ready ?" In a few minutes, after the cir- 
culation of a respectable black beaver hat amongst the members of 
the Committee, the Rev. John Huckins was announced as duly 
elected pastor of the Church. 

The previous astonishment and wonder of the parson was not a 
little increased at beholding his own election thus passing before 
his eyes, very much in the same manner as it must have passed in 
private, when he was a candidate before these self-same gentle- 
men, who were thus mysteriously presented to him in the full 
possession of their official functions. 

The scene novy^ shifted, and in the place of the deacons in their 
committee-room, Huckins beheld the parlour of a respectable pri- 
vate dwelling in which were assembled about twenty females, of 
all ages, old, young, and many in the middle period of life. 

" What a powerful discourse !" exclaimed one of them, a large 
woman, with an ugly expression of countenance. 

" So earnest, too !" said a young lady. "Brother George counted 
the strokes of his arm upon the cushion, and thinks he rose a hun- 
dred in the course of his sermon : besides the two prayers. He is 
a divine preacher !" 

No. VII.— 23. 



(78 THE MOTLEY BOOlC. 

" This fiery zeal of his will keep us busy furnishing pulpit covers 
it is true," said an aged female, " but the Lord be blessed ! my 
eyesight continues good, and my right hand hath not yet forgot its 
cunning : I can be serviceable to the Church even in my old 
age in this matter. Smite the sinner like a strong man, and we'll 
supply the red damask, or plush of good quality, as long as the 
Lord continues our brother in the ministry." 

" I propose," said the large lady, " that we make the Reverend 
John Huckins a life member of the * Poltawoltomy Society,' and 
that a committee be named to wait upon the distinguished gentle- 
man to notify him of his election, and request him to deliver a se- 
ries of discourses, on the importance of clothing juvenile Indians in 
slops and dickies, in aid of the funds of the Pottawatomy Associa- 
tion !" This motion was unanimously carried, and the large lady 
was named as said committee. Much further general conversation 
occurred, followed by a scriptural banquet of hot rolls and preserves, 
and the " Society" dispersed to their respective residences. 

To his utter astonishment, the next scene represented a room, in 
every respect corresponding with his own study ; and to his great 
horror, he felt himself suddenly lifted from his seat in the pit, and 
by some unseen agency placed by the side of a small table upon 
the stage and fronting the gaze of an immense audience. Li a 
moment after his abrupt metempsychosis from the pit, a little man 
in a buff complexion and buff-coloured pantaloons to match, a bob- 
tailed coat and skull-cap, with a brown loaf under one arm and a 
bowl in his hand, entered, with a comic salutation to the audience 
and an irresistible grin on his visnomy, and was greeted on his 
appearance, as if he were a favourite performer. It was Roberts, 
Old Roberts, the droll and comedian of Old Chatham Theatre, 
and Huckins at once recognized in him one of the actors whom he 
had seen on that same stage many long years ago when a boy. 
The character which this quaint performer at present personated, 
was that of the confidential servant of the Rev. John Huckins, 
over whom he seems to have possessed a singular mastery, which 
he had an equally singular mode of exhibiting. 

" Well, Wiggle," said Huckins, constrained by some mysterious 
influence to take part in the play that was, or seemed to be, perform- 
mg : " Salary, three thousand — house-rent free, besides an open 
account with every member of the congregation. That's a hand- 
some business !" 



179 

" Rather handsome, I should say !" replied Wiggle. " Summ'at 
better than looking through a noose, like a starved steer through 
an ox-yoke : in this fashion." And running a rapid noose in his 
pocket-handkerchief, he threw it over the head of the Reverend 
gentleman, and drew it up till his face reddened like an autumnal 
sunset, while the audience encouraged the manoeuvre by the most 
clamorous applause. " There," continued Wiggle, loosening his 
halter, " I'll let you off this time, but mind, I'm to have twenty 
per cent and marriage fees !" 

" 1 thought," returned Huckins, " it was to be the naked twenty 
per cent. Nothing was said about the fees before." 

" Oh, the fees — I must have the fees, or do you see," said Wig- 
gle, knocking the parson's broad-brimmed hat over his eyes, " you'll 
be furnislied with a night-cap that admits no waking, and when 
its drawn on you go to sleep for good and all." 

" Well, well," said the parson, " take your own way, but be 
careful and not a word about the — " 

" A— r— " 

" Hush," said Huckins, " don't breathe the word in this hemis- 
phere, or we're done for !" 

" You must pay me the fees too," continued the remorseless 
Wiggle, " as you receive them. They're generally paid in gold^ 
and there's a premium you know. D'ye understand ?" 

And to awaken Mr. Huckins to a lively perception of what he 
meant, he punched him playfully in different parts of the person^ 
and concluded by placing his hand gathered like a trumpet at his 
ear, and uttering, in a portentous whisper, the word " Arson !" 

Now whether the terror and paleness which invariably afflicted 
Huckins at the mention of this dissyllable arose from the retro- 
spect and reminiscence of some past conflagration in which he 
had participated, or from his looking forward, with prophetic eye, 
to the "great burning," m which he might, perhaps, reasonably 
expect to participate more deeply, it would not be wise, to con- 
jecture at this early stage in the story. 

" Do you think there's the slightest—the faintest chance of detec- 
tion ?" gasped Huckins. 

" None at all, not as much as would convict a grasshopper of 
wearing pumps, I warrant you, if you'll only keep your face 
stretched out to the right length. Do you practice as 1 told you V^ 

" Yes — twice a day/' 



180 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" Mornm' and evenin' I suppose, before a glass. You'd better 
stretch it in a boot-jack than letit dry and shrink up — for you'd look 
like the very devil if it wsLsn\ for that smooth face of yours, Jack.'" 

" You haven't said anything of the overcoat and so forth — have 
you ?" asked Huckins. 

" Only hinted a httle of it to Higgs, one of the committee — wha 
was rather unfavourable to your election — thinking it might give 
him an idea of what a great preacher you was, and what wonder- 
ful talent you had to write your sermons in a box-coat !" 

"Be careful, Wiggle — ^^for Higgs is a sharp, keen man, and al- 
ready suspects something : and it's safest to be ready for travel at 
short notice, isn't it ?" 

" By all means. Be prudent, and we'll feather our nests and 
fill our pockets out of these innocents yet. Preach staunch ser- 
mons — strong flavour of brimstone — make long prayers and loud 
ones, and live on vegetables in public — and our fortunes are made f* 

" Ay, ay," said the parson, " don't fear me ; and hark. Wiggle^ 
be particularly careful not to have anything to say to that fellow 
Morfit. I believe he knew me when I was here before." 

" What, the lean affidavit-maker ? — I wouldn't speak to the 
starveling, if we two were on a desert island famishing — if he had 
a broiled woodcock in his hand, basted in its ow^n drippings, and 
would divide it for the asking." 

Here the facetious Wiggle slipped his scull-cap into his coat 
pocket, perched the bowl upon the crown of his head, took a huge 
mouthful from the brown loaf under his right arm, lifted his coat- 
tails in a playful manner towards the audience with his left, and 
amid a tempest of huzzas and shouts of " Old Roberts forever !" 
made his exit. The tall woman with her flowing robes and yel- 
low crown, gradually emerged from the canvass as the curtain fell, 
and parson Huckins seated, he could not tell where, in the confu- 
sion of his dream, heard the free comments of the audience on what 
had passed. 

" He's a desperate villain," said a young man in a pea-jacket, 
crushing a play-bill in his hand as he spoke. " But Wiggle's too 
much for him !" 

" I've seen many just such weasel-faced fellows as this parson I" 
said a dry, little old man, " and I wouldn't trust one of 'em with my 
finger parings." 

" What do you think will become of Huckins ?" asked a sharp- 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 181 

nosed man, with eyes that projected Hke a lobster's ; leaning for- 
ward into the face of the dry old man. 

" Why, he'll be hung," answered the little old man, emphatically, 
"or turn politician, which will amount to the same thing in the end !" 

" I think he'll marry the old lady of the Pottawotoray Associ- 
ation," suggested the young gentleman in the pea-jacket. 

" We shall see !" said the old man : — the bell tinkled— the cur- 
tain rose, and exhibited the same scene as the last, with Huckins 
at the small table, and Mr. Huff seated opposite. 

" If it could be made out scripturally, it would afford me great 
satisfaction," said Mr. Huff. 

*' It can be, sir, I assure you ; I shall be able to show beyond 
doubt or controversy, that every human being now on the face of 
the earth must suffer the flames except my humble self, and the 

majority of the Deacons of Church ; in which number, Mr. 

Thomas Huff, I am happy to say, holds no mean position," 

" Thank you, sir, thank you ; but have you sufficient texts and 
apposite passages ?" 

" Ample, my good sir, ample," answered parson Huckins. "Ex- 
cerpts and quotations from Isaiah and the Revelations, as long and 
heavy as the weaver's beam, wherewith Golias went forth against 
the children of Israel." 

" Really," continued the pharasaical little Mr. Huff, rubbing 
his hands and clucking quietly like a hen. "Really, this will be 
the happiest event of my life since my election as deacon. What 
a pleasant time we will have in Heaven, brother Huckins ! a little 
select company of saints, feeding on the pleasant pastures of the 
skies like the remnant of a countless flock of ewes and sheep, 
scattered hither and thither by a storm ; while hundreds of thou- 
sands of poor wretches will be groaning and burning and crying 
out in Tophet : provided you get them there scripturally." 
" It shall be done, sir!" said Huckins, confidently. 
" Mark me, I deny the doctrine— though I must confess it looks 
reasonable — unless you support it stoutly by texts and bandages of 
Holy Writ !" 

" Fear not," again answered the parson, " I will bring the Bible 
to bear directly upon the point, as if it had been shot from the 
mouth of a cannon : and many will be the poor sinner that would 
like to come under our blanket, when the tempest and lightning 



182 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

and bombs and hand-grenades of Almighty wrath are falling about 
his ears !" 

" We are safe ?" asked Mr. Huff, with an anxious wrinkle on 
his brow. " You are sure of that T 

" Beyond peradventure — as secure from hell as if we were in- 
sured in a Fire Company," answered parson Huckins, somewhat 
profanely, but it was in a dream, and perhaps the poor man knew 
not what he spake. Anyhow the two grave and pious gentlemen 
here sate quiet about the space of a minute, casting their eyes to- 
ward the roof, and indulging in inward laughter, which at length 
overflowed and ran out at their eyes and over their faces like tears. 

After this the parson produced a Bible and a map of the world : 
and proceeded to illustrate his views. 

" This," said he, pointing out one text, " this carries off all the 
Heathen — all these lands around which I have drawn a black line : 
African, Patagonian, Indian, Bedouin Arab, dwarf Laplander — and 
the whole brood. This," selecting a second, "despatches the Ca- 
tholic countries — marked red in the map — and this undoubted pas- 
sage," taking a third, " deals the fire upon Protestant Europe and 
Botany Bay." 

" Botany Bay !" exclaimed Huff in astonishment. 

" Yes — there's a special clause for New South Wales in this text, 
JNTothing else could be intended. As for America, there's no need 
of scriptural denunciation, for we know from our ow^n eyes' testi- 
mony that it deserves no less. The state of moral destitution in 
this country, Mr. Huff, is absolutely awful ! Sodom and Gomor- 
rah ! — Sodom and Gomorrah !" 

" Will the town of Greenwich, Connecticut, be saved, think 
you ?" asked Huff. 

" Not a soul, from the town clerk to the county judge !" answered 
the parson, who knew that said town of Greenwich was Huff's 
birlh-place, and that he had been handled rather severely there by 
the County Court, in a little affair of apportioning money from his 
pocket for the support of a hedge-born child." 

" Thank God !" thereupon cried the deacon, when Huckins had 
uttered this verdict, and showed him where he had entirely blotted 
out the irreligious borough with a huge ink spot. 

" I feel grateful to you, parson Huckins, for these comforting 
doctrines," said Huff, taking the parson warmly by the hand. 
" Continue steadfast in preaching and upholding them — and that 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 183 

matter of the increase of salary ? — you understand." And with this 
broken suggestion he departed. 

The curtain dropped, and the next scene discovered Mr. Higgs» 
solus, striding up and down the stage, apparently labouring under 
high excitement. 

" This is not to be borne,'^ said he. " Here comes a fellow the 
Lord knows whence, and exhibits a furlong of feature one day 
over the pulpit top, and consigns the whole audience peremptorily 
to the pit as if they were a basket of spoiled salmon, and the next 
day, as the Lord liveth, he is chosen pastor of the congregation. 
Why I would rather hear a fire-bell ring in midsummer than his 
voice : his tones are those of a radish-girl, and his gestures the 
contortions of a rheumatic sailor undergoing the bastinado. I hate 
such fellows worse than a stone mason hates a rat about his foun- 
dations. He deals his brimstone about as freely as if the whole 
audience were infected with the bilious fever, or were a parcel of 
scoundrel dogs with the distemper. He seems to have constituted 
himself a sort of eternal watchman to cry in the great burning. 
His discourse is stuck full of pitch and cinders, and one could not 
be reasonably surprised to see him spit flame. But somehow he 
hath obtained strange mastery over Huff (a credulous, ignorant old 
man, who believes everything he hears, and a self-willed one who 
strives to impose his novel discoveries on every one he meets) and 
other of our people. The Pottawotomy Association is again in 
motion — and Heaven knows what absurdity these cackling old 
Women will give birth to !" 

Mr. Higgs now made his exit, and the next scene displayed a 
cobbler's stall, in which a long, lean man was seated on a bench at 
work, and standing by his side our old friend. Wiggle. 

" So you find this a profitable business," said Wiggle, " this affi- 
davit making ?" 

" It helps a little in hard times," answered the cobbler. " I can 
turn off at the rate of three affidavits and two pair of boots a week, 
and that pays pretty well." 

" But, Mr. Morfit, I should think there would be no limit to the 
amount of business you might drive in the former line. If I un- 
derstand it, all you have to do is to sign your name and kiss the 
book." 

" Ah ! you know very little of the profession," said Morfit, with 
a sigh; "I have found, from considerable experience, that I can't 



184 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

Stand more than one affidavit a day. I tried for a little while after 
I commenced, but I found the oaths lay heavy on my conscience 
at night, and I put it on regimen, one a day." 

" Who are your chief employers, Mr. Morfit ?" 

" The quack doctors : I supply them with sworn certificates. 
A politician now and then engages me just before an election ; and 
I occasionally go into court, in important cases, to help out the 
evidence." 

" What are your terms ? So much a folio, or such a per cent- 
age on the profits ?" 

" I see, Mr. Wiggle, you are entirely ignorant of this branch of 
business," said Morfit, with a ghastly grin. " A gentleman wants 
something in my line, he comes in, ' Morfit,' says he, ' an affida- 
vit on the virtues of the ' Buffalo Embrocation,' and a pair of light 
boots, both ready by Saturday.' Very well, say I. ' In Court, 
says an attorney — I have an extensive acquaintance among attor- 
neys — ' In court, Morfit, Saturday morning, case of Borrowe vs. 
Bustard, action of libel, swear bad character for Bustard — and 
two pair of best made French slippers for plaintiff.' " 

'' Well," said Wiggle, " when will you have this affidavit of 
niine done, about Huckins?" 

" Let me see, this is Wednesday ; two certificates for Dr. Spike, 
that his pills are valuable in clarifying cider — swear to two barrels 
cleared of sediment by a single box ; affidavit for the politician 
that Quirks, opposition candidate, knocked his cartman in the head 
with cart-rung, and destroyed four square inches of skull, because 
said cartman refused to vote his employer's ticket ! — This is a busy 
week. Wiggle, just before the fall election, but as you're an old 
friend, I'll have this of yours for you to-morrow noon." 

" Do you understand what its contents are to be ?" 

" That deponent was acquainted with said Huckins in Massa- 
chusetts, while he was studying theology ; knew him to be pious, 
correct in deportment, highly esteemed, &c." 

" That's it, Morfit," said Wiggle ; " it's only to satisfy the pri- 
vate scruples of one of the deacons, who says he never heard of 
Huckins before. To-morrow noon." 

" True as a heel-tap !" answered the cobbler. " What's the 
number of the parson's dwelling." 

" Oh, I'll call for it," said Wiggle ; " but our number's • 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 185 

" Very Good. Good day, Wiggle." 

" Good day — to your honour !" and Wiggle departed, with an en- 
tirely original grin, which drew his whole countenance into a single 
wrinkle, by some mysterious motion of the muscles, in the same 
manner as an old lady's work bag is drawn into a snug ball of black 
silk, by aid of the string. 

The audience encored ; he returned and renewed the wonderful 
face, again departed — the scene shifts — and enter the ugly old 
lady of the " Pottawotomy Association," and Mr. Higgins. 

" As I was saying, Mr. Higgins," said the old lady, " I am to 
wait upon parson Huckins to-morrow, and notify him of his life^ 
membership in the Pottawotomy ; and solicit him to deliver a course 
of lectures, or a single lecture, on the present indelicate style of 
Indian dress, and the propriety of substituting trowsers and body- 
coats in its stead. You will accompany me, will you, Mr. Hig- 
gins ?" 

" Higgs, my senior partner says — " proceeded Mr. Higgins. 

" Oh, yes, I understand," interposed the old lady. " If the 
medal was ready, we might call upon him to-day. Whether to 
present it to him standing or kneeling — " 

" I should think," again said the unfortunate Higgins, who 
seemed destined to never finish a sentence, " As Higgs — " 

" Or with my hat on or off," continued the old lady, not heeding 
her companion ; " in my new calico or my cloth habit ? I must 
consult the Society : I never would have undertaken this task if I 
had known how many difficulties and perplexities would attend it. 
Anyhow we must elect parson Huckins a member of our * Short- 
stitch and Long-stitch Benevolent Union :' and then I shall re- 
sign !" 

" Mrs. Furbelowe !" exclaimed Higgins. 

" He's a sweet man — a pious sweet man. I could almost wor- 
ship him — Oh, Huckins, it's too good for my soul !" 

" Mrs. Furbelowe !" again cried Higgins, " at what hour — " 

*' To-morrow noon — to-morrow noon !" exclaimed Mrs. Furbe- 
lowe, waving him away ; " meet me at the parson's — sweet par- 
son Huckins !" 

The act curtain fell, and as the music (which had a wild, un- 
earthly tone in that building, where it had been so long silent) 
played it's full tide of melody upon the audience from its airy tubes* 
^0. VII— 24 



186 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

the groundling critics again indulged in strictures on the perform- 
ance. 

" The marriage will surely come on in the last act !" said the 
young man in ihe pea-jacket. " Mrs. Furbelowe sighs like a bro- 
ken-winded bellows, and means to trap the parson." 

" There'll be a riot yet," said the sharp-nosed man with the 
lobster eyes, " don't you think there will ?'' 

'' No such thing !" answered the dry, little old man. " Huckins 
will be made a bishop or secretary of state before the play's done. 
Wiggle wasn't as good in this act." 

" He'll brighten up in the next ?" timidly suggested the young 
man in the pea-jacket. 

" He will !" answered the dry, little old man sententiously. 

A shrill whistle was heard, the bell tinkled, the curtain rose and 
disclosed the worthy Mr. Morfit in an open street, eagerly eyeing 
a respectable two-story house, with the name of " John Huckins" 
on a broad silver door-plate. 

" This is the house," said the affidavit maker, " and T must get 
a sight of the Reverend gentleman — so as to know his person if I 
should be confronted with him. That must be him," casting his 
eye down the street, towards a person approaching in that direc- 
tion — " black suit of broadcloth : auburn hair (making entries in a 
note-book) ; a slow, cautious gait ; limps a little ; about the middle 
height — now for his face — long-fcfitured, pious — Good Heavens ! 
it's my old friend — hush ! I won't mention it in the street, or we'll 
have a hanging on the nearest lamp-post — Ho ! here comes 
Wiggle, too — I must tell him some lie about my being here, though 
I needn't swear to it. How are you, Wiggle ?" 

" Ah, my man of oaths and French slippers, my pink of swear- 
ing and sole leather — how are you — and v.'hat are you doing in 
this quarter of the town ?" said Wiggle, striking the open palm of 
his broad hand upon his back like the fluke of a Norwegian sperm 
whale of the largest class. 

" Merely looking out for a few subjects for affidavits," answered 
Morfit. *' Two of the aldermen opposed to our party live in those 
two double houses." 

" Well, what can you swear of them ?" asked Wiggle ; " that 
they are four feet about the girth, and split the seams of their coats 
open with fat, like a full peas-cod in the month of August ?" 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 18? 

" No — ^but one of them has purple embossed paper m his fan 
lights — and the other a span of high-headed light bay horses." 

" Suppose you could swear one of them kept a stud of wild ti^ 
gers, and had a polar bear for a coachman— would it help you 
any ?" 

" To be sure. I'd give any amount of money if I could swear 
to that effect — without being set down by the whole city for as 
great a liar as the town clock!" 

" How SO' — my worthy fellow ?" 

" Why, you see," responded Morfit, with a sly leer, " Quadru- 
peds and villains is intimately connected : if a man rides on horse- 
back he's a rogue — in a one^horsed vehicle he's a scamp, and if he 
ventures in a coach or barouche of his own — God save us-^he*s a 
desperate rascal. Let him trudge on foot and wear out sole-leather 
— and — Heaven bless him ! he's an honest man — that's our creed !'* 

*' Well, I must in, in spite of your wonderful new discovery in 
ethics," said Wiggle, working his eyeballs with his thumbs so as to 
impress Morfit with the conviction that it was all true — namely, in 
his eye. " We're to have grand times at our house this morning. 
Two of the Trustees is to call — the Botherwhatamy Society pre- 
sents a pewter dining set to the parson — and I'm to serve up a bas- 
ket of the ^pure juice of the grape !' — Good day, Morfit—another 
time — happy to see you — good day— good day !" 

And he glided in at the hall door, with both hands extended, as 
if in the act of swimming out of reach of further dialogue with the 
affidavit maker. 

" Well," said Morfit, when left alone, " I may as well disappear 
too — and I'm afraid I shall be obliged to adulterate your ' pure juice' 
with a few drops of that unpleasant elixir called — justice. Here's 
for the police." Stretching his neck like some meagre bird of 
prey, bringing his coat close together and knocking his hat over his 
brows, he put off at full speed down the street. 

In a few minutes the stage was occupied by the usjly old lady of 
the Pottawotomy Association, who came in puffing and blowing, 
and looking like Vesuvius on the eve of an eruption, with Higgins 
running at her side. 

"A sultry day, Mr. Higgins," said she, pausing and unfurling a 
white pocket handkerchief, wherewith she wiped her picturesque 
face. " A very sultry day — be careful, or that medal will melt-^ 
see that it's snug in the basket if you please, Mr. Higgins." 



188 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

" Yes, Ma'am," answered the little gentleman, uttering the first 
sentence that he had been allowed to finish since his appearance in 
the performance. 

" I wish I had thought to pack it in ice !" said Mrs. Furbelowe, 
looking wise, " it would be so cooling and grateful to John's 
bands." 

" What John ?" gasped Higgins in amazement. " What John 
are you speaking — " 

•' Oh, the parson — I meant the parson," answered the old lady- 
blushing slightly, " I was too scriptural that was all. In the New 
Testament the apostles and discip'les are so familiar — it's really a 
picture to the mind, Mr. Higgins. I wish Mr. Huckins would al- 
low me to call him John. It would be delightful, wouldn't it?" 

Before Higgins could furnish an answer, they were within parson 
Huckins's hall and the door had closed. 

In a moment or two more, the two deacons, Messrs. HufF and 
Higgs, were discovered passing through the street in the same di- 
rection. 

" What think you of our new parson, now ?" said HufF, with a 
jsmile on his wrinkled visage. 

*' Worse and worse," answered Higgs ; " I have not seen the 
certificates he promised yet, and from the violent language of con- 
demnation that he uses in the pulpit towards others, I doubt, more 
and more, his own Christian character. Anyhow, I should like to 
have some evidence of it," 

" You are on your road to it," said Huff. " If certain proofs 
that he is to lay before me are not sufficient, you must be in truth 
hard of belief. Strong, overwhelming gospel proofs !" 

" Some such I need," said Higgs, firmly, " and nothing less 
will serve my purpose. Christian churches, Mr. Huff, are getting 
too much in the habit of selecting their pastors as showmen choose 
their lions, for the loudness of their roar, or, like jugglers, for the 
quantity of false fire they can spit from their lips." 

"Ah!" interposed HufF. "There you are, brother Higgs, on 
your old heresy. You were always in favour of packing away 
Christians cooly and comfortably, and despatching them from this 
world as if the journey to Heaven were no more than a pleasant excur- 
sion by water to a country town in September. But nothing in my 
mind can supply the Lord's household with purified and holy occu- 



PARSON HUCKINS'S FIRST APPEARANCE. 189 

pants but fire — fire — fire : the beginning, the middle and the end of 
Scripture/' 

" Why men, Mr. Huff, are surely something more than mere 
vessels of potter's clay, whose bad qualities are to be burned out 
by the flame." 

" Never mind, come in, come in, and your scruples will melt 
the moment Parson Huckins opens his mouth," said Huff; and at 
that moment they were ushered into the same building that had 
received Mrs. Furbelowe and her companion. 

The next scene disclosed the parlour of parson Huckins's dwell- 
ing, with the parson, the two deacons, Mrs. Furbelowe, of thePot- 
tawotomy Association, and Mr. Higgins assembled therein. 
" Well, how stands our case ?" said Mr. Huff. 
" All as I told you," answered Huckins. 

*' Our brother Higgs's condition is desperate — is it ?" asked Huff, 
with a sweet sardonical smile. 

" What's that you say of me ?" roared Higgs. " Pray what is- 
it, Mr. Huckins ?" 

" Pd rather not,'* answered the parson, " I have too much re- 
gard for your feelings." 

" Out with it, sir, if you please," again cried Higgs ; " I must 
know what matter concerns me that you and Mr. Huff are so se-* 
cret with. Will you be so good as to inform me ?" 

" If you will know, then," answered Huckins, prefacing his re" 
marks with along-drawn and meek expression of countenance, "it 
is my unpleasant duty to inform you that it is your inevitable des- 
tiny to go to hell !" 

" To go wdiere ?" exclaimed Higgs, in an incipient rage. 
"Be not agitated, my good sir!" said the parson soothingly, "I 
merely said to hell. Be calm — for my sake — be calm. I regret it 
— I sincerely regret it, and wish to alleviate your misfortune as 
much as possible. Is there anything I can do for you in a secular 
sense: are you in want of meat? clothing? coal? I truly com- 
miserate with you, my fellow-mortal !" 

" No more of this, if you please," cried Higgs ; " I will look 
at your certificates." 

"Here, sir, is one — which must satisfy you fully," said the par- 
son, and he handed him Morfit's document, with which Higgs im- 
mediately busied himself. 

Mrs. Furbelowe took advantage of the pause to gain her feet^ 



190 THE MOTLEY BOOK. 

and advanced within a yard of the parson, with a very solemn 
smile on her countenance, and the basket on her left arm ; she 
there stopped short and began to hold forth. " Sir," said she^ 
"the * Pottawotomy Association' highly appreciating your numerous 
Christian virtues — " 

" How is this," broke out Higgs, remorselessly cutting short the 
proffered harangue. " This affidavit is sworn to by my own shoe- 
maker I" 

At that moment and before the parson could reply to this perti- 
nent query, Morfit himself entered with a little, grim man with a 
staff. 

" Ah !" cried the little, grim man, the instant his eye fell upon 
the reverend gentleman, " Ah, my good old friend ! — how are you, 
Peter — how are you ?" he continued, grasping the parson's reluct 
ant hand, and wringing it with a hard gripe. 

"Gentlemen," he added, seizing Huckins by the collar and turn- 
ing to the company, " allow me to introduce you to my worthy 
friend — Peter Williams — the notorious incendiary !" 

" Peter Williams !" gasped Huff. " Fire and flames !" 

" A house burner !" said Higgs. " I thought as much from the 
combustible character of his sermons !" 

" Take me home !" shouted Mrs. Furbelowe, " I'm fainting. I 
shan't survive this long! it's too much for my constitution !" And 
she let fall the basket from which the Pottawotomy medal rolled 
upon the floor. Wiggle availed himself of the confusion to slip 
from the room, with a most voluminous and expressive grin on his 
queer features. 

" As Higgs, my senior partner, says — " proceeded Higging. 

" Come," said the officer, interrupting him, " come, Peter, you 
must go to prison. You'll die yet like an old horse at the rack, 
with your head through a halter." 

" If I do," cried the parson, " I'll be — " He struck his hand 
forcibly upon the desk frame, to give emphasis to his asseve- 
ration : the shock awakened him. The whole scene had vanished, 
and instead of the pit audience, his eyes rested upon the up-turned 
faces of two or three humble Christians on the front benches of 
the Chapel, gazing upon him with dilating eyes. He convulsively 
grasped his hat, rushed madly up the middle aisle, out of the build- 
ing — and, like all heroes of this humbler kind of romance, has never 
been seen or heard of since. 



THE END* 



311-77-9 



I 



